I just don't understand...Its not one big fairy tale after all...This is reality.

What a way to finish off the weekend, and bring the christmas spirit about. Do you ever get the feeling that a part of you is missing? You are feeling so guilty for not having enough money to give your baby what he needs. You cant stop crying and it feels as if you never will. The one who you have taken care of, and who's taken care of you is sick and needs you, but there is nothing you can do. So you watch him lay there, under your bed, hidden because he is in pain and doesn't want to be disturbed. You can see his paw sticking out, and you want to lift him into your arms and hug him until he cant take it anymore and licks your face. You watch when he walks, how he drags his leg behind him, his paw gone cold, his stubborness showing through as he wont just lay down and rest. I guess cats are like that, stubborn I mean. 13 years old he turned this month. My baby, my child, the only one that Ive ever fully given my heart to. I thought he was immortal, never ending. He was a God in my eyes. And now I cant help him when he needs me most. Instead I have to take him to the vet to be put down. You know that even though he is right across the room from you, purring, breathing deeply in a half sleep, soon he will be gone and you'll be lonely and empty. That there will be no turning back, because there was no preventing what was to happen. You know that the world has come to an end.

Running under cover of the moonlight

Lord I've been busy. Not necessarily busy with work or anything, mostly just busy with The Unloved and school. The Unloved is coming along good, and I've had a few positive comments about how it's starting to look more and more like the old Unloved every day. Participation is a biggy, in the old Unloved there were so many people involved in the forum that talked at least once everyday that it was interesting enough to keep people coming back. But right now we only have approx. 11 members compaired to our old 80 or so.

I still can't believe MSN just up and deleted the old Unloved on us. How aweful is that? Just randomly one day I went to check up on it, and it said that the page could not be found. So of course Paul sends a letter to MSN asking about what could have happened. Their letter back read something along the lines of an automated message that told us that unless the manager deleted it, even accidentaly, there is no way MSN deleted it and its deleted for good. Okay, great, so all of our work, photos, pictures, poetry, short stories... Gone down the toilet. Thanks MSN we love you too!

This is an image that Paul uploaded to The Unloved's front page, thanking Bill Gates for all he has done for us and our beloved community, which really was our world. Guess we'll just have to work long and hard to make the new one just as good.

In loving memory of the origional group and the joy it brought us all.

You know you are sexualy frustrated when you dream about masturbating because you havent been able to do it in so long. One is supposed to be able to be stress free enough to be able to masturbate at least once a week, for boys once a day. But I suppose that would account for my lack of anything sexual in months. And it is sad when you are refering to masturbating as something sexual, when normaly when you say 'something sexual' you mean with another person. I think I've gotten to the level of frustration where its making me angry. (And Ive gotten to the point where I dont care about writing it on my blog where I know people I see everyday will read it). Oi.

Sometimes you just want to escape and have a little fun with your life right? So you play the game of Nightmare your mom brings home from a party she went to, because they didnt have enough time to play it. You sit down with your little brother, his friend, and your mom to play this at 12am in your living room. Yeah, you guessed it, that was me about an hour ago. Oh and who won? Exactly... Me! Mhmm and I was Countess Elizabeth Bathory, one of my favourite people to read and learn about. The game has her wrong though because they refer to her as a vampire, when she was proven not to be one. But oh well, thats not even why I brought this up. I think it was to show you how sad I am, but it turned into a post about.... How I have forgotten the main point. *scratches head*

Peace

Stairway to Heaven

Woohoo I just got off of the phone with Paul. I dont think he realizes how much it means to me when he calls. He has the greatest voice ever, his accent is just so damn cute. He suggeted we somehow build a tunnel from his house to mine, and vice versa. How great of an idea is that?! And he said then we need to get fast cars. Now that I think of it, we could build a halfway spot and things would happen that arent rated PG13. *coughs* So whad'ya think Paul? Is it a plan?

Ahhh such a good song, Stairway to Heaven. I love Led Zepplin. Kashmir is my next favourite song by Zepplin.

Well I had quite the interesting night last night.... Brynn, Jimmy, Chelsea and I all walked to my house after school and we hung out in my room making a poster, researching, and listening to music. We went shopping for boxes at wal-mart where Jimmy works, but before that we went to No Frills and their selection sucked so bad so I stopped in the bulk food store and bought some beer nuts and caramilk chews. My room is covered in beer nuts now.

We had to build a chariot for history class and thats why everyone needed to come over to my house. We gathered here, but it wasnt until like 8 that we got started on the chariot itself. Went out for a bit of late shopping cause we forgot to buy duct tape. Whats a chariot without duct tape?? We built it out of a rolely thingy, cardboard and duct tape. Oh yeah, be proud. And then I wake up this afternoon to find that it had rained all night and morning and its soaked. I just hope that it isnt worthless now.

(Finaly posted this like hours after I wrote it...)

Becca cannot squash us, we will start a revolution of our own! Viva la squirrel!

Wow this morning has been interesting, and full of love. Amanda hugged me millions and millions of times. She cannot believe I am writing about this either. Shes also surprised that I am still wearing the ring she gave me. Not sure if I am supposed to just hold it for awhile or if I am keeping it. *shrugs*

So the past two mornings now have been fun. Waking up dizzy, sick to my stomach and shaky. I dont understand it. Becca seems to think it's either morning sickness, diabetes which she knows nothing about, or a heart attack. Kinda weird, but I am pretty sure I am not having a heart attack.

I am going to go to the cafetorium to eat breakfast, considering its 8:30am. Growl. Amanda is coming with me. And shes offering me PVC. Of course I am going to take it.

We have a little SMSS idol thing going on today. (SMSS= st. marys secondary school) Oh yes, now you know. God Im so out of it. Oh yeah, need to talk about the idol thing. Okay so groups of people in our school sign up and sing or do band stuff. You know what I mean. Not really exciting. Some people sing, some play an instrument. Yep. Thats our idol thing.

