Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Time is never on my side

Currently Listening To: Boy Hits Car- The Rebirth
So its almost christmas time again. We all know what that means, right kiddies? Thats right, a rough time. Christmas is always hard around my house now, since my brother died. I mean, it's understandable, but christmas is supposed to be a happy time. And try as we might to make it one, theres always that one point in the day that someone breaks down. Whether it be physically obvious that they have, or just emotionally obvious, you can tell when someone has that look on their face. I think most people look forward to christmas every year. This year Im looking forward to seeing everyone and having dinner at my house, but asside from that, I dont really have that oomph-go-christmas attitude like I used to when I was a kid. I try to make it look like I'm having a good time every year. Even though months before christmas I make sure to tell everyone I hate it. I'm done. Thats all I'm writing.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

It's not easy to hide all this damage inside

Currently Listening To: Staind(acoustic)- Hidden Song

I'm sitting at school, bored again. I don't have class until 2, my History seminar. I usually look forward to it, today isn't any different. Call me a dork, but I like my history class.

Speaking of my history class, two weeks in a row now the bus has been late to the point where I came to class as it was ending. I'm getting really pissed at the bus system. I went out to catch the bus today ten minutes before the hour and it's supposed to come at the hour. So here I was thinking I had plenty of time before it was going to come by my way. A couple of other people show up, and then a few more, and by this time I think it's about ten after the hour... Someone asks what time it is, I hear the person say it's twenty-three after. Great, so the bus has decided to not bother coming by for the hour... More time passes at finally its quater to and lo-and-behold there's the bus! God, I was fuming. That's two weeks in a row that the bus was so late that I was really super late for class. Yesterday wasn't so bad because I was only fifteen minutes late for lecture. But that's still bad. If it had been a seminar I would have been pissed. I think I may really need a car, like ASAP. Someone want to buy me one for christmas? C'mon, you know you do.

It's snowing outside right now, pretty hard too. It's been snowing since like 10ish. It's recently gotten pretty hard though. Earlier when I was walking in it it wasn't too windy out and the snow was falling lightly. When I looked straight up I could see each individual snowflake. It was gorgeous. I felt all angelic walking into the library with my hair covered in white snowflakes. Call me a dork, but I did.

This weekend Kelly, Ben, Johnny and I are all going up to Ben's cottage near Apsley. I think I spelled that right, but I couldn't be sure. Anyways, it's apparently near Jake Lake, and we'll be doing a little bit of drinking, socializing with his grandparents, playing cards, hiking, and sitting by the campfire. It's going to be a really nice relaxing weekend before exams start. I'm pretty sure next week is the last week of classes before Christmas break, for me. And I even have exams on the weekend. Now that's an experience I haven't had before, school on the weekend. Hurray for Univeristy. *rolls eyes* Wish me luck too eh?

So I went to TO this past weekend and browsed through some pretty awesome stores on Queen street. I went into Borderline, Siren, Steve's Music, and some random cool stoers that aren't as popular. Drew pointed out a store called Uglydoll that has the living deal dolls and stuff like that in it, but we were going to have to leave our bags at the door. We decided it wasn't going to be worth it and moved on.

I also made supper for Cameron and Drew on Sunday night. Jennie and Paul had gone to Oshawa because Jennie was called to work at GM Monday morning, so she spent the night at her Dads house and Paul went with her. So it was just Cameron, Drew and I. Carly was there too but she spent most of the time in her room studying and writing a paper for her classes. Actually Cameron spent a lot of time in his room reading too. I was worried about him on Saturday because he hadn't come downstairs at all, and then Sunday morning I was asking Jennie whether he had come down to eat yet. That was a big negative, I was going to ask her if he would care if I went up to make sure he was at least still alive, but I didn't. She assured me he was likely fine.

Saturday night Jennie, Paul, Drew and I went to a little restaurant and got something to eat for supper. It was a really cute place. Pretty busy inside, but cute. Earlier that day Kelly, Drew and I had gone to Subway before Drew and I saw Kelly to the subway so she could meet up with Mole and head to Orangeville, so I wasn't very hungry. Drew and I ended up ordering a plate of appetizers to share, but I still found that I wasn't as hungry as I wanted to be, and the food was really good.

