I just don't understand...Its not one big fairy tale after all...This is reality.

What a way to finish off the weekend, and bring the christmas spirit about. Do you ever get the feeling that a part of you is missing? You are feeling so guilty for not having enough money to give your baby what he needs. You cant stop crying and it feels as if you never will. The one who you have taken care of, and who's taken care of you is sick and needs you, but there is nothing you can do. So you watch him lay there, under your bed, hidden because he is in pain and doesn't want to be disturbed. You can see his paw sticking out, and you want to lift him into your arms and hug him until he cant take it anymore and licks your face. You watch when he walks, how he drags his leg behind him, his paw gone cold, his stubborness showing through as he wont just lay down and rest. I guess cats are like that, stubborn I mean. 13 years old he turned this month. My baby, my child, the only one that Ive ever fully given my heart to. I thought he was immortal, never ending. He was a God in my eyes. And now I cant help him when he needs me most. Instead I have to take him to the vet to be put down. You know that even though he is right across the room from you, purring, breathing deeply in a half sleep, soon he will be gone and you'll be lonely and empty. That there will be no turning back, because there was no preventing what was to happen. You know that the world has come to an end.

Running under cover of the moonlight

Lord I've been busy. Not necessarily busy with work or anything, mostly just busy with The Unloved and school. The Unloved is coming along good, and I've had a few positive comments about how it's starting to look more and more like the old Unloved every day. Participation is a biggy, in the old Unloved there were so many people involved in the forum that talked at least once everyday that it was interesting enough to keep people coming back. But right now we only have approx. 11 members compaired to our old 80 or so.

I still can't believe MSN just up and deleted the old Unloved on us. How aweful is that? Just randomly one day I went to check up on it, and it said that the page could not be found. So of course Paul sends a letter to MSN asking about what could have happened. Their letter back read something along the lines of an automated message that told us that unless the manager deleted it, even accidentaly, there is no way MSN deleted it and its deleted for good. Okay, great, so all of our work, photos, pictures, poetry, short stories... Gone down the toilet. Thanks MSN we love you too!

This is an image that Paul uploaded to The Unloved's front page, thanking Bill Gates for all he has done for us and our beloved community, which really was our world. Guess we'll just have to work long and hard to make the new one just as good.

In loving memory of the origional group and the joy it brought us all.

You know you are sexualy frustrated when you dream about masturbating because you havent been able to do it in so long. One is supposed to be able to be stress free enough to be able to masturbate at least once a week, for boys once a day. But I suppose that would account for my lack of anything sexual in months. And it is sad when you are refering to masturbating as something sexual, when normaly when you say 'something sexual' you mean with another person. I think I've gotten to the level of frustration where its making me angry. (And Ive gotten to the point where I dont care about writing it on my blog where I know people I see everyday will read it). Oi.

Sometimes you just want to escape and have a little fun with your life right? So you play the game of Nightmare your mom brings home from a party she went to, because they didnt have enough time to play it. You sit down with your little brother, his friend, and your mom to play this at 12am in your living room. Yeah, you guessed it, that was me about an hour ago. Oh and who won? Exactly... Me! Mhmm and I was Countess Elizabeth Bathory, one of my favourite people to read and learn about. The game has her wrong though because they refer to her as a vampire, when she was proven not to be one. But oh well, thats not even why I brought this up. I think it was to show you how sad I am, but it turned into a post about.... How I have forgotten the main point. *scratches head*

Peace

Stairway to Heaven

Woohoo I just got off of the phone with Paul. I dont think he realizes how much it means to me when he calls. He has the greatest voice ever, his accent is just so damn cute. He suggeted we somehow build a tunnel from his house to mine, and vice versa. How great of an idea is that?! And he said then we need to get fast cars. Now that I think of it, we could build a halfway spot and things would happen that arent rated PG13. *coughs* So whad'ya think Paul? Is it a plan?

Ahhh such a good song, Stairway to Heaven. I love Led Zepplin. Kashmir is my next favourite song by Zepplin.

