It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

Currently Listening To: Led Zeppelin- Fool In The Rain


I asked my Dad to get my prescriptions from the drug store tonight. I knew that because I had turned eighteen I wouldn't be on my Dads drug plan anymore. But I hadn't expected my prescriptions to cost so goddam much. They've always only cost me 2$ per prescription. Turns out my lower dose of pills cost me $83.76/month, and the larger dosage of pills costs me $160.98/month... It makes me want to puke! That together could be the cost of my rent if Kelly and I share an apartment next school year! $244.74! I want to cry. These pills have been the only ones that have kept my depression at bay. How can I afford to go to university next year, let alone have somewhere to live, if I am paying over two hundred dollars a month to the government for my drugs?? Doesn't anyone realize that in order for me to get anywhere, and be able to function in life, I need to be taking these stupid things? I've not taken them now for almost an entire week, since last Saturday, and today at work I couldn't handle the amount of people screwing up orders, I couldn't handle having to tell people that their pizza wasn't even made yet, after they had waited an hour already. You could say I had a minor breakdown.

Pat drove me home from work tonight, after I had worked a spilt shift from 12 till 8pm. We talked a lot about her friend who had committed suicide. About her son who's in grade 4 and already talking about committing suicide. We talked about how Dad and her met, through Kinark, and how Dad talked to her about Ryan. I confessed that I had had one unsuccessful attempt already, and how I have been on anti-depressants since I was 11 years old. So I can relate to her youngest son. She told me that when her Dad was dying he said something to her that really hit her hard. He said that he had it easy. That he was going to be dying, and leaving behind his hurt, the pain that everyone is going through, and that he was leaving behind all his worries on everyone else's shoulders. Pat said that it's so profound and true.

We also talked about how we felt after the loss of someone to suicide. How her best friend since she was 12 years old had tried committing suicide twice, and been unsuccessful. When she visited him in the hospital she told him that if he was ever down, and ever felt that there was no hope, to call her. She even gave him both her cell and home phone numbers. Finally after a few months had passed she got a call saying that he had died after a successful attempt. She felt so angry at him for leaving her behind. Leaving her to bear the weight of the hurt. Angry at him for causing so much pain on everyone that he left behind. I told her I completely understood. After Ryan died I was angry with him. At how selfish he had been, killing himself and taking the easy way out. Pat said something funny, cause I'd thought it many times before. How if he was standing right in front of me, I wouldn't know what to do, slap him, or hug him. Indeed I still feel like crying, but much better now that I talked with Pat.

I'd never really confided in Pat before, or ever thought of her as someone that I could be close with. But after we had been sitting in my drive way talking for awhile, she gave me her cell and her home phone number, said that if I ever needed somewhere to crash, or if I was stuck somewhere, I could call her 24/7 and she'd be there for me. Can you believe it? She's almost a stranger to me, and yet she told me I was beautiful and that I have so much good in me inside and out. She can see how good a person I am, and that I have so much potential to make in life, if only I break away from the fog and heavy grey clouds, and see the sunshine. She said that one day, I will indeed break away from the clouds, and it will hit me that life is worth living.

(Here's something to make you laugh: I was performing the spell check, and when it came upon Kinark, it gave sinners as the very first replacement word....Cute).