Sunday, February 29, 2004

I wanted you to know, I love the way laugh. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away.

Currently Listening To: Seether- Broken


Kelly phoned me today to let me know that Lyndsay had told Hollie about my having sex on my period. It was brought up at work, and everyone was giving their opinions on what they felt about having sex while a girl was on their period, and whether or not they had done it before. I have no problems having sex on my period, if indeed I am horny. So Lyndsay felt it was her business to run home and tell Hollie about how disgusting I was. And of course, because Hollie is Kelly's sister, Hollie went running to Kelly and said; "Oh my god, Mandy screwed John while she was on her period!?" At the time I wasn't sure what to say to Kelly, because Kelly felt that I should have kept my mouth shut. However now that I think about it, it was none of both Lyndsay and Hollie's business whether I had screwed someone on my period, let alone screwed someone at all. Indeed I had said that I felt there was nothing wrong with it and had had sex while on my period before, and even though Lyndsay decided to run to Hollie and tell her about it, and Hollie decided to tell Kelly about it... I just dont see why there was a need for Hollie to confront Kelly and force Kelly to tell her who the second person I've had sex with was. What is it her business? If I didnt say who the person was in the first place, obviously I didnt want anyone knowing. Kelly shouldnt have had to defend me to Hollie. What should have been said was "its none of your business, so drop it." So I emailed Kelly and explained that the next time anything comes up, to let Hollie know that I said its none of her damn business and to mind her own.

God it felt really good typing this and the email.

On a much lighter note! The Rocky Horror Picture Show play at Capital Theatre last night was freaking amazing! I havent seen a play so well done in my life. (Mind you I havent seen many plays in the first place). It also helped that I knew the guy playing Frankfurter. Oh lord did everyone do a good job! I didnt expect it to be so damn good. Amanda paid for me to go, as a birthday present. And because Chelsea, Brynn and Kyle had no money, we couldn't go on Friday like I wanted to, so I asked Brandon and Nathan if they wanted to go as well. Amanda brought her friend Danielle along, and we had an awesome time. Amanda and I dressed the part. I with my hair like Magentas, except up in pins, my hair even the same dark reddish colour, my docks, fishnet and a corset with a satin skirt. And Amanda in leather pants and a corset, we were set! I had the best time in a really long time.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

I thought, you'd be out of my mind, and I'd finally found a way to live without you.

Currently Listening To: Finger Eleven- One Thing


I've come to the conclusion that if I want people to bother leaving me comments, then I need to post more often than I do.

Today was so rockin'. After school my Mum drove Brynn, Chelsea, Kyle, Lil' Amanda and I to the mall. I got my hair cut and dyed, and my nails done. (Don't even ask how much it cost). We farted around until nine o'clock when the mall guard had to actually tell us it would be a good idea to leave now, considering the mall closes at nine. =P Well my hair is darker and more maroon coloured now, and my nails are hot.

Turns out I really, really love life. I'm starting to become a better person. And I'm showing the inner me a little more now. Since I've made a promise to never ever lie again, it's taken a lot of muchly unneeded stress away from life.

Oh oh oh and I got my mark back from my art sketches, 94% baby! Booya! (I can't believe I just said booya... What is this world coming to?) I'm really enjoying the sculpture project we're doing right now. Using pop cans to create a creature that can't resemble anything human, using super glue and duct tape, and then painting them with spray paint. However I need to do detail work on mine, so turns out I need to buy some nail polish. Oh and I'm attatching the pieces together with stripped twist ties. Oh it's a snake by the way. It's so hot! Or will be anyways.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Please hear what I'm not saying

Currently Listening To: Pantera- Electric Funeral


Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul

I Try to Remember

1. Everybody Doesn't Have to Love Me
Not everybody has to love me or even like me. I don't necessarily like everybody I know, so why should everybody else like me? I enjoy being liked and being loved, but if somebody doesn't like me, I will still be okay and still feel like I am an okay person. I cannot make somebody like me, any more than someone can get me to like them. I don't need approval all the time. If someone does not approve of me, I will still be okay.

2. It Is Okay to Make Mistakes
Making mistakes is something we all do, and I am still a fine and worthwhile person when I make them. There is no reason for me to get upset when I make a mistake. I am trying, and if I make a mistake, I am going to continue trying. I can handle making a mistake. It is okay for others to make mistakes, too. I will accept mistakes in myself and also mistakes that others make.