Going to get food now. MMMMmfood.

I can see you understand. I can tell that you're the same.

Alright, alright I give up. I have been avoiding you. But it's not my fault you're always here, waiting for me every day. Hoping that I have some big exciting story to write down for the viewers to read. Why is my day supposed to be better than everyone else's? Tell me how it's suppose to be so entertaining. You're the one that looks pretty. I'm the one behind it all, fiddling with the dirty details, fixing you when you screw up. You're the face that everyone see's. I'm the whore who does your bidding.

Theres a certain satisfaction, in a little bit of pain.

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	40% When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself	65%
Shamelessness	57.1% It takes a couple of drinks	79.3%
Sex Drive	55.3% A fool for love, but not always	77.7%
Straightness	8.9% Knows the other body type like a map	45%
Gayness	83.9% Repressed, are we?	83.3%
Fucking Sick	69.9% Dipped into depravity	89.9%
You are 51.66% pure Average Score: 72.6%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

Once you put your hand in the flame, you can never be the same.

Your very intense about love. Love makes your world
spin, But you are very possessive and sexual
also. You like physical love just as much as
emotional love. Nothing wrong with that. But
remember the heart comes first when it comes to
love. And true love is hard to find.


What does love mean to you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Lord help me I know not what I do!

I am a Top-hat. I'm a bit of a jack-of-all-trades; creative, in a stylistic sort of way, a little vain, a little dark, perhaps a little archaic. I get on alright with people, but I can take them or leave them. What Sort of Hat Are You?

Crap I know its been since Saturday afternoon when I posted last, but I swear I ment to blog that night and last night. I guess its just that I forget, plus when I go to do it I get so fed up with my keyboard that I almost end up throwing it across the room.

I've really been stressing out for the past week on where the hell to go for university. Kelly wants me to go o Trent. I dont know what the program is like there so Im not so sure. I have to read up on that for now. I really want to go to Carelton or Ottawa U., because I know the programs there are so well known. Apparently there is a program at Brock Id like and at Guelph. Argh, I just dont know!

I cant believe its Monday morning already. I didnt go to school on Wednesday or Friday last week. Wednesday I had a damn good reason but on Friday I suppose I could have drugged myself up on codine and went anyways.

My friend Cody just told me that instead of doing this I should be at www.happytreefriends.com. Cute little fluffy stuffed animals die in the most brutal of ways. Apparently Mark Berg showed it to him on a weekend. Im so going there.

I wrapped Christmas presents for three hours last night. I hate wrapping Christmas presents. I always end up doing them every year. Stupid Christmas and its stupidness.

"The World's Worst Demon"

"To many people, Bath is still remembered as the place where a bloody school massacre occurred on a glorious spring day. A day when one man’s strange obsession was transformed into hate and hate transformed into murder. A day when the world went wrong and death fell upon the innocent. A day when Hell came to Bath." -Mark Gado

If you have never heard anything about Andrew Kehoe I suggest you go to this website and read about his insanity and mass killings at a school in 1927. It is a very sad story, if you are faint of heart I do not suggest this read.

Well now, that story, if you can believe it, has made my day. I absolutely love reading about serial killers, mass murderers, nurtorious murders...etc

What I was actualy planning on talking about has been lost from my memory. I have no idea what I was going to write about this afternoon. I guess thats what happens when you are constantly side tracked!

Lizzie Borden took an axe, And gave her mother forty whacks. And when she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one. -Lizzie Borden

"Thank god you're home." Said a very sleepy mother approx twenty minutes ago after she answered the door and let her daughter in from a night of dancing.

That was the scene that just happened here at my house. I had a great night and only just got home. Party hardy is the saying and so that is what I did. God I hate the feeling of sore knees and muscles after dancing and grinding like crazy, plus the ear ringing thing is so annoying. I feel like I have to talk really quietly now or I'm yelling. Plus, my throat is all scratchy! Oh I love this.

If you have ever been to a dance club, such as The Vibe where I went, you'd know what I'm talking about. I was so surprised when I handed the girl my twenty dollar bill and she gave my seventeen dollars back. Can you believe it was only three dollars to get in?! But yet it was also three dollars for a coat check, so Kelly, Hollie and I walked, no ran, back to the car to drop our shit off. Like hell we were paying that! Mind you we froze our asses off running back to go inside where it was warm. That'll teach us...Not really.

I'm so dumb because I forgot to close my window before I left to leave at about 11:30 and now its down right freezing in here! I'm going to have to crawl into super cold sheets with no ones warm body beside mine. How sad is that?

Well as you can imagine I'm slightly tired, and have a headache coming on from the cigarette smoke so I'm going to retire. I'm all snuggly in my pajamas and need sleep! Anyone care to join me and keep me warm?

“If thou art God, avenge thyself!” -The Marquis de Sade

Well I had a good time tonight. Came home with a migraine, Little Amanda's mum drove Chelsea and I, though I was certain she wasn't going to drive Chelsea cause she despises her greatly and even Amanda was uncertain about what her mum might think.

When we got home I found out Dad was leaving, Matthew was at his babysitting job, and Mom wouldn't be home until likely 10. So I had to cook supper, clean, look after the kids, clean again, and then put them to bed. Instead of what Chelsea and I had planned on doing, her coming home to do "research" on my computer, and I to sleep all drugged up on acetomitophine avec codeine and caffeine. So much for that idea.

So I decided to give myself a break and take Nathan up on his offer to hang out, and we had a little movie night with Him, Chelsea and I. Oh and sort of Paul as well, seeing as he called while we were watching May. Which by the way was worth the wait. It ended rather interestingly though, but I wont spoil it for you. I think I gave myself a bit of a treat tonight, even though I feel highly guilty for it because I have a few tests and assignments plus a bit of my ISU all for tomorrow. I am telling you, I'm on the ball. Sigh.

