Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Currently Listening To:

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Remember the time we made love in the roses?

Currently Listening To: Bif Naked- Lucky


'Where can I run to, where can I hide, now that I'm in my virgin state of mind?'

Totally not fair to everyone including me. It's been forever since I've been able to update my blog, today is basically the first time I have had the urge to come on here and post. I know thats sad, but I guess with me there are just times when I don't feel up to doing anything. It's when my depression hits a nice low, and all I feel like doing is reading or sleeping. I haven't even really done that much homework. I think it kind of shows in my politics mark, at a 42% which is really sad, when the mid term mark is what the Universities will see on top of last semesters last mark. I really should take my pills more consistantly.

My memory has finally hit a brand new low. I've gotten to the point where I have to finish my promise sentences with "if I remember." It makes me so sad, angry and frustrated beyond belief. I don't think that memory loss is one of the side effects with my pills, so other than it being a symptom of depression, I've got nothing.

'Now there's a chair where my wonderful mouth used to be.'

On the bright side I'v just finished a denim bustier top I've been working on. I bought the fabric on wednesday night, started working on it last night around this time and then finished it tonight. I used red for the stitching and a criss cross setting, it's dark stretch denim, does up with a metal zipper at the back and fits like a glove. If only I could find my digi camera, that way I could get someone to take a picture of me in it and post it up here. But alas, the damn thing is lost still. (and I can say that it wasn't myself that lost it, I swear it was Mom! It was on her dresser afterall!)

Well turns out instead of going to TLB to get our tattoo's and piercings, Brandon and I are going to Odyssey in Ajax. Odyssey is a spiritual store that sells gem stones, jewelery, books, candles, tarot cards, incense, pendants, and little knick knack things. It's basically a store for Wiccans. Brandon has never been and I think he'll really like it. He used to read about Witchcraft a lot when he was in high school, so I think he'll enjoy himself for the most part. Maybe I'll get a tarot deck, if one calls to me, and learn to use it. Who knows?

Speaking of the Odyssey, next Friday coming is our monthly full moon meditation meeting. Kelly's going to come with Andy, Mom and I. It's a circle of all different ages of ladies, and as far as I know Andy, Mom, Kelly and I are the only ones not from Ajax or closer surrounding areas that goes. When we first went I felt a little off to the side, sort of not included, but when everyone began talking it made me feel more comfortable. I like how the leader of the group even lights the candles North, East, South, West and opens a circle, including all of us into it. It gives it more of a connection with myself and everyone else sitting in the room. I think its worth the few dollars that it costs to join.

I finished reading the seventh book in the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind and I'm just dying to read the eighth book! I know its probably sitting in the bookstore at the mall just waiting for me to pick it up and read it, but I haven't had the time to get there. I don't have my own car, nor a drivers license to drive myself there, so I have to rely on either of my parents, who are always either working, or not feeling like driving me everywhere. Hey, its not like I ask them to drive me somewhere all the damn time, right? Oh well, for now I'll just have to settle with whistfully thinking about it being there and calling to me. (Okay, so I'm really sad, but these books are so mesmerizing that I feel like I live inside the storyline and one of the characters!) I suggest reading them as soon as you can. Thank you so much Mike for introducing me to them. I know for awhile there they were a part of my life, but I've stopped the whole obsessing thing, and now I read when I can, rather than feeling as if I stop the world is going to come to an end.

Speaking of reading books, we're reading a whole shit load of books this year in all of my classes. Well all except politics. Currently the book we're begining to read in Religion is Tuesdays with Morrie. It is so goddamn sad and I'm only say twenty pages in. I won't give away the plot line, but it's about a sociology professor at University who finds out he has ALS. For example he introduces himself in front of his new semesters class and says that he has a terminal illness and he would like everyone to know that there might be a chance he won't get to finish teaching the course, where he then smiles and sits down. So full of powerful emotion. My kind of book (when I'm not reading fantasy that is).

I watched a french movie on Sunday night, I have no idea what it was called, because by the end I had such a bad migraine that after it finished I wasn't even thinking properly enough to check the guide before I went to bed with four acetamitophen with codine and an ice pack. (I don't think I'll be taking that one extra pill again for a long time, because for three hours after that my body couldn't stop convulsing and I was having hallucinations, and weird thoughts. Bad) Anyways back to the movie business. It was one of the best serial killers movies I've ever watched, it kept me guessing who the killer was for a longer length of time than most other movies do, the sub plot lines were just as good, and tied into the story line perfectly. I'd had to say that if the movie wasn't in french with sub-titles it would be my favourite movie of all time. Go see it now!