3. Other People Are Okay and I Am Okay
People who do things I don't like are not necessarily bad people. They should not necessarily be punished because I don't like what they do or did. There is no reason why other people should be the way I want them to be, and there is no reason why I should be the way somebody else wants me to be. People will be whatever they want to be, and I will be whatever I want to be. I cannot control other people or change them. They are who they are; we all deserve basic respect.

4. I don't Have to Control Things
I will survive if things are different than what I want them to be. I can accept things the way they are, accept people the way they are, and accept myself the way I am. There is no reason to get upset if I cant change things to fit my idea of how they ought to be. There is no reason why I should have to like everything. Even if I don't like it, I can live with it.

5. I Am Responsible for MY Day
I am responsible for how I feel and what I do. Nobody can make me feel anything. If I have a rotten day, I am the one who allowed it to be that way. If I have a great day, I am the one who deserves credit for being positive. It is not the responsibility of other people to change so that I can feel better. I am the one who is in charge of my life.

6. I Can Handle It When Things Go Wrong
I don't need to watch out for things to go wrong. Things usually go just fine, and when they don't, I can handle it. I don't have to waste my energy worrying. The sky wont fall in; things will be okay.

7. It Is Important to Try
I can. Even though I may be faced with difficult tasks, it is better to try than to avoid them. Avoiding a task does not give me any opportunities for success or joy, but trying does. Things worth having are worth the effort. I might not be able to do everything, but I can do something.

8. I Am Capable
I don't need someone else to take care of my problems. I am capable. I can take care of myself. I can make decisions for myself. I can think for myself. I don't have to depend on somebody else to take care of me.

9. I Can Change
I don't have to be a certain way because of what has happened in the past. Every day is a new day. Its silly to think I cant help being the way I am. Of course I can. I can change.

10. Other People Are Capable
I cant solve other peoples problems for them. I don't have to take on other peoples problems as if they were my own. I don't need to change other people or fix up their lives. They are capable and can take care of themselves, and can solve their own problems. I can care and be of some help, but I cant do everything for them.

11. I Can Be flexible
There is more than one way to do something. More than one person has had good ideas that will work. There is no one and only best way. Everybody has ideas that are worthwhile. Some may make more sense to me than others, but everyone's ideas are worthwhile, and everyone has something worthwhile to contribute.

Author Unknown
Submitted by Allison Stevenson

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Call Me

Currently Listening To: Korn- Children of the Korn


I'm sitting here at my desk with Kelly, Chippy, and Brandon in my room. We're all sort of just chilling, and its 2:30AM. Who does that!? (And no I am not actually asking, its called a rhetorical question Chelsea).

The only things I have to say are that I work a whole fucking lot. I am starting to waitress on Monday after school. I have an essay due on Monday that I havent quite started yet, for religion class. I have a quiz to hand in on a chapter that I havent read for English class, due Monday. I dont quite follow politics class, I might eventually start getting it soon. I am absolutely not tired, and I dont know why. I even took my pills. I tried calling Dennis tonight, from CampusKiss, but it was 1:30Am, and he was sleeping. Good thing I didnt wake him up.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Tip the table, oh here's more bad luck

Currently Listening To: Rasputina- Dig Ophilia


I found something hillarious, and suprisingly, not racists or discriminating towards over-weight people at all. Enjoy!

Subscribe now to VampireDust's mailing list

Currently Listening To: Our Lady Peace- Not Enough


There’s nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There’s nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
There’s nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place

When they say
You’re not that strong
You’re not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you’re well

There’s nothing left to prove
There's nothing I won’t do
There’s nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here

When they say
You’re not that strong
You’re not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you’re well

What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over

What you got
What you love
What you need
What you have is real

It's not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough, I'm sorry

It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough...

When they say
You’re not that strong
You’re not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you’re well

It’s not enough
No
It’s not enough
It’s not enough

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Riding on My Carousel

Currently Listening To:Finger Eleven- Sad Exchange


Do I blame it all on hormones, or do I accept that my emotions are going to be like this for the rest of my life because I am a woman? I'm telling you now, if this is going to be the way I am for the rest of my days, I'm going to be the one to invent a safe mood altering drug that you can take once and be fixed for life. None of this waking up feeling uneasy, and slowly throughout the day turning into a "burn-out" as Brandon put it this evening. Apparently I looked like a burnt out hippy. Go me? Oh boy.