The most amazing soup ever has to be a tie between Campbells Cream Of Chicken and Cream of broccoli. I made cream of chicken tonight avec cheese and crackers. The kids thought it was great, as did Chels. She was a little hesitant to try it, but gave in in the end. Without much prompting though.

Oh and Kelly phoned me during supper time. It was pleasant to hear from her two days in a row. She chastised me again for not remembering the day of her birthday, but I am with Caitlin, it was a trick question. Though I do find it amusing that Hollie, her own sister, got the question of "How many siblings do I have?" wrong. We had a good chuckle over that one. Though mind you Hollie is like that sometimes, I really don't think she was paying much attention and she counted Kelly as a sibling to herself. Oh well.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed with school again. It seems to come in intervals. Its no fun. I have so many books I want to read on my spare time, but I really don't have much spare time. And when I take time to do something that's not school related I feel immense guilt. I suppose I have a right to feel guilty, because I really should be focusing on school, rather than reading, computer or movie nights. Especially on a school night, Im chastising myself as it is by no allowing myself to read before bed tonight. It is a small gesture, but one that I wish I did not have to do.

I wish I was born in England, or Ireland, from the 19th century. I can see myself wearing the corsets, big skirted dresses, feather in my hair or hat. It sounds like adventure and casual sex that I just couldn't pass up. Though I could not see myself as someone of lower class, I can however see myself as either nobility or just someone of high social standings. All the power and wealth one could want. Perhaps I was in a past life. Who can tell?

I wanted to say a big thank you to David Kilpatrick for being so kind to me after I pestered him so. He has written four books to his name, and a screen play that he just finished, if I'm correct. You can reach him at the No Respect? No Problem, link on my links page. He's a humorous, and interesting person. Send him an email, and if you are interesting enough, as I am sure I was, not being modest or anything, he will most likely respond. Also take a glance over his posts, and his works. His friend writes some nice things about him in one of the posts, though his friend seems a little odd and for the life of me I can't remember his name. David says I am a Gem. Maybe I am, maybe Im not, but thank you anyways David.

Considering I haven't been keeping a very consistent sleep schedule as of late, and tonight is no exception, I am going to be signing off now. And I leave thee with a Good Evening.

Ta Da!! "Hang my head, drown my fears, till you all just dissapear."

Aint I the most awesome person you've every met in your whole entire menial life?! I fixed my blog all by myself, and Im not telling you how either. =P

Sorry for a)not fixing the problem sooner, b)changing the few things that I did, c)calling your life menial, d)not posting properly and as often as I should.

And now that the apologies are over, Id like to say that I am enjoying life more and more lately. You'd really never have known it but I was, until lately, one of the most depressed people you'll ever meet. Though of course I used to keep the worst part of my depression inside myself, but its now almost entirely gone. I know it wont ever be completely gone, because thats close to impossible, but where I'm at right now I can live with. But enough talking about all this great new stuff thats been happening and on to the more depressing news.

Today is the 3rd anniversary of my little brother Ryan. He died in 2000 and its been three years now that we've been without him. Went up to my Grandmas with my family today for supper. Didnt go to school either, slept in until 2:30...went to bed at 11. A little too much sleep for Mandy again. Caused a stupid headache. And I didnt need that on top of everything. Grandma and Grandad live in Hastings, where we used to live, which is why we went up there to visit, cause Ryans buried there. Makes sense right? It's what we've done every year since. Went up there and visited the grave, which my other little brothers call "Ryans house," and then had supper. Its not normaly a happy time, but today everyone was kinda in good spirits, I guess it's been long enough for everyone so that it's settled in some. Sort of makes it easier to accept. Normaly I just push it to the back of my head, and there it stays. I know its not healthy, but I just havent had the time or will power to find a way to deal with it. But anyhow, today was okay overall.

Matthews been missing too much un needed school lately. He missed thursday, friday, monday morning and today. Hes only in grade nine and already off to a bad start. Hes just like I used to be. Missing school just for the heck of it, mostly because you're just too depressed to think about school. It really is stressful. I cant really remember most of my grade nine year. It could be because thats when Ryan died. Actualy that is why. I tried to block everything out of my mind that had to do with Ryans death, things associated with it and such. Guess Im just being an over protective older sister.

I taste like?

I taste like Bread. I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. What Flavour Are You?

Friday Five....On a Tuesday....>.<

1. Using one adjective, describe your current living space.
Loving

2. Using two adjectives, describe your current employer.
Funny, reliable

3. Using three adjectives, describe your favorite hobby/pasttime.
Comfortable, warm, elaborate

4. Using four adjectives, describe your typical day.
Stressfull, quick, hectic, silly

5. Using five adjectives, describe your ideal life.
relaxing, spontaneous, exciting, happy

0_o

A priest, a nun, a rabbi, a lawyer, and a doctor walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Sick of the tension, sick of the hunger

Klingon Translator Sought For Mental Health Patients

PORTLAND, Ore. - Star Trek fans fluent in Klingon take note — there's a job opening in Oregon for you.

The fictional language of the popular TV and movie science fiction series is one of about 55 languages needed by the office that treats mental health patients in metropolitan Multnomah County.

“We have to provide information in all the languages our clients speak,” said Jerry Jelusich, a procurement specialist for the county Department of Human Services, which serves about 60,000 mental health clients.

County research has shown that Klingon has gone from being a fictional tongue to what many people — and not just fans — consider a complete language, with its own grammar, syntax and vocabulary.

If a patient speaks only Klingon, the county is obligated to respond with a Klingon interpreter. So officials have decided to include it with about 55 languages, some of which, such as Russian and Vietnamese, are widely spoken, and some, such as Dari and Tongan, are seldom spoken.

The county's purchasing administrator, Franna Hathaway, greeted the request to include Klingon with skepticism.