'The way you laugh, have you got a name for it, cause I don't understand, it. Language is an annoying necessity, and I depend on all the things. Got a list tattooed on my memory, of how all the tricks should unfold.'

Saturday, March 20, 2004

I spoke into his eyes

Currently Listening To:David Bowie- The Man Who Sold The World


I'm not sure whether or not I feel like March Break has gone by too fast or too slow, right now. I suppose I've just had my up and down days. I've spent a lot of it either sick or working.

Last night Nathan came and picked me up in his new car and we rented a few movies. Mona Lisa Smile, and Midnight Mass. Midnight Mass looked really good, even had a good plot line and front cover on the movie. So because Nathan had to go to work at 12 he wanted to watch that one first. Not even five minutes in everyone was groaning and grumping because it was a really bad B movie. ( mean hey, I'm Queen when it comes to renting B movies, but no one else will watch them with me. So I guess I'll be watching it by myself tonight. ) Anyways, we turned it off and put in Mona Lisa Smile. Which was a really good idea, because oh-my-god it was so well done! For one I like all of the actress's in it AND the plot line was really cool. *two thumbs up.*

And yes I know my blocs always seem to be about some sort of movie review, but what else do I do other than work? Just watch movies. Oh and blog, or play The Sims on my computer. *grins* My Mary Kelly and Jack The Ripper couple are doing great by the way. :P

Ziggy Played Guitar.

I didn't win the lottery again today. What a surprise eh? My favourite ticket to play is the Cash For Life, and so far I've had really good luck with it. I won 4 dollars again, enough to play another ticket, which of course I lost on. Usually it takes about two to three tickets before I get a dud. I'm pretty lucky when it comes to that sort of thing. Actually so is my Dad. He always wins with the roll up the rim to win at Tim Hortons. Almost every time he gets another free coffee, or a cookie or something. I mean its never anything big, but at least its something eh?

I'm on fire, I'm running to the core, I'm eating all your Kings and Queens, all your sex and your diamonds.

I wish next weekend would hurry up and come. We get paid on Friday, so Brandon and I are going to make an appointment at TLB so he can get is cartilage done and I can finish my tattoo, and possibly start the one on my foot, or maybe get my nipple done. Not sure if I'm willing to have that all done in one sitting there, but we'll see. I'm going to get a rose in with the butterfly and zodiac symbols over my scar, then a slave ring on my foot. If anyone has any pictures they could send me of something to work with for my foot, I'd be happy to receive them and take a look. :)

Emily Dickinson
'Because I could not stop for death'

Because I could not stop for death
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labour and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school where children played
At wrestling in a ring;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Since then 't is centuries; but each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I hear a voice say don't be so blind. It's telling me things that you would probably hide.

Currently Listening To: Moist- Underground


I watched the movie Thirteen again for the fourth time in total. The movie is so disturbing, yet so realistic it isn't even funny. I can relate to so much of it, I can understand so much of it, but there are parts that I don't understand. How can someone at the age of thirteen go through those sorts of things?

I can't imagine doing the things she does at her age. Grade seven for godsake! When I was in grade seven I was playing with Barbies. Not getting my tongue pierced, or smoking drugs and drinking alcohol. I didn't even think about those things until the end of grade nine.

I suppose it has something to do with where I grew up. Living in Canada is a lot different than the states. And living in rural Cananda is even more different. I don't think I could live in the states. It's a lot more scary than I can even imagine.

My Mom made a comment about how my friend Stephanie turned out the way Tracy in the movie did. When I was living in Oshawa she was my best friend. We did everything together. Sleepovers, movie nights, shopping, everything. Wherever she was, I was. I sort of blame the way she turned out on myself. If I hadn't moved away she wouldn't have turned out so crappy.

I went to visit her March break of grade nine. She was smoking and it really made me look at her differently when I first got there. Of course she was hiding it from her parents. Oh god, if her step dad ever found out she'd be outta the house in seconds. I stayed there for the whole March break, my Mom let me, of course, it was Stephanie, sweet Stephanie, just like me! Wrong.

We went out to a friend of hers' house, and they started smoking up in her brothers room. Of course, wanting to look cool, so did I. We used a Bart Simpson doll to make a bong, burned a hole in the top of his head, stuck a pipe in his side, filled it a quarter of the way with water and away we went. Of course I had never been high before, so I kept asking "Am I high yet? What's it supposed to feel like?" And she answered that if I was reeaally happy, then I was high. Of course I was really happy, I was high.