Friday night Kelly and I went to Sarah's wine and cheese party. It was pretty good. A small gathering of people, lots of food and wine, for sure. Kelly and I had to leave early though so we could pack and get some sleep before we had to leave for the bus in the morning. Which ended up being okay because after awhile Kelly started to get bored and I could tell. We asked Steve to drive us home and Cynthia came for the ride. Man she's quite the character. She had some stories to tell thats for sure. And she says the silliest things when she's drunk. She kind of reminded me of myself when I'm drunk. All in good fun, all in good fun. ;)

My Dying Bride- For My Fallen Angel

As I draw up my breath,
And silver fills my eyes.
I kiss her still,
For she will never rise.
On my weak body,
Lays her dying hand.
Through those meadows of Heaven,
Where we ran.
Like a thief in the night,
The wind blows so light.
It wars with my tears,
That won't dry for many years.
"Loves golden arrow
At her should have fled,
And not Deaths ebon dart
To strike her dead."

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

When push comes to shove

Currently Listening To: Sliptknot- Purity
I'm sitting here in my freezing cold room with a headache. I need to cut my toenails, but I can't find my clippers. I've bitten all my finger nails off and the black polish is chipping. I need to tweeze my eyebrows, but I don't have any tweezers, my Mom usually does that for me. I have clean shirts and undergarments hung up around my room because I'm too cheap to put them in the dryer. There isn't as much money is my bank account as I started off with earlier last week, and it wasn't spent on anything. My room is a mess, however I did do laundry and finally put all the clean laundry away that was still sitting in the basket from the last time I went home. I've felt lonely the past couple of days, and I know I shouldn't be, I just have been. I need to make my social life less and focus more on my schooling, otherwise I'm going to find that it'll get in the way.
I should be working on Cultural Studies right now, but I haven't started yet. I did, however, accomplish a shower today, and then a bath where I finished reading The Snow Garden by Christopher Rice. It was amazing, and I couldn't put it down all day today.
Another plus was we watched Star Trek in my Cultural Studies seminar, because the episode had Sigmund Freud in it related to Data's dreams. I enjoyed it, even though I had already seen it when I was younger. We used to watch Star Trek as sort of family time after supper. Of course we watched other shows on top of that one too. We're sort of a 'gather around the TV and spend time together' kind of family. Which I like, because it started me on my love for movies. On the topic of movies, Adam W. told me that Rob Zombie's making another movie. Now that's exciting, I think he's a brilliant man.
I'm currently so cold that I seriously think my nipples could cut glass. I'm even wearing socks, which I hate. I've even turned the heat on in my room just a little bit. Trying to save money here and best as possible ya know.
Oh and I've filled out an application for Zellers again, this time in Peterborough, obviously. I'm pretty sure they will hire me because I've worked there before, and they can't penalize me for being laid off in Cobourg because I was going through a rough time in my life. That wouldn't be fair, medical reasons wise, so I'm prepaired if they phone the Cobourg store asking about me. I just can't wait to start working again. I think it's nice to let yourself take a couple months off before starting up a new job again. When you aren't too financially crippled it works better than having to make sure you have a job lined up before you quit your old one. That way there's a nice transission period in between. A few months off is nice, but getting back to work will keep my mind a little more occupied, and give me some pocket money to spend on sweaters, new socks, and possible some wood and bricks to make a huge shelving unit along my one wall. I'm planning on being able to put my entire collection of books on this unit as well as whatever room is left over for my knick knacks and candles.
Well I'm now really tired and should probably attempt to start my Cultural Studies so that some of it is started early. Better than having to pull another all nighter like I did when I wrote my Philosophy essay Thursday night. But let's not get me started on that shit.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Fruit Integration Baby

Currently Listening To: Absolutely nothing. I forgot my MP3 player at home because I'm a ghey fag.

So, its been like what, over a month now since I've updated this darn thing? I hope half of you haven't wasted your time coming back to check and see if I have posted since the last time you checked. 'Cause that would suck and I'd have to laugh in your faces.