Kelly and I worked out our quarrel. I'm so worn out emotionally from this past few weeks, that I'm showing it physically. I'm just luck I'm fairly able to keep up with school. I'm pushing myself harder this semester. A 76% grade average is not acceptable to me. I'm sorry, but that isn't going to get me into the top spot for University. Unacceptable I say.

I'm so tired, I feel like I could collapse where I am, but I know I still have to get some hours into my sketchbook for art class, on top of try reading some more of my book for English class. It's actually a pretty damn good book. It's called The Wars, by Timothy Findley. I have to recommend it to anyone who likes a good war story. Nothing bloody and gory, mostly just straight facts and a truth thats brutal for a piece of fiction. Not so sure this paragraph was supposed to turn into an add for my English book, but hey, why not right?

I swear I could sit and stare at this screen for hours. Not reading the words. Not even coherently taking in anything except maybe the music in the background as I zone out.

My face won't seem to relax. The muscles in my forehead seem to want to stay crinkled up in a frown, and my eyes are so tired they are drooping all over the place yet, still at the same time, tense. My mood ring says I am blue. I suppose that could either mean I'm feeling really hot, or my curculation is bad again. Likely the hot part, cause only my feet are cold right now (which isn't a rare occurance). I freeze so easily. I tell everyone I am allergic to the cold.

I think it's out of stress and just plain emotional drain, but I've been biting my nails a lot more lately. And it's not as if I didn't bite them a lot before either. It's gotten to the point where, I mentioned this this morning to Kelly when we woke up, I feel like I am preforming Chinese nail torture to myself, and shoving things underneath my nails. I don't even realize I bite them most of the time. It'll be when I'm watching a movie, or reading. The only times I totally catch myself, are when I am doing something productive with my hands, such as typing, or drawing, that way I have to stop what I am doing in order to bite. Then I can catch myself, and either give in, or stop. It all depends on my mood, which's been pretty shitty lately.

Anyways, my arms are fairly tired, so I'll give them a rest and lay down for a little while. Then get started on my art. Blessings and my love.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Reality check...

Currently Listening To:Bob Dylan- Like A Rolling Stone


Wow, has there ever been a point in your life where you feel like you are off to the sidelines, looking in on your life, and you can see all the stupid mistakes you have made? You feel like a complete asshole, and you wish you could turn back the clock and fix everything, but thats impossible, and it makes you want to cry?
That moment for me is right now, this very second, as I talk to Kelly. I feel like crying, but I can't, I havent been able to for a while now. I came close last night at the movies while watching Butterfly Effect for the second time, a few tears, but other than that nothing. I feel like a ball of emotions thats ready to explode at any moment. Sadness, regret, hate, sorrow, anger, frustration, hopelessness, self-loathing...
Is there a reason why I have to lie all the time to everyone that I care about, and hold so dear to me? Is there a reason why I find that I have to lie? Am I doing it to protect my friends, family, or am I doing it to protect myself? Do I do it so that I can paint a different life for myself, make others believe that I am someone different, so I am not disliked by anyone?
All I know is I have officially made a promise to never, ever lie again to anyone that I hold dear to me, and even to anyone in general. It hurts everyone. Its pointless, and shouldnt occur in the first place.
I've finaly now been able to cry. Freely, and does that help me think more clearly? Yes.
I mentioned turning back time, going back to before I began lying in the first place, knowing what I know now, to someone close to me, and they told me that turning back time is for people who make stupid mistakes. That hit hard, reality check, comepletely true. Im not as mature as I thought myself to be.
Ive done a lot of thinking about myself tonight. A lot of much needed soul searching. Im truly not the person I thought I was. I may have known deep inside that something was wrong, but tonight it has hit me hard. It hurts to know I hurt everyone around me. I want to change it all. And now it has to start from scratch again. Everything. Start myself over. New goals, new everything. I have faith that I can do it. I just may need some help along the way....

Friday, February 13, 2004

Someday this place is gonna blow

Currently Listening To: Moist- Push


I was just flipping through my archives of a really long time ago, and found this poem. I thought it would be usefull to share with everyone. Hopefully you get something out of it.

