Oh... My... God...

It feels oh so good to be back here blogging again. You dont realize how much you miss blogging until you are gone from it for a few days. Oh and my Dad bought me a shiny new keyboard today. Its black and the keys press in really easily, AND the spacebar doesnt beep!! Oh hail there is a god.

This weekend was really stressful, I know in the last sentence I said there was a god, but you dont really believe that thats what I believe do you? If there was, then my kitty Whiskers, whom Ive had since I was 4 years old, would not be laying on my bed, dying as we speak. If there was a god, he wouldnt have gotten my hopes up and made Whiskers seem like he was getting better up until yesterday. He wouldnt hav been such a prick and given Whiskers whatever it is he has. I hate you god. If you are there, and you can hear me, I hate you.

Now that that is off my chest, my hating god and all...

Ive been crying all day, I cant seem to stop. I mean who can blame me and all. I was so depressed earlier when I wanted to call my relatives and let them know that Whiskers was dying, that my Mum had to call them for me. Which of course ended up with my Mum crying, me crying, and whoever at the time she was talking to on the other line crying as well. We sat in the living room with the DVD player on pause(we were watching X-Men ll but dad had to go and get some KFC because it was already 6:30 and we hadnt eaten anything, even though I wasnt hungry), I watched Whiskers who went from my lap to the floor, he cant seem to get comfortable, and Mum used the phone.

I am not sure which is worse, waiting and watching your loved one die, or having it happen so instantaniously. I mean, Ive had both happen to me so far, so youd think I would have the asnwer, but the truth really is, there isnt one that is more worse than the other, they are both equaly devastating. Its just one has a longer wait than the other. The one that happens so suddenly can be painful in the way that you are unprepaired, thus financial issues and such arise. But the long wait can have you more prepaired... Though Im not so sure thats better, because it almost makes you all cried out, and a little bit apathetic towards the situation. Its like your body shuts down as you stare at your loved one, watching every five minutes to make sure they are still breathing. It almost becomes used to the situation and you move through the motions and tackle the problems as they come at you. But determining which is the worse one is impossible. So there you have it people, the answer. Glad to be of some help.

I am so stressed right now its unbelieveable. I have an ISU I should be working on, a few essays for 'Dwyer, homework, reading, but I just cant do it. My mind is so preoccupied with more important things such as Whiskers dying and having the flu. This stuff really drains you. I should have remembered this from grade nine when Ryan dies, but I guess your mind kinda shuts the painfull memories out and tries to make it so you can push on instead of always thinking about them. Well thats what happened in my case anyways. Grade nine is one big blur. I dont think there is one think I can remember, other than I know I had Mr. Linehan and Mrs. Tatlock as teachers, only because they remember me as being one of their students. You look at the situation as it happens as something you will never forget, ever, but the things that are happening around as the hard situation is going on are a blur. They just arent as important. You dont want to eat, you dont want to drink or even have a shower, all you want to do is focuss on spending time with him.... Thats all I want to do, stay home and lay in my bed with my baby and care for him until he passes away.

Mum brought up what we are going to do with Whiskers when he passes. She suggested we burry him in the backyard by the vegetable garden because there at least he wont get disturbed. But for some reason I find that a little weird. Having him so close, yet so far away. Because I know thats not really him out there, that his soul has gone somewhere else and thats only his body decaying in the ground by our garden. Mum seems to think its a good idea, because then we can have him near us, but I look at it as creepy and weird. Though I know I wont stick by that because I am not the only one going through this. I guess burying him in the backyard is an okay thing.

I used to have this book when I was little, and the little girl in it loses her kitty. Throughout the book she asks her parents where her kitty is now, and what happened to it. Then they have a funeral service with her and her parents in her backyards and wrap the kitty in either a red or yellow scarf. They bury it there by a tree. The book is really morbid, but Im remembering it now that my kitty is dying. I want to look for it, maybe Ill find it in Daniel and Kyles room, on their bookshelf. I gave all of my books to them, well it wasnt really my choice, it was more, 'oh look all my books from when I was little are on Daniel and Kyles bookshelf, how nice.' Of course Mum knew I wouldnt really mind all that much, they do need to learn how to read too. Plus Kyle can just sit in his room for hours and "read" his books(he is only 4 afterall).

I just looked over at Whiskers again, hes laying on my bed curled in a ball, I dont think he can get warm. I had to stare at him extra hard, it didnt look like he was breathing and my heart skipped a beat. There was a moment there where I was going to either breakdown or puke. Sort of a mixture of both. I have deffinate anxiety right now. God sometimes I hate this...

I do have some good news though! Andrew was released from the hospital yesterday and he'll be going to school tomorrow. He is still a little messed up in the head, but he seems to be doing fine. He cant remember the accident or the stay in the hospital, but thats okay. In my opinion its a good thing that he cant remember the accident, I wouldnt think it would really be a pleasant memory to recall. Paul told me on the phone tonight that he and Drew found the spot where he had the accident and they studied what must have happened. Its so aweful. If you click on the link in Pauls name there, it should take you to his blog and update you on whats been happening so far. Im thinking of you both Paul.

As for everything else in life... What everything else?