Reality check...

Currently Listening To:Bob Dylan- Like A Rolling Stone


Wow, has there ever been a point in your life where you feel like you are off to the sidelines, looking in on your life, and you can see all the stupid mistakes you have made? You feel like a complete asshole, and you wish you could turn back the clock and fix everything, but thats impossible, and it makes you want to cry?
That moment for me is right now, this very second, as I talk to Kelly. I feel like crying, but I can't, I havent been able to for a while now. I came close last night at the movies while watching Butterfly Effect for the second time, a few tears, but other than that nothing. I feel like a ball of emotions thats ready to explode at any moment. Sadness, regret, hate, sorrow, anger, frustration, hopelessness, self-loathing...
Is there a reason why I have to lie all the time to everyone that I care about, and hold so dear to me? Is there a reason why I find that I have to lie? Am I doing it to protect my friends, family, or am I doing it to protect myself? Do I do it so that I can paint a different life for myself, make others believe that I am someone different, so I am not disliked by anyone?
All I know is I have officially made a promise to never, ever lie again to anyone that I hold dear to me, and even to anyone in general. It hurts everyone. Its pointless, and shouldnt occur in the first place.
I've finaly now been able to cry. Freely, and does that help me think more clearly? Yes.
I mentioned turning back time, going back to before I began lying in the first place, knowing what I know now, to someone close to me, and they told me that turning back time is for people who make stupid mistakes. That hit hard, reality check, comepletely true. Im not as mature as I thought myself to be.
Ive done a lot of thinking about myself tonight. A lot of much needed soul searching. Im truly not the person I thought I was. I may have known deep inside that something was wrong, but tonight it has hit me hard. It hurts to know I hurt everyone around me. I want to change it all. And now it has to start from scratch again. Everything. Start myself over. New goals, new everything. I have faith that I can do it. I just may need some help along the way....