The Undead
Richard Wilbur (1961)
Even as children they were late sleepers,
Preferring their dreams, even when quick with monsters,
To the world with all its breakable toys,
Its compacts with the dying;

From the stretched arms of withered trees
They turned, fearing contagion of the mortal,
And even under the plums of summer
Drifted like winter moons.

Secret, unfriendly, pale, possessed
Of the one wish, the thirst for mere survival,
They came, as all extremists do
In time, to a sort of grandeur:

Now, to their Balkan battlements
Above the vulgar town of their first lives,
They rise at the moon's rising. Strange
That their utter self-concern

Should, in the end, have left them selfless:
Mirrors fail to perceive them as they float
Through the great hall and up the staircase;
Nor are the cobwebs broken.

Into the pallid night emerging,
Wrapped in their flapping capes, routinely maddened
By a wolf's cry, they stand for a moment
Stoking the mind's eye

With lewd thoughts of the pressed flowers
And bric-a-brac of rooms with something to lose, -
Of love-dismembered dolls, and children
Buried in quilted sleep.

Then they are off in a negative frenzy,
Their black shapes cropped into sudden bats
That swarm, burst, and are gone. Thinking
Of a thrush cold in the leaves

Who has sung his few summers truly,
Or an old scholar resting his eyes at last,
We cannot be much impressed with vampires,
Colorful though they are;

Nevertheless, their pain is real,
And requires our pity. Think how sad it must be
To thirst always for a scorned elixir,
The salt quotidian blood

Which, if mistrusted, has no savor;
To prey on life forever and not possess it,
As rock-hollows, tide after tide,
Glassily strand the sea.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Why would you make it easier for me to satisfy, I'm on fire

Currently Listening To:Sex Pistols- My Way


I should update you on my birthday, which went swell, other than my friends leaving me on Thursday night. Brandons the only friend who came with us. Brynn, Chelsea and Kyle were supposed to come with my family for supper, and we were going to go to Casey's, cause I get free dinner on my birthday. We waited around until probably 6 o'clock for them, but I couldn't find them anywhere, only to go to Chelsea's house asking for them, to find that they had walked to the mall. I still don't get it. I guess it just wasn't very important. We had a good time anyways.

Casey's was too busy as it was, we waited there for awhile, but in the end I decided that we should just drive over to East Side Marios. It was pretty busy at East Sides as well, but we ended up finding some seats up by the bar. The food was great, it always is there, it's one of my favourite restaurants. I love Italian foods. After our meal was done, the waiters all came over and made me stand up on my bar stool so they could sing their rendition of happy birthday. It was great. And the piece of cake they brought out for me had oreo cookies on it, so I couldn't help thinking about Paul. It would have been cool for him to be there too. But living so far away poses a slight problem.

Before we went to the restaurant, thought, I opened my birthday gift from Mom. I got the leather jacket from Rickies that I wanted to buy so badly when we were winter jacket shopping before Christmas. It's too bad it wasn't a surprise like everyone thought it was going to be, considering Matt gave it away. Silly kid. Oh well, I always end up finding out about my presents at Christmas or my birthday somehow. I think the only big present that was ever a real surprise was this computer I got a few years back.

Anyways, then on Friday it turned out to be a snow day, happy birthday to Mandy! So I got to sleep in. That evening Kelly, Brandon and Nathan came over after I was finished work. It was a cool surprise get together. I was really disappointed in Chelsea for not coming though. Brynn and Kyle were supposed to come again too, but they told Kelly they were grounded. (Only for me to find out today from Kelly and The Unloved, that Chelsea, Brynn and Kyle all went downtown instead of come to my place). Did I do something wrong?

Kelly, Brandon, Nathan, Matthew and Mom all pitched in for my birthday present, which was the boots from Doc Martins that I wanted oh-so-badly! Every time I walked past the Doc store I basically creamed my pants while staring at them. And now I own them! I wish that had been a surprise too. Kelly told me she knew I knew, because I didn't act as surprised as I should have. Well that could be because when I was putting my new jacket on the night before, Daniel came running out with the Doc Martin box in his hand. So I pretended not to notice, completely fooling Mom into believing I didn't know. I don't like disappointing people. I like them to know they surprised me. I like to see the look on their faces.

