This feeling inside of me is a sort of a cold breeze.

I guess now would be a good time than any to write something. I suppose I need to work out some time management skills. Yuck.

Im having a most interesting conversation with Becca and Paul right now. Brandon has put in me in a philosophical mood tonight. While he was here we were playing the question and answer game, but it got to the point where we weren't asking each other what their favourite meal or what they like best about themself was, it went to "is it wrong when someone kills someone, even if to them its morally right?" And so on. So this provoked an interesting discussion about Becca in the chat room on The Unloved tonight. I have permission to use both Becca and Pauls input, and obviously mine. So Im going to post the conversation in here for you all to read. It seems to easiest way to get the jist of everything.


kamikazedreamer : i just went on your tagboard and commanded your blog to awake, k?
VampireÐust : Okies
VampireÐust : Thank you
kamikazedreamer : and you should. i just had a shower so i'm happy
VampireÐust smiles
VampireÐust : good, glad to hear someone is happy
VampireÐust sighs
VampireÐust : Im happy because I got to talk to Paul tonighr
VampireÐust : tonight* even
kamikazedreamer : how's chelsea now?
VampireÐust : Shes better she said
kamikazedreamer : good
kamikazedreamer : i was worried
kamikazedreamer : you may have noticed
VampireÐust : Yes, but shes usually fine after she has some sort of painful release, and I know how aweful that sounds, but its the only way she knows how.
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : Sunrise, sunset, the sunrise and the sunset, from the cradle to the casket, sunrise, sunset today...
kamikazedreamer : phew. i think
VampireÐust : She really should discover that there are other ways other than cutting.
kamikazedreamer : i went on my blog about it... she sholud
kamikazedreamer : *should
VampireÐust : But I suppose shes stubborn for one, and the other would be because at the time it feels good to her
kamikazedreamer : but she's been taught already, what can we do?
kamikazedreamer coughs
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : tie her up and molest her with candles until she promises never to do it again?
kamikazedreamer : that would be bad to do
VampireÐust : that wouldnt be very good. The reason she does what she does is because she feels useless somehow. Its apparently hard to explain.
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : mergh
VampireÐust : She feels like she needs to be used or something. Im sure it has something to do with her experience as a child. But I dunno.
kamikazedreamer : she needs to feel useless, to prove that it is not just the truth to her
kamikazedreamer : but she isn't...
kamikazedreamer sniffles
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : She needs attention and shes not getting enough so she does something drastic that you will all spaz about...
kamikazedreamer : no, i panicked
VampireÐust : I have this thing with not be able to believe a lot of what people say lately, and therefore always come to the worst conclusion, such as what Paul just mentioned.
kamikazedreamer : i said it all in blog,
kamikazedreamer : but poetic-a-bob
VampireÐust : Actualy, I think its that I am finaly noticing that I have this problem with not believing a lot of what people say
kamikazedreamer : i take it too hard or not at all
VampireÐust : but Ive always been that way, and not to mention the whole trust thing has gone down the drain.
VampireÐust : Thats not good, everyone has to have a happy medium
VampireÐust : When you find your happy medium, life will not seem so hard, and you may actually find it liveable.
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : Life is liveable for me because I'm al;ways a big ball of angst
kamikazedreamer : ... happy? i'm hyper or sad
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : and I know how chelsea thinks because I used to be like that
kamikazedreamer : i think. i don't see myself right
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : granted I was more shy about it
VampireÐust : Becca: yes because thats your way of showing an emotion, even though you need to figure out on your own other ways of showing emotions. Repression isnt good.
VampireÐust : And yes the one thing that gives away that she wants it for attention is that she shows a lot of people it, or she'll "casually" mention how its hurting, or how shes so itchy.
kamikazedreamer : i stab my wall? or used to. my room got moved, 'member? it isn't my room. it isn't secure
kamikazedreamer : and not want to be alone
VampireÐust : But that has nothing to do with... with your emotions. If you dont want to be alone, you need to be more social, if you know what I mean. Get out into the neighborhood and apply yourself. I dont know if you even want to hear any of this, but Im going to
VampireÐust : yap anyways.
kamikazedreamer : she won't want to be alone. if i was crying, i would be trying to hide.
kamikazedreamer : and i want to hear anything about me. i need to know me.
kamikazedreamer : and i am apathetic, but not as badly as others.