Then a few days later we took the bus to another friend's house and hopped into a 21 year old guys car, picked up two more girls and drove to his house. He mixed us all drinks and we got drunk at his house. I don't remember who's idea it was, but we all decided to pack the three, three paper joints into a bag, the rest of the alcohol and hop back into his car and go for a drive. We were all drunk, so it sounded like a great idea. On the way down the apartment elevator, I found it funny to push all the buttons before we got off. (Minor detail I could never forget).

Anyways, we drove around the back streets of Ajax, stoned out of our minds, and drunk off our asses. Finally on our way home we were just hitting Oshawa when a cop pulled us over. Now we weren't speeding, and we didn't look suspicious, but there were four of us in the back seat of his car. Bad idea, there are only seatbelts for three, oh and look at that, none of us were wearing any. (I had thought about putting mine on, but when I couldn't get it to work I gave up. I didn't care right?) The officer said that he had to take one of us from the back home, because that way it was legal, and he couldn't just leave us like that. So my drunk ass friend, who had puked blood on the way home by the way, decided to raise her hand and say that we lived the closest! Grrr, stupid move. So we packed it into the back of the police car and he took our addresses and phone numbers, full names and parents names etc. I don't even think he noticed we were drunk or high. (Though I'm sure we stank! To this day I'll never know why he didn't catch us, or say anything). When he dropped us off my family was already there to pick me up. We were so out of it that we thought it would make the situation lighter if we had the police officer wave to her mom through the kitchen window. Duh. Anyways, when we got inside my little brothers, Mom, Dad, her mom, all there. I made a b-line for her room and sprayed myself down, and tried to calm myself. I packed my things and came out and there was my Mom and Stephanie hugging, her bawling her eyes out and my Mom telling her how much she loves her and how she needs to change her life before she goes downhill, etc. (Obviously it didn't help, or she didn't care because she is still the same way as far as I know. AND she isn't even living at home).

So the whole point of my story was that I can totally relate to the movie, even if the movie is 5 times worse. I suppose everyone is supposed to go through some sort of small stage in their lives where they experiment with something or another, whether it be alcohol, cutting yourself, drugs, smoking, lying, stealing, an eating disorder, what have you. So that's why I blame myself, if I hadn't of moved away she might not have gotten into the things she did.

But then Dad made a good comment too. He said maybe it was a sign that we lost everything and had to move away from Oshawa. That way I wouldn't have turned out the same way as she did. I mean it's not exactly a nice thing to say, but it's true. Maybe I would have. I'm not as strong as I am now. I mean, you're more easily influenced when your in grade nine, or seven for that matter.

Friday, March 12, 2004

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

Currently Listening To: Led Zeppelin- Fool In The Rain


I asked my Dad to get my prescriptions from the drug store tonight. I knew that because I had turned eighteen I wouldn't be on my Dads drug plan anymore. But I hadn't expected my prescriptions to cost so goddam much. They've always only cost me 2$ per prescription. Turns out my lower dose of pills cost me $83.76/month, and the larger dosage of pills costs me $160.98/month... It makes me want to puke! That together could be the cost of my rent if Kelly and I share an apartment next school year! $244.74! I want to cry. These pills have been the only ones that have kept my depression at bay. How can I afford to go to university next year, let alone have somewhere to live, if I am paying over two hundred dollars a month to the government for my drugs?? Doesn't anyone realize that in order for me to get anywhere, and be able to function in life, I need to be taking these stupid things? I've not taken them now for almost an entire week, since last Saturday, and today at work I couldn't handle the amount of people screwing up orders, I couldn't handle having to tell people that their pizza wasn't even made yet, after they had waited an hour already. You could say I had a minor breakdown.

Pat drove me home from work tonight, after I had worked a spilt shift from 12 till 8pm. We talked a lot about her friend who had committed suicide. About her son who's in grade 4 and already talking about committing suicide. We talked about how Dad and her met, through Kinark, and how Dad talked to her about Ryan. I confessed that I had had one unsuccessful attempt already, and how I have been on anti-depressants since I was 11 years old. So I can relate to her youngest son. She told me that when her Dad was dying he said something to her that really hit her hard. He said that he had it easy. That he was going to be dying, and leaving behind his hurt, the pain that everyone is going through, and that he was leaving behind all his worries on everyone else's shoulders. Pat said that it's so profound and true.