The past two weekends have been Drew related. Halloween was great. I took the Greyhound to TO all by myself. Very first trip I've ever gone on by myself, mind you. I was so nervous that I was going to to get lost, or die in some big huge crash. Then I would have felt bad leaving Drew at the station by himself, while he waited for me to arrive. But thats okay, apparently he wanted me to wait for an hour after my bus arrived anyways. ;) And he's going to love me for saying that too. It's a funny story because his bus was a lot later than he thought it was going to be, and it took him like a half hour to walk to the terminal, which is also funny because the net said it was only about a five minute drive or some dumb thing. I think I walked half of my weight off that night. I was also wearing my Docs so I ended up with torn heels. I'm still wearing bandaids today. but I loved every minute of it. And he's lucky I didn't complain my ass off like I usually do. I felt like sparing him the agony of that.
We walked from the terminal to the venue, the opera house, where Flatlined was supposed to be playing. I do have to say though, they sound much better live than on the dl's from their website. The band before them was pretty good, but the band after them wasn't. But like Drew said, they had potential :P
We left the venue, after being dubbed smokers, and walked back to the terminal. Where we picked up our stuff and tried to find Jennie, who ended up being at a bar. So we walked to the bar where she was at, and thank god she was outside having a cigarette with her friends, otherwise I'd feel like a dork because I'd have to wait outside by myself with the smokers while Drew went in to find her. I'd also have felt bad because I wouldn't have been able to come in and help find her. But that didn't happen so it's all good. Jennie and a few of her friends were going to another bar after they left this one, so her friend (whos name I would never be able to spell) drove us to Jennnie's and we met her boyfriend. Man he was an awesome guy. We made sure to tell her that too. There was just something about him that made him so awesome. Anyways, we watched movies and Drew made me have a beer with him. Candian, not to mention, awful stuff. More funny stuff happened that night, but I dont think its good to be writing about Jennies roommates on the internet without their persmission. ;)

Then this weekend I decided at the last minute to take the bus to St. Catharines and visit Drew at his house. I stayed there the whole weekend, didn't end up getting home until Monday night at like 9ish. Friday night I got to meet the infamous Brandon. I think he was a little overwhelemd by me. He kept asking Drew where he picked me up from. And he didn't lie either, he had his pants off within ten minutes of meeting him. He's a crazy kid. I also got to meet Drews Uncle that I've heard so much about. He had been sitting on the couch watching tv and drinking by himself that night. It was great, we come in and Drew pokes him and tells him he thinks its time for bed. Then Saturday we went out for dinner with Drews friend at Wendy's, and then went out to the bowling alley for another of his friends birthday. But it turned out the wait to get in was going to be like an hour and a half so we went to Boston Pizza and sat and talked. I got to catch up on Drew past gossip, etc. Sunday we went ot Niagra Falls and then to B's grandmas house with his now ex girlfriend Jo. Bought some Peachshnapps and some beer and then headed over to the Boston Pizza in Niagra. We played some arcade games, ate some pizza, then took a Speedy over to Jo's Dad's house where we proceeded to get trashed and play card games all night. The Monday morning we were kicked out early and went back to Drews house where we sort of crashed and lazed around until I had to leave. I also got to meet his Mom on Sunday night. At the time we weren't sure whether or not she was going to be to pleased about me being there at all, but apparently she hasn't said anything about me since. So I think we're in the clear.

So this week was massive oh-god-i-hate-essays week. Thats what I dubbed it. No thank you, I hated doing my history essay. But it took me two hours and Im finally done. Two hours for the good copy that is. And then ever since Monday night for the rough draft and the rough notes. Its finally done and I dont even care how shitty it is. AT LEAST ITS DONE!

So Drew told me I had to update my blog, and there you have it, an entire blog dedicated to him too. He owes me. ;)

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Oh joy oh bliss

So its been an interesting week, to say the least. Two visits to the hospital, a call to 911, an ambulance ride, a prescription for amoxicillin, missed classes, a panic attack caused by a spasm in my right lung, a hug from a friend, a lot of cold medication, a movie called Quills, handfulls of freezies, chest x-rays, falling asleep in lecture, emails to my profs, a visit from my Mom at the hospital, seeing an old friend at the pharmacy, a cat who Im thinking of getting rid of, a cup of tea, shopping for cherry cheesecake, making new friends, and someone who thinks I'm a hypocondriach.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Humanitarianism shmanitarianism

Currently Listening To: GNR- Live And Let Die

Third week of University has gone by, and fast. I'm enjoying all of my classes, and not having trouble so far. I've already written one paper for my History class. I felt so good after I had finished writing it, like a weight off of my chest. And darnit I think I did awesome on it too. I had to write about the general reasons in the decline of witchcraft.