VampireÐust : But I dont necessarily know you. You know you, dont go by what other people say they think is you. Figure it out on your own. Yuo can always use other peoples opinions, but dont give up on figuring out yourself by yourself.
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : Becca is too insecure and focuses too much on achieving something that is nearly impossible...
kamikazedreamer : everyone has something worse than me. it's a fact
kamikazedreamer : or better
kamikazedreamer : i don't know me.
VampireÐust : Thats also true. Another thing is that know one will ever truly know themself. I dont care what the buddhist monks say, to me know one really knows the true them.
kamikazedreamer : i need even a bit of light. you?
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : *no
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : sowwy
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : t'was bugging me
kamikazedreamer : tis okay
VampireÐust : You can have all the psychologists in the world diagnose you with some sort of something, but all that will do is give you something to go on. You have to have told them the complete truth and told them everything before they can come to any conclusion
VampireÐust : I can only write the jist of what I want to say, its hard to explain what I am trying to get at.
kamikazedreamer : i am protective, obsessive, bitchy to bitches, fearful, anything else?
VampireÐust : Brandon put me in a philosophical mood tonight.
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : I'm just obsessive and need attention...
VampireÐust : curious, caring, loveable, a bit modest
VampireÐust : etc. etc.
kamikazedreamer : i don't see good in me. i'm arrogant and get away with murder according to family
kamikazedreamer : and mom thinks i'm going insane
kamikazedreamer : said so to me
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : Dont listen to your family
kamikazedreamer : not planning to
kamikazedreamer : but it hurts
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : if they cant compliment you then their insults mean nothing
kamikazedreamer : "I'm afraid of you going insane."
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : just remember that
kamikazedreamer : they do, though, mom said something.
kamikazedreamer : complimenting me while saying i was arrogant
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : bah...
VampireÐust : Thats just a twisty play on words Becca.
VampireÐust : What she is trying to say is she loves you and wants the best for you but she is really worried.
VampireÐust : She doesn't actually think you are going to go insane, she just thinks you are weird, over the top, and possibly need to have someone to talk to.
kamikazedreamer : she;s preppy and afraid of me sitting in the dark, talking to myself, playing music
VampireÐust : She is losing her little girl, whether she likes it or not, and there is nothing she can do about it, so she is trying everything she can to keep the old you.
VampireÐust : Love, it has nothing to do with her being preppy. Though I am sure she is afraid for you sitting in the dark talk to yourself and playing music.
kamikazedreamer : too much imagination. i can't type it, so i'll keep it in my mind
kamikazedreamer : she said the preppy quote
VampireÐust : I mean my mum tells me all the time she doent think that that is good for me, listening to depressing music and sitting in the dark. But if thats the mood Im in I say let it work its way through until I see the sunshine again.
kamikazedreamer : 3 hour fight a few days ago. good thing to say.
VampireÐust : Yes but she was just using the as a metaphor to what she really means. Its a means of hiding the truth and making it easier to say. Some people find it hard to just come out and say damn it rebecca I am worried for you and I feel like I am losing my
VampireÐust : little girl.
The chat's topic has changed to: Starshine, never gunna find me...
VampireÐust : Do you see where I am coming from hun?
VampireÐust : Is this helping any at all?
kamikazedreamer : yes, it is. you are going to do well in the future
VampireÐust : Oh and do either of you mind if I post this conversation on my blog? Or is this too personal a thing?
VampireÐust : Thank you. But I wasnt really thinking about my future, I am just triyng to help you.
ØяεøIммøя†α£ shrugs
kamikazedreamer : not at all
VampireÐust : I mean once the conversation is done and all. Though I suppose I should have asked that after we were finished, that way none of your answers will be fiddled with just in case.
kamikazedreamer : go ahead!
VampireÐust : Thank you.
VampireÐust : And Im going to take Pauls as an iffy right now.
kamikazedreamer : i spill my soul on mine, so it's okay...
VampireÐust : I wont until I get a yes or no love. I dont want to dive into anything too personal.
VampireÐust : So Becca do you feel any different or better, reasured or anything?
kamikazedreamer : i do. it describes her side a bit, i think
VampireÐust : And your welcome love.
VampireÐust : Paul do you mind if I post the previous conversation, or should I take out anything you said? Unless you dont mind
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : its fine


And that was as psychological as I got with them tonight, for I am oh so tired.
Goodnight dear Bloggy.