We also talked about how we felt after the loss of someone to suicide. How her best friend since she was 12 years old had tried committing suicide twice, and been unsuccessful. When she visited him in the hospital she told him that if he was ever down, and ever felt that there was no hope, to call her. She even gave him both her cell and home phone numbers. Finally after a few months had passed she got a call saying that he had died after a successful attempt. She felt so angry at him for leaving her behind. Leaving her to bear the weight of the hurt. Angry at him for causing so much pain on everyone that he left behind. I told her I completely understood. After Ryan died I was angry with him. At how selfish he had been, killing himself and taking the easy way out. Pat said something funny, cause I'd thought it many times before. How if he was standing right in front of me, I wouldn't know what to do, slap him, or hug him. Indeed I still feel like crying, but much better now that I talked with Pat.

I'd never really confided in Pat before, or ever thought of her as someone that I could be close with. But after we had been sitting in my drive way talking for awhile, she gave me her cell and her home phone number, said that if I ever needed somewhere to crash, or if I was stuck somewhere, I could call her 24/7 and she'd be there for me. Can you believe it? She's almost a stranger to me, and yet she told me I was beautiful and that I have so much good in me inside and out. She can see how good a person I am, and that I have so much potential to make in life, if only I break away from the fog and heavy grey clouds, and see the sunshine. She said that one day, I will indeed break away from the clouds, and it will hit me that life is worth living.

(Here's something to make you laugh: I was performing the spell check, and when it came upon Kinark, it gave sinners as the very first replacement word....Cute).

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

I feel it. Theres tension inside, pressure is frazzling and pushing down on me

Currently Listening To: HIM- Beautiful (Rock Version)


Wow can anyone be more frustrated and upset right now? Well, probably, but right now I feel like Im going to puke. I just took the online Smart Serve course and failed both the tries they gave me. I had to pay 37$ to do the damn thing! Now in order to do the test again I have to pay another 37$. It makes me sick to my stomach. Wanna know the funny thing? Mom came in when I was doing the second test and helped me with some of the answers, and I got 5% lower when I was finished. 5%! You have to achieve an 80% in order to pass the test and I got a 76% the first time, and a 72% the second. Maybe I should just go to bed now, and try this again some other night. One where I'm not feeling sick to my stomach because I feel like a complete idiot. I was all set on it being something I'd be able to get in one night. A girl at work told me it was so easy! Like hell! I think I'm finished ranting for now. I'm going to take a trip to the bathroom and watch my money swirl down the drain. So much for being able to serve alcohol with a certificate right now. Have a good one guys. I know I will... Ha.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Never followed the norm where I've been no one goes

Currently Listening To: The Corrs- Everybody Hurts


R.E.M
Everybody Hurts

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don’t let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it’s time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you’ve had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don’t throw your hand. Oh, no. Don’t throw your hand.
If you feel like you’re alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade)
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)

We're going to have phone sex, let me find a condom

Currently Listening To: Nothing...


What is your favourite...?
Gum- Dentine Ice Intense
Restaurant- Chinese Buffet
Drink- Cold water with ice
Season- Fall
Type of Weather- Warm, dry, evening weather
Emotion- Manic, feeling as if you can do anything
Thing to do on a half-day- ? You mean when I only have a half a day of school?
Late-night activity- Reading
Sport- Car racing
City- Montreal

When was the last time you...?
Cried- Tuesday night
Played a sport- Grade eleven
Laughed- 5 seconds ago
Hugged someone- Friday
Kissed someone- Last night
Felt depressed- Friday
Felt elated- A long time ago
Felt overworked- Right now, stress baby
Faked sick- Don't remember
Lied- Don't remember

What was the last...?
Word you said- Physiology
Thing you ate- Sugar cookies
Song you listened to- Some rap song that someone at rez was listening to
Thing you drank- Ice tea
Place you went to- Floor one
Movie you saw- 2 Fast 2 Furious
Movie you rented- Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the original
Concert you attended- Scratch 3

Who was the last person you...?
Hugged- Daniel
Cried over- Jesus
Kissed- Kelly, more of a licked
Danced with- Kelly
Shared a secret with- Kelly
Had a sleepover with- Kelly
Called- Ross
Went to a movie with- Kelly, Nathan, & Brandon
Saw- Terra
Were angry with- Becca's parents
Couldn't take your eyes off of- Matt
Obsessed over- I haven't obsessed over anyone in quite awhile

Have you ever...?
Danced in the rain- Yes
Kissed someone- Yes
Done Drugs- Yes
Drank alcohol- Yes
Slept around- No
Partied until the sun came up- Yes
Had a movie marathon- Yes
Gone too far on a dare- Yes
Spun until you were overly dizzy- Yes
Taken a survey like this before- Yes

Thursday, March 04, 2004

..............

Currently Listening To: Finger Eleven- Slow Chemical



I wrote so goddamn much and it deleted it. I'm too fucking pissed off to write anything right now, so you can just kiss my ass.