Well I had quite the interesting night last night.... Brynn, Jimmy, Chelsea and I all walked to my house after school and we hung out in my room making a poster, researching, and listening to music. We went shopping for boxes at wal-mart where Jimmy works, but before that we went to No Frills and their selection sucked so bad so I stopped in the bulk food store and bought some beer nuts and caramilk chews. My room is covered in beer nuts now.

We had to build a chariot for history class and thats why everyone needed to come over to my house. We gathered here, but it wasnt until like 8 that we got started on the chariot itself. Went out for a bit of late shopping cause we forgot to buy duct tape. Whats a chariot without duct tape?? We built it out of a rolely thingy, cardboard and duct tape. Oh yeah, be proud. And then I wake up this afternoon to find that it had rained all night and morning and its soaked. I just hope that it isnt worthless now.

(Finaly posted this like hours after I wrote it...)

Becca cannot squash us, we will start a revolution of our own! Viva la squirrel!

Wow this morning has been interesting, and full of love. Amanda hugged me millions and millions of times. She cannot believe I am writing about this either. Shes also surprised that I am still wearing the ring she gave me. Not sure if I am supposed to just hold it for awhile or if I am keeping it. *shrugs*

So the past two mornings now have been fun. Waking up dizzy, sick to my stomach and shaky. I dont understand it. Becca seems to think it's either morning sickness, diabetes which she knows nothing about, or a heart attack. Kinda weird, but I am pretty sure I am not having a heart attack.

I am going to go to the cafetorium to eat breakfast, considering its 8:30am. Growl. Amanda is coming with me. And shes offering me PVC. Of course I am going to take it.

We have a little SMSS idol thing going on today. (SMSS= st. marys secondary school) Oh yes, now you know. God Im so out of it. Oh yeah, need to talk about the idol thing. Okay so groups of people in our school sign up and sing or do band stuff. You know what I mean. Not really exciting. Some people sing, some play an instrument. Yep. Thats our idol thing.

Going to get food now. MMMMmfood.

I can see you understand. I can tell that you're the same.

Alright, alright I give up. I have been avoiding you. But it's not my fault you're always here, waiting for me every day. Hoping that I have some big exciting story to write down for the viewers to read. Why is my day supposed to be better than everyone else's? Tell me how it's suppose to be so entertaining. You're the one that looks pretty. I'm the one behind it all, fiddling with the dirty details, fixing you when you screw up. You're the face that everyone see's. I'm the whore who does your bidding.

Theres a certain satisfaction, in a little bit of pain.

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	40% When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself	65%
Shamelessness	57.1% It takes a couple of drinks	79.3%
Sex Drive	55.3% A fool for love, but not always	77.7%
Straightness	8.9% Knows the other body type like a map	45%
Gayness	83.9% Repressed, are we?	83.3%
Fucking Sick	69.9% Dipped into depravity	89.9%
You are 51.66% pure Average Score: 72.6%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

Once you put your hand in the flame, you can never be the same.

Your very intense about love. Love makes your world
spin, But you are very possessive and sexual
also. You like physical love just as much as
emotional love. Nothing wrong with that. But
remember the heart comes first when it comes to
love. And true love is hard to find.


What does love mean to you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Lord help me I know not what I do!

I am a Top-hat. I'm a bit of a jack-of-all-trades; creative, in a stylistic sort of way, a little vain, a little dark, perhaps a little archaic. I get on alright with people, but I can take them or leave them. What Sort of Hat Are You?

Crap I know its been since Saturday afternoon when I posted last, but I swear I ment to blog that night and last night. I guess its just that I forget, plus when I go to do it I get so fed up with my keyboard that I almost end up throwing it across the room.

I've really been stressing out for the past week on where the hell to go for university. Kelly wants me to go o Trent. I dont know what the program is like there so Im not so sure. I have to read up on that for now. I really want to go to Carelton or Ottawa U., because I know the programs there are so well known. Apparently there is a program at Brock Id like and at Guelph. Argh, I just dont know!