Kelly, Nathan and Brandon ended up sleeping over. Poor Nathan though had a little fit over not being able to sleep in the same bed as Kelly. Apparently our pull out couch is really uncomfortable according to him (It really is). So he had a hissy and went upstairs and slept on the very comfortable couch in the living room instead. Brandon slept with me in my bed, and kelly slept on the mattress in the middle of my floor.

We stayed up so late that night though. We watched movies upstairs until probably about 2:30 or so, and then went downstairs and set the alarm for 4am when Brandon got home from work, went upstairs and waited for him. He still wasn't here at like half past four, so Kelly and Nathan set out to his house to find him, and ended up meeting him on their way back to my house after not finding his car at his house. Apparently he had driven someone home after work. That's cool, but we were kinda waiting for him! *shakes fist* When Brandon came back we watched the last movie I had rented, The Diary Of Ellen Rimbower, or however its spelt. It was pretty good. The prequal to Rose Red, by Steven King. So we didn't end up going to bed until 7am, only to be waken up two hours later by the kids running around upstairs. (Except Brandon and I ended up waking Kelly up because apparently our kissing was too loud. She described it as wet noises. Lol. I felt bad. She didnt want to make it obvious that we had woken her up, so she sort of stirred around and then stretched, giving us a clue. Oopsy?).

And now for yesterdays wonderfully depressing news. My Mom officially has lost all trust in me, and feels used by everyone in our family. Isn't that pleasant. On Friday night when everyone was over, I poured a shot of Whiskey into each mine and Kelly's drinks of Coke, and she saw, I hadn't asked, and it was her alcohol. I was obviously going to tell her that I had done it, but she was disappointed because I hadn't asked her first. Guess I should have, but I figured she wouldn't have minded. I was assuming again. Suppose I do that too often.

As for losing trust in me. That is again my fault. One Sunday night, when I was full aware there was school the next morning, I stayed at Brandons house until one in the morning. I had Brandon drive me home, and explained to my parents that we had fallen asleep. That wasn't quite what happened. I just didn't feel like going home. I didn't really have a reason, other than I wasn't looking forward to coming home that night, so I pro-longed the stay for as long as I possibly could before I guessed my parents would call the police. When I got home Dad informed me that he had just phoned Brandons house and got no answer. Its a good thing he hadn't woken up Brandons parents, they wouldn't have been too happy about that. Along with this story, because it does have a point, on Friday night Mom confronted Brandon about this. (Which I am not sure why, considering it was like 3 weeks ago, but apparently she still cared about the stupid incident). And even though I told Brandon not to say anything, he told mom that he had mentioned I should go home, after I told him I didn't have a curfew and not to worry about. That's completely true, but that just set my Mom off. Obviously I know not to do that sort of stuff around Brandon anymore.

So, again adding to Moms list of badness, on Saturday night, Kelly and Brandon were joking around with Mom and mentioned something that had to do with people (mainly Brandon) sneaking into my window at night. Now first of all this has never happened before, and I don't ever plan on it happening. But for some odd reason Mom took them seriously and believed what they said to be completely true. I have no idea why she would do this, when, according to Brandon and Kelly, it was made plainly obvious that they were joking and even laughing about it. (Oh and to clear something up, I was asleep at this time, and had fallen asleep at nine that evening, with Brandon showing up at eleven, so I wasn't there for this). When I informed Mom they were plainly joking she still didn't believe me, and said that they had gone with them joking because I had confronted them about it, because they had been serious in the first place. It got me so mad! So mad that I wrote both Brandon and Kelly an email explaining my anger and frustration at the whole situation of the sneaking in my bedroom window, the alcohol and the Sunday night at Brandons. I guess I had just had it. Now I'm not one to show my anger in any way, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

It felt really good writing the email. But not 5 minutes later Brandon phoned me to let me know it had all been a joke etc. And to tell me he was sorry. I softened at that point and wrote them both back an email apologizing for making it look like I was more angry than I really was etc. I truly did feel bad, but I was still angry, no matter what I said in the second letter.

Kelly phoned me last night and wanted to speak to Mom, who wasn't speaking to me, and still isn't. She was not pleased with Kelly phoning, I could definitely tell. She told Kelly that it was fine. But I know that to her it wasn't. Its hard for her, and its the same with me, to admit when she is wrong. I guess its the whole perfectionist thing again. I also think its a hereditary gene or something.