I'm so tired right now, and I feel so fat. I've gained a lot of weight since I've moved away from home. Most people lost weight, but I guess because I had nothing else to do except eat, read and go on my computer, during that first month before school... I've just gotten fatter. It's embarassing because I'm not ever used to being over at the most 120 pounds, and now most of my pants don't fit, and when I wear my tighter t shirts I feel like everyones staring at my stomach which hangs over my pants. I'm going to defninitely stop eating as much as I have been, and drink more damn water. Maybe I can bring my weight back down.

I'm feeling more organized with my school work. I'm not using my five subject work book anymore, instead I'm using a good old fashioned binder. Kelly and I went out and bought a three hole punch, just like the ones at school, and a stapler for more than just a few pieces of paper. It's so handy. Now I'm able to put all my hand outs and print offs into the binder rather than just sliding them into the deviders. God I'm such a geek.

I've started taking vitamins. I think maybe it will help with my overall energy problem, and my lack of motivation thing going on. I wasn't able to get home in time today to call the doctor and have an appointment set up, as well as my pills renewd, which I really need. I haven't had any pills since the end of July, just before I moved to Peterborough. I can tell the difference in my mood, my movitvation, and my overall happiness. I should never have stopped taking them. It always sends me into another depressional state. I suggest to everyone out there who thinks that they're just going to go off of their pills and see if they have gotten better, to not do it without talking to their doctor first. Especially people who have suicidal tendencies, because you think you may be better, but as soon as the chemicals in your brain imbalance themselves because of the lack of medication you can tell the difference in maintaining a healthy state of mind. Please trust me on this one.

I'm so glad I don't have to get up early tomorrow. I'm not gettig up at like 6:30 or whatever it was when I lived in Cobourg, but it feels early. 7am or 8am, depending on the day, is my usual time to get up now. But it still doesn't feel like I'm getting enough sleep, even when I go to bed around 12am -1am. Normally the regular person needs about 8 hours of sleep, but apparently I've always needed more. I hate it because it cuts back on the amount of things I can do in a day, everything has to be shortened and my schedule smaller. *shrugs* Thus is the life of Mandy.

I feel like all I've been doing is complaining, but I guess this is a journal, and you're supposed to write about your feelings and what you've been doing in the past little while. But I feel like I should be writing something deep and meaningful. I guess I could talk about what we talked about in Philosophy seminar today; morality and humanity according to Mill. But I feel too blah. Maybe I'll finish my post from five days ago another time and post it. When I feel like it, that is.

Oh and I'm reading an amazing book right now called The Picture Of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. If you haven't read it you need to. I'm not sure if I talked about this in my previous post, or in any of my comments, so I'm just going to mention it again. Have you seen The League of Extrordinary Gentlemen? Thats likely where you would have heard the name Dorian Gray before now. He was the one whom if he looked at the painting of himself he would cease to be immortal anymore and would change places with the painting, thus he would die, and eventually does in the movie. Well, this book explains how this blessing(or curse) came upon him. And I'm not finished reading halfway through it yet, but apparently he gets to stay young forever just by wishing hard enough on a painting that his friend paints for him. I'm not sure how that works, or how that would make a plot for a story, but so far its neat. Anyways, read it for yourself and you'll see what I mean.

I want to pull out my hair. Ever since Steve downloaded country music to my computer, and Kelly asked me to burn a cd for her with the songs on it, thats all I've been listening to. We have my cd player set up in the living room, so we can listen to music all through the apartment, rather than in just one of our bedrooms, and country has been playing more than anything else. So just before I wrote this I burned another cd with some soft music on it, like collective soul and some moist, and put that one, except it still didnt stop the country music coming from Kellys room. *cries*

Anyways, all that set asside, Im sure I could go on and on about random things that arent exactly intersting to anyone, not even myself, but I wont. I'll leave things at this.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Walked away, walked away, oh my god I walked away

So, not much to say. Tomorrow is the first day of classes for me and Im fuggen nervous. I just know Im going to have trouble finding my classes. Thats the wonders of a huge randomly placed University. How fun!
I dyed my hair again when I went to visit the rents this weekend. It was my Aunts birthday and we had the family down. Mom and I went shopping and we bought ourselves some more hair colour. I'll post a picture for ya.
Other than that, Steve and I are hitting it off I think. We were watching this Japanese movie, and I dont remember half of it...*blushes* He calls me all the time too, just to see what I'm up to.