I cant believe its Monday morning already. I didnt go to school on Wednesday or Friday last week. Wednesday I had a damn good reason but on Friday I suppose I could have drugged myself up on codine and went anyways.

My friend Cody just told me that instead of doing this I should be at www.happytreefriends.com. Cute little fluffy stuffed animals die in the most brutal of ways. Apparently Mark Berg showed it to him on a weekend. Im so going there.

I wrapped Christmas presents for three hours last night. I hate wrapping Christmas presents. I always end up doing them every year. Stupid Christmas and its stupidness.

"The World's Worst Demon"

"To many people, Bath is still remembered as the place where a bloody school massacre occurred on a glorious spring day. A day when one man’s strange obsession was transformed into hate and hate transformed into murder. A day when the world went wrong and death fell upon the innocent. A day when Hell came to Bath." -Mark Gado

If you have never heard anything about Andrew Kehoe I suggest you go to this website and read about his insanity and mass killings at a school in 1927. It is a very sad story, if you are faint of heart I do not suggest this read.

Well now, that story, if you can believe it, has made my day. I absolutely love reading about serial killers, mass murderers, nurtorious murders...etc

What I was actualy planning on talking about has been lost from my memory. I have no idea what I was going to write about this afternoon. I guess thats what happens when you are constantly side tracked!

Lizzie Borden took an axe, And gave her mother forty whacks. And when she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one. -Lizzie Borden

"Thank god you're home." Said a very sleepy mother approx twenty minutes ago after she answered the door and let her daughter in from a night of dancing.

That was the scene that just happened here at my house. I had a great night and only just got home. Party hardy is the saying and so that is what I did. God I hate the feeling of sore knees and muscles after dancing and grinding like crazy, plus the ear ringing thing is so annoying. I feel like I have to talk really quietly now or I'm yelling. Plus, my throat is all scratchy! Oh I love this.

If you have ever been to a dance club, such as The Vibe where I went, you'd know what I'm talking about. I was so surprised when I handed the girl my twenty dollar bill and she gave my seventeen dollars back. Can you believe it was only three dollars to get in?! But yet it was also three dollars for a coat check, so Kelly, Hollie and I walked, no ran, back to the car to drop our shit off. Like hell we were paying that! Mind you we froze our asses off running back to go inside where it was warm. That'll teach us...Not really.

I'm so dumb because I forgot to close my window before I left to leave at about 11:30 and now its down right freezing in here! I'm going to have to crawl into super cold sheets with no ones warm body beside mine. How sad is that?

Well as you can imagine I'm slightly tired, and have a headache coming on from the cigarette smoke so I'm going to retire. I'm all snuggly in my pajamas and need sleep! Anyone care to join me and keep me warm?

“If thou art God, avenge thyself!” -The Marquis de Sade

Well I had a good time tonight. Came home with a migraine, Little Amanda's mum drove Chelsea and I, though I was certain she wasn't going to drive Chelsea cause she despises her greatly and even Amanda was uncertain about what her mum might think.

When we got home I found out Dad was leaving, Matthew was at his babysitting job, and Mom wouldn't be home until likely 10. So I had to cook supper, clean, look after the kids, clean again, and then put them to bed. Instead of what Chelsea and I had planned on doing, her coming home to do "research" on my computer, and I to sleep all drugged up on acetomitophine avec codeine and caffeine. So much for that idea.

So I decided to give myself a break and take Nathan up on his offer to hang out, and we had a little movie night with Him, Chelsea and I. Oh and sort of Paul as well, seeing as he called while we were watching May. Which by the way was worth the wait. It ended rather interestingly though, but I wont spoil it for you. I think I gave myself a bit of a treat tonight, even though I feel highly guilty for it because I have a few tests and assignments plus a bit of my ISU all for tomorrow. I am telling you, I'm on the ball. Sigh.