As for today, I didn't go to school this morning for a lot of different reasons. First of all it started with my having a headache, but I put an ice pack on my head and fell back to sleep. By later on it got to the point where I just didn't feel like getting out of bed, I was too damn stressed, depressed, sick and tired of everything. So I officially didn't get out of my bed after that until probably 4:30 this afternoon. Only because Mom sent Daniel downstairs to let me know I had to babysit them. The only thing she's said to me all day was make sure I don't take my eyes off of them, and then closed the door the front door on her way to work. It made me feel so good!...

Brandon came over at about six or so, and stayed with the kids and me and we watched And Now For Something Completely Different-Monty Python, and Me, Myself and Irene. At eight I put the kids to bed and after the movies were over I played Scoobie Doo on the playstation. Brandon had never seen it before, so I put it on. It only made me frustrated cause I had forgotten I was at a point where I was stuck and cant go any farther. I'm only 47% done the damn game. Its supposed to be a kids movie, but it really isn't.

Anyways, it is morning now, and I should be sleeping. But I know I'm only going to end up going and reading until I fall asleep. Goodnight my faithful readers. Sweet dreams to you all.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

If we lived on T.V....

Currently Listening To:Bush- Mouth


Okay, so today is Wednesday, and so that means it's been officially three days since my surgery. This morning the swelling was not as bad as it was yesterday. I suppose that's because yesterday I talked so damn much (I had to go to school, but by my own choice). Today, because I had so many people comment that I was crazy for going to school, I felt it best to stay home, sleep, read and continue taking the drugs the doctor gave me. I suppose it helped. Yesterday was the first time I ate something since Sunday. I had some chicken noodle soup, and then some popsicles and ice cream after supper. I took one of the Demorals that the doctor gave me for intense pain and became a zombie who couldn't handle any "intellectual" conversations. (I put intellectual in quotes because I wasn't even able to handle Brandon talking about the simplest of things, but I kept telling him not to talk about such confusing intellectual things. Oh well, I still have four of the pills left, better make them last).

Im a tad bit puzzled, because even though I knew Brandon liked me enough to go out with me, I had no idea it was romantically. He's been coming over a lot lately, more so than he used to, but I didn't think he was attracted to me like that. In his own words he said, I really dig you. Ah well, at least I made sure he knew that I didn't feel romantically towards him. He told me he already knew that, but he cant help it. That I understand. I've been in his situation before, ironically it was involving him. Sometimes I really do believe that life is one big soap opera. But I've always said that.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Currently Listening To:Infected Mushrooms Yahel- Tsunami


Well, tomorrow is the big day. I hope I don't have too much bruising after they yank my teeth out. =S Wish me luck!

I worked again tonight. It wasn't as busy as I thought it was going to be, considering its Super Bowl Sunday. But oh well, I got paid for the 3 hours I was there anyways.

Also today is the big day for raises. Minimum wage goes up to 7$ an hour. So I'll be getting 7.10$ and hour because I'll be 18 on Thursday. Still not as good pay as it was at Zellers, but it'll do.

Here by my side, an angel. Here by my side, the devil. Never turn your back on me.



So turns out the modeling session didn't work out as planned. By the time I got home from work it was too late, and Amanda had already done hers in the afternoon. Turns out Rene had to work until 3pm that day, and I had to start work at 4 and didn't get off until 8 that night. Amanda said that Rene still wants to have a session with me and Amanda, but it will have to be on another day, obviously. And I had all my clothes packed and everything! Gah.

I've worked quite a bit the last few days. It feels good to know that money is going to be coming in. I guess I also like to go to work. The people are great, and it's not a hard job either. Finally!

Paul is convinced I am bored with him, and that I am avoiding him or something. I suppose he has reason to, considering I am never online. I just find it hard to go on and associate with anyone anymore. I find I am drifting away from the whole social internet life thing. I'm more in the mood for the behind-the-scenes-action. There but not really there. Maybe I am becoming anti-social or something. I don't know.

I think my artistic talent has gone down the drain. I've tried to draw two things now, and they both look like shit. I think maybe Im just not as focused as I should, or used, to be. It's really disappointing. I used to think I was alright when it came to art, but now when I look at my recent drawings I frown. They don't even seem like my kind of art.

Currently Listening To: Korn- Make Me Bad.