But, she said, “There are some cases where we've had mental health patients where this was all they would speak.”

Just for Paul

Just for you love!

Lawyer Wants To Ban Oreo Cookies

SAN FRANCISCO - A San Francisco attorney wants to outlaw the sale of Oreo cookies to children — because they contain something called trans fat.

It's the trans fat that makes the cookie crisp and the cream filling creamy.

And that's just the problem, according to lawyer Stephen Joseph. He sued last week in Marin County Superior Court after reading about the dangers of trans fat in newspaper stories.

The suit asks the court to order Kraft Foods, the parent of cookie maker Nabisco, to stop selling Oreos to California's children because they are made with the fat.

The fat is in about 40 percent of the food on grocery shelves. A branch of the National Academy of Sciences said last summer that trans fat is directly tied to heart disease and artery-clogging cholesterol.

Nabisco officials have 30 days from the May 5th filing date to respond.

'Tis the season to be Jolly!

Oh yes, its here, stupid winter. I hate the cold so much! But to get into the spirit of christmas I found this wonderful online snowflake making website! Its the cutest thing ever. And if you save your snowflake it goes into the gallery. Some of the people look like they have spent waaay too much time working on perfecting their snowflakes. Mine should be there too. I signed it Mandy Sharp(Yes thats my name). Make your own!

Oh joy oh bliss, its Monday. A whole week ahead of me. I hope I dont get sick from my flu shot that I went and got today. I know I need to be all healthy and stuff, and need a record of whether Ive gotten my flu shots over the past years or not. So there ya go. Im going to be healthy and imune and stuff. >.<

The Spider

The spider spins her web of hate, evil
that lurks around the corner, every waking hour
spent weaving and weaving, dew
drops cling to the threads and glisten, in
light catches the silver strands, as she makes her
way towards the center, her dinner set before her
she touches its cheek lovingly, her venom piercing
its shell, its lifeforce, wrapped in a cocoon of love
and soft silky string, weaved to perfection
a slow death, but in the end it is worth it for her, she
takes good care of her lunch, carefuly draining its essence
taking it into herself, fullfilling her deepest darkest needs
its her desire for this life blood that drives her urges
to do it again and again, starving for it, hungering for it.
She becomes one with it.
~*~

Silent Genocide

lives will be lost, and children will die.
but in response our nation does nothing but lie.
a silent genocide with a country at stake,
how many more innocent lives will we take.
Until we realise who exactly is to blame,
should we bomb ourselves for the economic senctions that we've made?
stripping them of essentials and their primary basic needs,
just to get to one man and we wonder who's destroying the peace.

and this counties indigence, is no fault but out own
and the people are dying, to see one man overthrown

it wasnt how many bombs we dropped it was the places we targeted
their healthcare, their water, their power their food,...
their livelyhood.
stripping them of essentials and their primary basic needs,
just to get to one man and we wonder who's destroying the peace.

and this countries indigence, is no fault but our own
and the people are dying, to see one man overthrown
and the media spins us, a tangled web of lies
while we search for the truth
another child dies.

another child dies, adds to your death toll,
how many more, children must die
another child dies adds to your death toll,
how many more, bodies will lie
another child dies adds to your death toll,
how many more, children must die
another child dies adds to your death toll,
how long until......
we take away they're lives

"see, the truth is, you could slit my throat and with one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt"

Oh my gods, is one supposed to be up this early and not be able to sleep on a Saturday night? Its a damn good thing I dont have school today or else I wouldnt be able to go. I guess its okay that Im up right now, cause I have been sleeping since probably 4pm yesterday. I had the worst migraine in a long time. Had to have Matthew come down and get me an ice pack, and some pills. Also I was using Becca's eye pillow. It smells so good, its filled with herbs. I think that helped a lot too.

Friday Chelsea and I went home with Becca on her bus and we had a little movie night at her house. I am damn sure that that contributed towards at least three quaters of my headache yesterday. I think we rented seven movies in total, and when I say we I really me mean me cause apparently Becca had no money and I had to use my bank card. It ends up we spent, and when I say we I mean I, 26$ just on movies! And I didnt even end up watching them all. But Becca gets to keep them at her house, thus making it so she gets to finish watching them.

Im so upset that the movie May didnt work on her DVD player. Im pretty sure it her DVD player needs to be cleaned, cause almost every DVD that we watched skipped at one point or another. Of course Chelsea had to put her two cents worth in and say "See, now thats why I talked my Mum out of getting a DVD player and why I like video tapes instead." Yeah well dont you just hate everything thats been upgraded and new. God! But anyways, I was so upset that May didnt work cause it looks like the coolest movie so far! I wanted to cry when they decided to give up on it and put Blood The Last Vampire on instead. *shudders*

Im so sick and tired of Anime that I want to go and kill all the stupid Japanese film makers of Anime. Strangle them and watch their eyes bludge. I hate Yugioh, gundam wing, card captors, didgmon...etc. GOD! Its so dumb and immature. I mean they are cartoons, how can someone get so obsessed with them that they go on the computer specificaly just to look up Anime porn or pictures of guy on guy? You know you are sad and have no life when it comes down to that. There is so much guy Anime saved on my computer because of You Know Who, and I want to erase it again so bad! But Im not a bitch and Im most likely going to erase it at one point or another.

Oh and Im in a bitchy mood right now. Not to mention lonely. Oh my gosh I feel so lonely right now! Ive just finished reading Pauls blog and it makes me sad... I should be sleeping right now and Im not. Its too early in the morning for this shit. I woke up at like 4am and Im not sure what to do with myself! Hence me choosing the sleepy face. I like reading Paul's blog and his poetry. His poetry is so well done and gets its point across, but I dont think he realizes that! I want to hug him and hold him until he feels better.