The most amazing soup ever has to be a tie between Campbells Cream Of Chicken and Cream of broccoli. I made cream of chicken tonight avec cheese and crackers. The kids thought it was great, as did Chels. She was a little hesitant to try it, but gave in in the end. Without much prompting though.

Oh and Kelly phoned me during supper time. It was pleasant to hear from her two days in a row. She chastised me again for not remembering the day of her birthday, but I am with Caitlin, it was a trick question. Though I do find it amusing that Hollie, her own sister, got the question of "How many siblings do I have?" wrong. We had a good chuckle over that one. Though mind you Hollie is like that sometimes, I really don't think she was paying much attention and she counted Kelly as a sibling to herself. Oh well.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed with school again. It seems to come in intervals. Its no fun. I have so many books I want to read on my spare time, but I really don't have much spare time. And when I take time to do something that's not school related I feel immense guilt. I suppose I have a right to feel guilty, because I really should be focusing on school, rather than reading, computer or movie nights. Especially on a school night, Im chastising myself as it is by no allowing myself to read before bed tonight. It is a small gesture, but one that I wish I did not have to do.

I wish I was born in England, or Ireland, from the 19th century. I can see myself wearing the corsets, big skirted dresses, feather in my hair or hat. It sounds like adventure and casual sex that I just couldn't pass up. Though I could not see myself as someone of lower class, I can however see myself as either nobility or just someone of high social standings. All the power and wealth one could want. Perhaps I was in a past life. Who can tell?

I wanted to say a big thank you to David Kilpatrick for being so kind to me after I pestered him so. He has written four books to his name, and a screen play that he just finished, if I'm correct. You can reach him at the No Respect? No Problem, link on my links page. He's a humorous, and interesting person. Send him an email, and if you are interesting enough, as I am sure I was, not being modest or anything, he will most likely respond. Also take a glance over his posts, and his works. His friend writes some nice things about him in one of the posts, though his friend seems a little odd and for the life of me I can't remember his name. David says I am a Gem. Maybe I am, maybe Im not, but thank you anyways David.

Considering I haven't been keeping a very consistent sleep schedule as of late, and tonight is no exception, I am going to be signing off now. And I leave thee with a Good Evening.

Ta Da!! "Hang my head, drown my fears, till you all just dissapear."

Aint I the most awesome person you've every met in your whole entire menial life?! I fixed my blog all by myself, and Im not telling you how either. =P

Sorry for a)not fixing the problem sooner, b)changing the few things that I did, c)calling your life menial, d)not posting properly and as often as I should.

And now that the apologies are over, Id like to say that I am enjoying life more and more lately. You'd really never have known it but I was, until lately, one of the most depressed people you'll ever meet. Though of course I used to keep the worst part of my depression inside myself, but its now almost entirely gone. I know it wont ever be completely gone, because thats close to impossible, but where I'm at right now I can live with. But enough talking about all this great new stuff thats been happening and on to the more depressing news.

Today is the 3rd anniversary of my little brother Ryan. He died in 2000 and its been three years now that we've been without him. Went up to my Grandmas with my family today for supper. Didnt go to school either, slept in until 2:30...went to bed at 11. A little too much sleep for Mandy again. Caused a stupid headache. And I didnt need that on top of everything. Grandma and Grandad live in Hastings, where we used to live, which is why we went up there to visit, cause Ryans buried there. Makes sense right? It's what we've done every year since. Went up there and visited the grave, which my other little brothers call "Ryans house," and then had supper. Its not normaly a happy time, but today everyone was kinda in good spirits, I guess it's been long enough for everyone so that it's settled in some. Sort of makes it easier to accept. Normaly I just push it to the back of my head, and there it stays. I know its not healthy, but I just havent had the time or will power to find a way to deal with it. But anyhow, today was okay overall.

Matthews been missing too much un needed school lately. He missed thursday, friday, monday morning and today. Hes only in grade nine and already off to a bad start. Hes just like I used to be. Missing school just for the heck of it, mostly because you're just too depressed to think about school. It really is stressful. I cant really remember most of my grade nine year. It could be because thats when Ryan died. Actualy that is why. I tried to block everything out of my mind that had to do with Ryans death, things associated with it and such. Guess Im just being an over protective older sister.

