Riding on My Carousel

Currently Listening To:Finger Eleven- Sad Exchange


Do I blame it all on hormones, or do I accept that my emotions are going to be like this for the rest of my life because I am a woman? I'm telling you now, if this is going to be the way I am for the rest of my days, I'm going to be the one to invent a safe mood altering drug that you can take once and be fixed for life. None of this waking up feeling uneasy, and slowly throughout the day turning into a "burn-out" as Brandon put it this evening. Apparently I looked like a burnt out hippy. Go me? Oh boy.

Kelly and I worked out our quarrel. I'm so worn out emotionally from this past few weeks, that I'm showing it physically. I'm just luck I'm fairly able to keep up with school. I'm pushing myself harder this semester. A 76% grade average is not acceptable to me. I'm sorry, but that isn't going to get me into the top spot for University. Unacceptable I say.

I'm so tired, I feel like I could collapse where I am, but I know I still have to get some hours into my sketchbook for art class, on top of try reading some more of my book for English class. It's actually a pretty damn good book. It's called The Wars, by Timothy Findley. I have to recommend it to anyone who likes a good war story. Nothing bloody and gory, mostly just straight facts and a truth thats brutal for a piece of fiction. Not so sure this paragraph was supposed to turn into an add for my English book, but hey, why not right?

I swear I could sit and stare at this screen for hours. Not reading the words. Not even coherently taking in anything except maybe the music in the background as I zone out.

My face won't seem to relax. The muscles in my forehead seem to want to stay crinkled up in a frown, and my eyes are so tired they are drooping all over the place yet, still at the same time, tense. My mood ring says I am blue. I suppose that could either mean I'm feeling really hot, or my curculation is bad again. Likely the hot part, cause only my feet are cold right now (which isn't a rare occurance). I freeze so easily. I tell everyone I am allergic to the cold.

I think it's out of stress and just plain emotional drain, but I've been biting my nails a lot more lately. And it's not as if I didn't bite them a lot before either. It's gotten to the point where, I mentioned this this morning to Kelly when we woke up, I feel like I am preforming Chinese nail torture to myself, and shoving things underneath my nails. I don't even realize I bite them most of the time. It'll be when I'm watching a movie, or reading. The only times I totally catch myself, are when I am doing something productive with my hands, such as typing, or drawing, that way I have to stop what I am doing in order to bite. Then I can catch myself, and either give in, or stop. It all depends on my mood, which's been pretty shitty lately.

Anyways, my arms are fairly tired, so I'll give them a rest and lay down for a little while. Then get started on my art. Blessings and my love.