Im cold. Its cold in my room. I need to put a sweater on or something, rather than wearing my pj's. I should also be sleeping, not to forget mentioning. But Im not, and it makes me sad. Im whining again. This post is likely going to be all my whining and complaining... But I just need to get it out of my system.

Christ my keyboard is just getting slowly worse and worse. It started out that it only beeped when you hit the space bar. Then it got to when you hit the up arrow and the right arrow keys. Then it was when you held down control and another key. And now its gotten to the point where if you hit the shift key it beeps as well! I think Im going to cry... And its not like its a quiet beep! Im scared that everyone can hear it upstairs right now and Ive woken everyone up. Even though I dont think thats possible considering my room is insulated, but there are vents! Oi...

For some reason my stomache feels sick... Its like it knows Im not supposed to be up right now, and I shouldnt be on the computer where my eyes feel as though they are glued. The screen is so bright... I wish web sites would use darker colours for people like me. I guess you could say I have always had sensitive eyes, but when its 5 in the morning, they are even more so!

I was just thinking, there are likely so many people that are on the internet right now because of the time differences! Hey now thats neat. The people from the UK and Australia and stuff. Awesome. I checked the unloved to see if Liam had posted yet today, but he hasnt. I guess its not late enough for him yet. Hes from Australia. I thought it would have been cool for him to actualy talk to someone during his time, rather than having to wait until the people in the past (us) have posted a reply or not.

Im sad cause my two peircings in my cartilage on my right ear got infected and I had to take the earings out. They sort of grew growths and little amanda got rid of them for me. I asked her not to, cause I had gotten rid of the one before, and it just came back. But I think that that was because I left the earings in, and this time I took them out completely. I dont know why she felt as though she needed to clean them, I told her not to. It was weird cause whenever someone does things like that for me, it makes me feel as though I cant do it for myself, and that upsets me. I dont like to feel helpless and incompetent. I dont ever want people to see me as helpless or stupid, because I know I am not and that I am perfectly capable of doing anything I put my towards doing.

Another thing that really upsets me. Whenever Chelsea feels as though she can comment on my "incapabilaties". She seems to think she knows me so well, so she can comment on how I wouldnt be able to do something just because Im Mandy. I can even use an example. Today when we were at Beccas I almost got to the point where I was going to tell her off and I think she noticed. But I didnt think that it was the time nor the place to tell her off about it. Becca mentioned that Chelsea and I should take the matress back upstairs and she was going to go upstairs and clean the mess they made in her room up. So thats cool and okay, and I turn to my pillow on the couch where I am sitting and move it out of the way, etc. I go to move the coffee table thing a little so I can see if there is anything underneath it, and Chelsea says "You cant move that into the middle of the room yet until the matress is moved out of the way, obviously" Oh god when she does things like that it pisses me off so much. that sonly just one of the little things shes commented on. So I turn to her and I say, "You know, you really are captain obvious." And oh man did I want to keep going. Of course she agreed with me because she didnt think that I ment it in a bad way. Then she says, "well I always have to be captain obvious around you because otherwise you know you wouldnt be capabale of understanding what it is..." Or something to that effect anyways. Grrrr I anted to just yell at her and finaly tell her what I really think of her and how I feel about her coming over to my house souly to use my computer, and how I looked at her when she was over at Beccas Friday night, sitting on the floor using her laptop, when we were all supposed to be watching movies together, not talking to our boyfriend who lives a freaking country away. Sometimes I just want to knock sense into her, and tell her how everyone feels about her. I looked at her using Beccas computer, and my exact thoughts were, "Wow, shes gotten to the point where shes using Beccas computer now for the exact reason again." Then Saturday morning I go to have a shower, and Chelsea and becca go into Beccas mom and dads room to watch freaking Yugioh. Chelsea seems to think she is making me watch the opening sequence for some odd reason, and Becca pouts and tries to drag me in there. Of course I tell her I dont like it and have better things to do with my time. At that point, again, I just wanted to go in there and tell them exactly what I thought, a little piece of my mind so to speak.

I feel so bad for you having to read all about my complaints and whining. So Im going to leave you with a quizilla result:


you're XhardcoreX!


How can I label you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Oh and this was the best result to get. At least Im not the Avril Lavigne wanna be!

Yours Truly

Wow, one would have thought differently in my case!

Seventh Level of Hell

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell. The violent, the assasins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides- stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgement, their bodies will hang from their branches. In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Okay this was just too weird that this was my result!

You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.

"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."

Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian).
The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.

As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

In the deepest part of my mind, where nightmares come true. Its dark in here, and I'm all alone...

Your soul is bound to the Glass Rose: The
Fragile.

"My heart lies somewhere between perfection
and dust. And while my soul is a sight to
behold, I shatter at the blink of an
eye."

The Glass Rose is associated with perfection,
beauty, and frailty. It is governed by the
goddess Aphrodite and its sign is the Looking
Glass, or Tenuous Love.

As a Glass Rose, you have a beautiful soul and
naturally attract people to you. Love comes
naturally to you, but it hardly ever lasts.
Though you embody the perfect form of love,
your own faults are your own undoing.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

The great art of life is the sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.

And so I sit here, after Chelsea has left again tonight, sipping a cup of jumbleberry tea and listening to a burned mix C.D. that little Amanda gave to me last night. Is it wierd that if I don't talk to Paul before I go to bed at night I feel as if I am missing something? Am I letting him take over my thoughts again? Do I even care?

I guess there comes a point in a persons life where they have to start sticking up for themselves. Where do you draw the line at friendship or being walked all over? Should I be letting Chelsea come over after shes finished staying after school using their computers, only to use my computer? Not to mention she spends the time looking up Gundam or Yugioh porn, talking on MSN, or cybering with Damian. The only time she would pay attention to me during this time would be to show me a picture she has found, or laugh about something funny someone said. Should I be letting this bother me? My Mother says that she hates it when Chelsea comes over and just sits using my computer. Am I letting her walk all over me? Should I tell her if she wants to come over its not going to be just to use my computer?