I taste like?

I taste like Bread. I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. What Flavour Are You?

Friday Five....On a Tuesday....>.<

1. Using one adjective, describe your current living space.
Loving

2. Using two adjectives, describe your current employer.
Funny, reliable

3. Using three adjectives, describe your favorite hobby/pasttime.
Comfortable, warm, elaborate

4. Using four adjectives, describe your typical day.
Stressfull, quick, hectic, silly

5. Using five adjectives, describe your ideal life.
relaxing, spontaneous, exciting, happy

0_o

A priest, a nun, a rabbi, a lawyer, and a doctor walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Sick of the tension, sick of the hunger

Klingon Translator Sought For Mental Health Patients

PORTLAND, Ore. - Star Trek fans fluent in Klingon take note — there's a job opening in Oregon for you.

The fictional language of the popular TV and movie science fiction series is one of about 55 languages needed by the office that treats mental health patients in metropolitan Multnomah County.

“We have to provide information in all the languages our clients speak,” said Jerry Jelusich, a procurement specialist for the county Department of Human Services, which serves about 60,000 mental health clients.

County research has shown that Klingon has gone from being a fictional tongue to what many people — and not just fans — consider a complete language, with its own grammar, syntax and vocabulary.

If a patient speaks only Klingon, the county is obligated to respond with a Klingon interpreter. So officials have decided to include it with about 55 languages, some of which, such as Russian and Vietnamese, are widely spoken, and some, such as Dari and Tongan, are seldom spoken.

The county's purchasing administrator, Franna Hathaway, greeted the request to include Klingon with skepticism.

But, she said, “There are some cases where we've had mental health patients where this was all they would speak.”

Just for Paul

Just for you love!

Lawyer Wants To Ban Oreo Cookies

SAN FRANCISCO - A San Francisco attorney wants to outlaw the sale of Oreo cookies to children — because they contain something called trans fat.

It's the trans fat that makes the cookie crisp and the cream filling creamy.

And that's just the problem, according to lawyer Stephen Joseph. He sued last week in Marin County Superior Court after reading about the dangers of trans fat in newspaper stories.

The suit asks the court to order Kraft Foods, the parent of cookie maker Nabisco, to stop selling Oreos to California's children because they are made with the fat.

The fat is in about 40 percent of the food on grocery shelves. A branch of the National Academy of Sciences said last summer that trans fat is directly tied to heart disease and artery-clogging cholesterol.

Nabisco officials have 30 days from the May 5th filing date to respond.

'Tis the season to be Jolly!

Oh yes, its here, stupid winter. I hate the cold so much! But to get into the spirit of christmas I found this wonderful online snowflake making website! Its the cutest thing ever. And if you save your snowflake it goes into the gallery. Some of the people look like they have spent waaay too much time working on perfecting their snowflakes. Mine should be there too. I signed it Mandy Sharp(Yes thats my name). Make your own!

Oh joy oh bliss, its Monday. A whole week ahead of me. I hope I dont get sick from my flu shot that I went and got today. I know I need to be all healthy and stuff, and need a record of whether Ive gotten my flu shots over the past years or not. So there ya go. Im going to be healthy and imune and stuff. >.<

The Spider

The spider spins her web of hate, evil
that lurks around the corner, every waking hour
spent weaving and weaving, dew
drops cling to the threads and glisten, in
light catches the silver strands, as she makes her
way towards the center, her dinner set before her
she touches its cheek lovingly, her venom piercing
its shell, its lifeforce, wrapped in a cocoon of love
and soft silky string, weaved to perfection
a slow death, but in the end it is worth it for her, she
takes good care of her lunch, carefuly draining its essence
taking it into herself, fullfilling her deepest darkest needs
its her desire for this life blood that drives her urges
to do it again and again, starving for it, hungering for it.
She becomes one with it.
~*~