I heard a really cool song today, Ive heard it before, but I just realized how much I enjoy it. Its the song that starts off the Stigmata movie, where they say "Hail Mary Full Of Grace...etc" It has the greatest beat and the girls voice is just awesome. Im thinking about DLing it onto my computer. And for those of you who are confused, I have the song on the burned CD that little Amanda made for me. I guess since my keyboard has gone and turned against me, Ive been listening to CD's a lot more lately. Usualy I just DL a song and listen to it from my computer, but its very hard to listen to anything when its being cut off by an annoying beep everytime you press the spacebar.

Okay so I have to write a 1000 word essay on Chanrithy Him for Philosophy class. Only one problem, I have to pick out of 6 questions, only 1! How am I supposed to extend my answer to reach 1000 words and put it in essay format? (Oh and it was due yesterday too) Oh god, Im so aweful.

Finished my tea now. It was damn good. I missed the coffee house today cause I didnt go to school. The stupid power went out because of the rain and apparently I woke up at 11:30am. Oops? Well its not like it was my fault! I dont have a clock in my head that wakes me up when its time to go to school. Im one of thoes people whos body sleeps until it doesnt need anymore sleep, but is able to force herself back to sleep for long periods of time. Such as what I did on Tuesday. Got home from school at about 3pm and slept from then on until 6:30 the next morning. Of course there were a few interuptions in between; people asking me if I wanted supper, children yelling, doors slamming, toilet flushing...etc. But I still managed to sleep until it was time for school the next day. Sometimes I think the reason I get so many headaches is because of my sleep schedule. Its so off! And usualy the only way I can get to sleep in the first place is if I have taken my anti-depressants around 5:30. Approximately supper time, otherwise Im not tired at a decent time.

ENIGMA

The Dream Of The Dolphin
(David Fairstein)

In every colour there's the light.
In every stone sleeps a crystal.
Remember the Shaman, when he used to say:
"Man is the dream of the dolphin".

"What Matrix Persona Are You?"

You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

We are starstuff. We are the Universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out.

You know Im starting to enjoy Mondays, well school for that matter, even more so lately. I suppose its because of the anti-depressants. My outlook on life is so much more positive. My thoughts are even different. No longer as dark, but just as deep and confusing. I guess thats just me though. They can't change what really is me, and what isnt the chemical emballence.

This morning was very hectic! Chelsea and I dropped off the donuts and bagels I bought from Tim hortons last night in Dwyers class room, filled the tea pot up, carted it all the way from the office back out to the damn portables, then set everything we had out nice and neat on the table. Dwyer gave us a 5 and asked us to get some more coffee from the grocery store, and friggen hell it was a good thing we were going there anyways or else I would have told him to drive us there then! When we got to the grocery store we bought some apples, bananas, cookies, tea, juice, milk... paid for it and then scooted over to Tim hortons for some choco milk. Glancing at the clock I tell Chelsea is about 8:15, no biggy right? Class doesnt start until twenty to. Wrong! We forgot the damn coffee! So we trek our asses back to the store and grab the damn coffee.... God I hate coffee for so many reasons!

Anyways, the coffee house went better than I thought it would. Mostly discussion, a bit of presentation on our part. At least we half knew what we were talking about. The class seemed to like our idea of discussion, but not the whole sitting on the floor with pillows and blankets idea. As far as I was concerned that was one of the best parts about what we did. Drank tea, ate cookies and snuggled with pillows and blankets.

Oh and for the past two days Ive been sewing bottons on my pair of white flair jeans. It looks so damn neat! So far I have a row around the bottom of each pantleg, two big huge buttons on each back pocket, and Ive started around the seam of one of the front pockets. I want the whole entire pair of jeans to eventualy be convered in buttons. Itd be wicked cool for the fashion show. Sweet.

Ive been talking to Paul and Damian again all night tonight. This time it was Damian who had to leave first. Wanted to go and watch Hulk. I was going to tell him that it was as good as it was all hyped up to be, but decided against it. He can watch it and see for himself. Its really confusing at first. Sorta weird, but I guess they thought it would make people watch it more closely to try and figure it out. Personaly I wasnt in the mood to be figuring out movies, so I just sorta sat through it until it finaly came together and began to make sense. When Im tired and just want to watch a cute movie, I dont want to have to think. Plus it hardly had any humor in it. I think Ill just stick with The Matrix and X-Men.

We have a few new members to the unloved. Its cool that a couple of them I actualy know are are from my school. Now there are a bunch of people whom I know personaly on there. God Im in love with my site. It doesnt seem like its been up and running for as long as it has. I think it has to be over a year now. I dontk now the exact date, or I would have kept it for an anniversary or something. Oh wells. What can ya do now.

I think Im in love, but its hard to tell when the person lives so fara way from you and you havent even met them in person yet. How can you tell? You know you feel strongly for them, but I dont even know what romantic love is anymore. Its been thrown and tossed around with me a lot so I cant tell anymore. I used to think I knew. When I was with Brian my mom told me I was head over heels in love with him. I never got to that point with John, and its hard to tell with Paul because I havent met him in person.

Oh man all my blogs have been about relationships and luvy duvy shit lately! Im so sorry to bore you all with my rants. I really dont have much else to say for tonight as it is. So Im going to leave it at that.

Signing off,
Yours Truly

In the end, she was as helpless as a butterfly on the point of a pin...

Wow, wasnt today the most interesting day of my life. Slept until approx. 1:30 this afternoon. God I swear sleeping all day makes your weekend shorter, and gives you a headache(might I add).

And Im not sure but I think I may be enjoying codine a little more than I should be. Took three because I had a headache this afternoon, then when I was at Tim Hortons this evening with Chelsea, Naomi, and Jenn I took another three. Not sure why I took those other three though. It was almost compulsive.

I really have to go pee, but Im way to lazy to go all the way up the stairs right now. I feel more compelled to write in my blog. Is that a bad thing?

Ive just finished talking with Damian and Paul on the unloved chat. Paul had to go in the middle of it though, very dissapointing. Then I felt bad when I told Damian I had to go as well because its after 12am. He teased me for going to bed at 12. Guess Im known for going to bed late and sleeping the day away.

You know I really could become used to sleeping all day and being up all night. But eventualy it would get boring because hardly anyone has that sort of lifestyle. I wouldnt be able to find anyone to do anything with. And spending time alone in the woods, or on the computer all night every night just wouldnt be fun after awhile. Oh well, whats one to do.

I was re-reading some stories at doublemoon today. Its the site that started me writing erotic short stories. I think back now and cant believe that I read every one of the stories on that site in less than a week. I think this must have been either last year or the year before that... Oh well the point is I think I must have been addicted to it. And now that I re-look and re-read over some of the stuff, I can see why. It sort of gets my flair for writing back. Plus its a real turn-on.

It upsets me that I feel guilty for a lot of things. I was just reading Pauls blog, and he listed a few things that upsets him. When I think about it, there are quite a few things that I feel guilty for, and most of them are things I do all the time. Most of my guilt is directed at my Mum. I feel guilty for staying up late when she told me to go to bed at an earlier time. I feel guilty when I lie to her, or stretch the truth a little. I feel guilty when I do something that I used to have to ask her to do, but now dont. I feel guilty when I want to go out and hang with my friends. I feel guilty when I need to be driven somewhere, because I dont have my own car...etc. I mean I could go on forever here. Plus there are still other people I feel guilt because of. Is it normal to feel so much guilt because of one person? Who knows.

Im frustrated because of the dossage of pills Im on. Ive never had to take anything so high of a dose. Whats 75 plus 37.5? Whatever it is thats what dossage of effexor Im on, and even though it makes my moods much better, and my thinking so much more positive... it still upsets me that it takes so much just to make be this much better.

Im staring at the 12 bagels and 43 timbits, (because Chelsea ate 2 of them), that are sitting on my floor not far from arms reach. Im so hungry... But I bought them at Tim Hortons so I can have something to feed my class tomorrow for our group project we are doing in Philosophy class. We have to hold a discussion coffee house and talk about Laissez-Faire philosophy. I mean who really cares about that philosophy? Its so damned confusing. None of our group members understands it completely. How are we supposed to discuss something we know hardly anything about? We're going to just throw some discussion topics at everyone and ask them what they think about Laissez-Faire. And I guess whether or not they understand it completely, or what they do understand at least.

I think Im supposed to be tired right now, considering its already tomorrow... But Im not, Im actualy really jittery, and still have to pee. And Im only wearing half of my pjs, Im still in the process of changing into them, and Ive been going since I started writing... Oh man thats sad. Shows you how damn lazy I am. Oh well, who cares. As long as you dont and I dont, then thats all that matters, right?

Im frustrated right now because Im so horny and have no one here to help me do something about it. I havent had anyone to help me do something about it for a long time now. I hate sexual frustration. Some people dont mind being alone during masterbation or any other type of sexual pleasure, but I enjoy at least someone watching. I cant wait until Paul comes down...

Well, I should be signing off now, must come up with a few discussion topics and possibly start reading about the philosopher I have to learn all about by January.

Yours Truly

Evanescence
Haunted

long lost words whisper slowly to me
still can't find what keeps me here
when all this time i've been so hollow inside
i know you're still there

watching me wanting me
i can feel you pull me down
fearing you loving you
i won't let you pull me down

hunting you i can smell you - alive
your heart pounding in my head

watching me wanting me
i can feel you pull me down
saving me raping me
watching me...

New Guestbook *sign it*

All because of Paul, the wonderful, amazing guy in my life, I now have a Guestbook for you exciting people to view and sign. (But the only way it will be cool, is if you actualy sign it... Plus if you dont then there is nothing to view, now is there?) I enjoy funny comments, criticism, rants, or even some luvy duvy shit. *shrugs* Whatever you feel comfortable doing. Im game.

*Mummbles somewhat*
Its been a long couple of stressful weeks. Family life has kinda been tense, school has been hectic, so many assignment due at once, presentations, essay...etc. Not to mention our debate in Classics class that was so much fun! It was so stressful preparing for this goddamn class, hours of research and study. In my group I was the one who had to cross examine another groups historian. Oh man did I ever suck, we were pressed for time, plus I say "uh" and "uhm" every two seconds! Anyways, Chelsea was cross examined by our wonderful teacher Mr. ODwyer, so she got shot down big time. He wouldnt even let her finish talking, he stated what he had to say and sat down! Basicaly its like, Bam, this is what I have to say, you suck, done now. *Merg*

My mom just got home from taking Matthew and his friend Matt to the clinic cause apparently he had to get X-rays on his wrist, its all broken and stuff. I cant believe how different guys are compaired to girls in that way. Ive never broken a bone by being an ass and showing off with my friends. Yet every guy at least one time has broken or fractured something or other! I shake my head at boys.

Mom wants her computer back now, so I bid thee a goodnight! Gotta steal mine back from Chelsea now. Going to watch a movie soon. (Faith from Buffy stars in it and its apparently new) =^.^= Meow.

Mandy

Good morning everybody. Its 8:15 and Im already up. Can you believe they make us get up this early? (Well I actualy did get up around 6:45) And I would be at school.

Becca says goodmorning everyone. ^.^

*yawns* Its still way too early here. And no crazy ass dreams last night so we are in the clear. (that I can remember anyways) Ill most likely figure it out later, or it'll hit me and come to me at around 11 at night. Oi....

Well thats all for this morning...
Cheers!

*Stretches And Yawns*

Okay, so I'm just sitting here waiting for Paul to come into the Unloved Chat. Chelsea has just left, shes been here since we got home from school and I didnt get to go on the computer once. *pouts* Kinda frustrates me.
I cleaned my room finaly today. The last time I cleaned it was so long ago that I found stuff on my floor from the assignment Chelsea and I did about The Odyssey. Oh boy, Im such a slob, and I really dont care. (Only reason why I did end up cleaning it was because apparently Chelsea said it smelled when she came in, and not long after that my mom popped her head in and suggested it would be a good idea to clean it again) I mean I dont even remember the last time I vacuumed it.

I had the most crazy ass dream last night, and its only just coming back to me now. (And no Im not quoting that dumb song.)
Okay so the dream goes:
Im shopping at somewhere like No Frills or Loblas or something and I see a man show one of the people that work there food that has gone mouldy. Next thing I know the store is shutting itself down because the food is mouldy, and they think they wont get any business or something. My mom is outside waiting for me, and Im pushing my cart around, filling it with food that Im planning on stealing and not paying for. My only problem is how do I get out of the store when there are people at each door who make sure your food is in bags at least to show that you have paid. So I go up to the counter and only pay for a few things, but ask for a whole shit load of bags. I bag my food and make my way out, or at least try, but somehow I end up back at the start of the store where I was when my dream started. (Yes most of my dreams have something to do with frustration.) There is a man there who is eating a sandwhich which is from a plastic container that he must have bought in a small sandwhich shop cause there is a piece of fruit in the container, and bcause I am the boss of my dreams so I just know. So anyways, he leaves half of the sandwhich behind, and me being me eats it, but the fruit it mouldy(yuck) so I dont eat that. The dream is all confusing and stuff, and Im having trouble leaving the store to get to my mom with all of the food, which is so on sale that its almost free, yet I want to steal it anyways, I have a feeling that in my dream I am very poor. Im not sure whether or not I get out of the sore with any food, cause I wake up.... 0.0
Oh Im an odd one when it comes to dreams. I mean who else has sexual dreams about their very large, by very humorous teacher?? Hes not even sexualy attractive, in any way except his youthful blue eyes. (And no that comment was not made because I find myself sexualy attracted to him.) Ugh.

Wow, I was sitting here thinking today, and Ive realized I hate commitment. I hate the feeling of being tied down, and I get tired and bored of the same person after a certain period of time. Even though at the time I tell myself, and believe that I could spend the rest of my life with that person. Im so confused when it comes to relationships. I have such bad luck with them. Why cant I find someone who doesnt want me because of my looks, or want me just to fuck? Why cant I find someone who doesnt want to marry me, nor spend the rest of his life with me? Why cant I find someone who cares about me, and doesnt obsessive over me, by hanging all over me and telling me he loves me 24/7, asking me to marry him? Im so sick and tired of guys, that Im almost at the point where I want to swear them off completely. And Im not joking. But Im also not hinting that I want to become gay, because that will never happen. Im very career oriented, I need to find someone who understands that Im not going to always be there, and that I am focussed on becoming successful.
Im also someone who likes flings. I hate the same guy all the damn time. Sometimes I just want to get out and have a good time for a weekend, or even just a night. Still be friends with the person afterwards of course, or possibly have another fling with them, but Im not so sure that at this point in my life I am ready for anything serious at all. Im only 17, soon to be 18. And just because I am 18 doesnt mean I am ready for anything serious, all of a sudden.
Im not so sure why I started ranting on about that, maybe its because I felt that I needed to get it off of my chest.

Personality Disorder Test Results

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||| 54% Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 62% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 66% Antisocial |||||||||||| 50% Borderline |||||||||||||||| 62% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 62% Narcissistic |||||||||||||||| 66% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 62% Dependent |||||||||||||| 58% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 38%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test

Personality Test

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||| 38% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||| 70% Type 3 Ambition |||||||||||||| 54% Type 4 Sensitivity |||||||||||||||| 70% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||| 54% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 74% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||| 30% Type 8 Hostility |||||||||| 38% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||| 46% Your Conscious-Surface type is 6w5 Your Unconscious-Overall type is 4w3

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Which rock personality disorder (from the Zoloft commercial) should you have?

You are the depressed rock!


::Which rock personality disorder (from the Zoloft commercial) should you have? (Results contain pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Party Weekend

Oh man did mandy ever have fun this past weekend. I went up to Kellys rez in peterborough and drank and danced and had so much fun. Apparently when I am drunk I am a completely flirt. I almost went into another room with a guy and made out with him...Think the only thing that stopped me was that I wasnt quite drunk enough yet.
A lot of the guys in rez do drugs. A few of them do really hard drugs too. I was talking to one of the guys and he wouldnt let me in his room where him and his friend were. The door was locked and I thought they were just chillin' or something. Not sure, I was drunk so Im not sure what I was thinking. I knew I wanted in really badly though. So I kept knocking on the door until they came out. The guy I knew stayed behind and he finaly told me what they were doing. They did cocaine and they wouldnt let me come in cause they didnt want me involved in that shit. I felt bad that they had to resort to doing that, and that being drunk wasnt good enough. But I stood there staring at him, and he at I and his eyes were so blue and I thought he was going to kiss me so I turned away. Im not sure what made me turn away... Other than a certain someone and not being drunk enough.
I tooka bunch of pictures from the party, and for those of you who are on my comm, they will hopefuly be up soon enough. If they arent, then you can spank me. Cause I know my dads password on his computer now, so I think its safe to say screw him and his not letting me on to upload my pictures. Plus now I can do it by myself and that way put more interesting pictures up and then delete them so he doesnt know. There are a few pictures of us all drunk and stuff. Its actualy pretty funny. Go digital cameras.
Once again Im going to cut this one off here. Thats my party weekend. Went shopping, spent my time at rez with my bestest friend ever Kelly, and then drove home in the pouring rain. Wicked.