Currently Listening To: Our Lady Peace- Not Enough
There’s nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There’s nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
There’s nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place
When they say
You’re not that strong
You’re not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you’re well
There’s nothing left to prove
There's nothing I won’t do
There’s nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here
When they say
You’re not that strong
You’re not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you’re well
What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you got
What you love
What you need
What you have is real
It's not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough, I'm sorry
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough...
When they say
You’re not that strong
You’re not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you’re well
It’s not enough
No
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Riding on My Carousel
Currently Listening To:Finger Eleven- Sad Exchange
Do I blame it all on hormones, or do I accept that my emotions are going to be like this for the rest of my life because I am a woman? I'm telling you now, if this is going to be the way I am for the rest of my days, I'm going to be the one to invent a safe mood altering drug that you can take once and be fixed for life. None of this waking up feeling uneasy, and slowly throughout the day turning into a "burn-out" as Brandon put it this evening. Apparently I looked like a burnt out hippy. Go me? Oh boy.
Kelly and I worked out our quarrel. I'm so worn out emotionally from this past few weeks, that I'm showing it physically. I'm just luck I'm fairly able to keep up with school. I'm pushing myself harder this semester. A 76% grade average is not acceptable to me. I'm sorry, but that isn't going to get me into the top spot for University. Unacceptable I say.
I'm so tired, I feel like I could collapse where I am, but I know I still have to get some hours into my sketchbook for art class, on top of try reading some more of my book for English class. It's actually a pretty damn good book. It's called The Wars, by Timothy Findley. I have to recommend it to anyone who likes a good war story. Nothing bloody and gory, mostly just straight facts and a truth thats brutal for a piece of fiction. Not so sure this paragraph was supposed to turn into an add for my English book, but hey, why not right?
I swear I could sit and stare at this screen for hours. Not reading the words. Not even coherently taking in anything except maybe the music in the background as I zone out.
My face won't seem to relax. The muscles in my forehead seem to want to stay crinkled up in a frown, and my eyes are so tired they are drooping all over the place yet, still at the same time, tense. My mood ring says I am blue. I suppose that could either mean I'm feeling really hot, or my curculation is bad again. Likely the hot part, cause only my feet are cold right now (which isn't a rare occurance). I freeze so easily. I tell everyone I am allergic to the cold.
I think it's out of stress and just plain emotional drain, but I've been biting my nails a lot more lately. And it's not as if I didn't bite them a lot before either. It's gotten to the point where, I mentioned this this morning to Kelly when we woke up, I feel like I am preforming Chinese nail torture to myself, and shoving things underneath my nails. I don't even realize I bite them most of the time. It'll be when I'm watching a movie, or reading. The only times I totally catch myself, are when I am doing something productive with my hands, such as typing, or drawing, that way I have to stop what I am doing in order to bite. Then I can catch myself, and either give in, or stop. It all depends on my mood, which's been pretty shitty lately.
Anyways, my arms are fairly tired, so I'll give them a rest and lay down for a little while. Then get started on my art. Blessings and my love.
Do I blame it all on hormones, or do I accept that my emotions are going to be like this for the rest of my life because I am a woman? I'm telling you now, if this is going to be the way I am for the rest of my days, I'm going to be the one to invent a safe mood altering drug that you can take once and be fixed for life. None of this waking up feeling uneasy, and slowly throughout the day turning into a "burn-out" as Brandon put it this evening. Apparently I looked like a burnt out hippy. Go me? Oh boy.
Kelly and I worked out our quarrel. I'm so worn out emotionally from this past few weeks, that I'm showing it physically. I'm just luck I'm fairly able to keep up with school. I'm pushing myself harder this semester. A 76% grade average is not acceptable to me. I'm sorry, but that isn't going to get me into the top spot for University. Unacceptable I say.
I'm so tired, I feel like I could collapse where I am, but I know I still have to get some hours into my sketchbook for art class, on top of try reading some more of my book for English class. It's actually a pretty damn good book. It's called The Wars, by Timothy Findley. I have to recommend it to anyone who likes a good war story. Nothing bloody and gory, mostly just straight facts and a truth thats brutal for a piece of fiction. Not so sure this paragraph was supposed to turn into an add for my English book, but hey, why not right?
I swear I could sit and stare at this screen for hours. Not reading the words. Not even coherently taking in anything except maybe the music in the background as I zone out.
My face won't seem to relax. The muscles in my forehead seem to want to stay crinkled up in a frown, and my eyes are so tired they are drooping all over the place yet, still at the same time, tense. My mood ring says I am blue. I suppose that could either mean I'm feeling really hot, or my curculation is bad again. Likely the hot part, cause only my feet are cold right now (which isn't a rare occurance). I freeze so easily. I tell everyone I am allergic to the cold.
I think it's out of stress and just plain emotional drain, but I've been biting my nails a lot more lately. And it's not as if I didn't bite them a lot before either. It's gotten to the point where, I mentioned this this morning to Kelly when we woke up, I feel like I am preforming Chinese nail torture to myself, and shoving things underneath my nails. I don't even realize I bite them most of the time. It'll be when I'm watching a movie, or reading. The only times I totally catch myself, are when I am doing something productive with my hands, such as typing, or drawing, that way I have to stop what I am doing in order to bite. Then I can catch myself, and either give in, or stop. It all depends on my mood, which's been pretty shitty lately.
Anyways, my arms are fairly tired, so I'll give them a rest and lay down for a little while. Then get started on my art. Blessings and my love.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Reality check...
Currently Listening To:Bob Dylan- Like A Rolling Stone
Wow, has there ever been a point in your life where you feel like you are off to the sidelines, looking in on your life, and you can see all the stupid mistakes you have made? You feel like a complete asshole, and you wish you could turn back the clock and fix everything, but thats impossible, and it makes you want to cry?
That moment for me is right now, this very second, as I talk to Kelly. I feel like crying, but I can't, I havent been able to for a while now. I came close last night at the movies while watching Butterfly Effect for the second time, a few tears, but other than that nothing. I feel like a ball of emotions thats ready to explode at any moment. Sadness, regret, hate, sorrow, anger, frustration, hopelessness, self-loathing...
Is there a reason why I have to lie all the time to everyone that I care about, and hold so dear to me? Is there a reason why I find that I have to lie? Am I doing it to protect my friends, family, or am I doing it to protect myself? Do I do it so that I can paint a different life for myself, make others believe that I am someone different, so I am not disliked by anyone?
All I know is I have officially made a promise to never, ever lie again to anyone that I hold dear to me, and even to anyone in general. It hurts everyone. Its pointless, and shouldnt occur in the first place.
I've finaly now been able to cry. Freely, and does that help me think more clearly? Yes.
I mentioned turning back time, going back to before I began lying in the first place, knowing what I know now, to someone close to me, and they told me that turning back time is for people who make stupid mistakes. That hit hard, reality check, comepletely true. Im not as mature as I thought myself to be.
Ive done a lot of thinking about myself tonight. A lot of much needed soul searching. Im truly not the person I thought I was. I may have known deep inside that something was wrong, but tonight it has hit me hard. It hurts to know I hurt everyone around me. I want to change it all. And now it has to start from scratch again. Everything. Start myself over. New goals, new everything. I have faith that I can do it. I just may need some help along the way....
Wow, has there ever been a point in your life where you feel like you are off to the sidelines, looking in on your life, and you can see all the stupid mistakes you have made? You feel like a complete asshole, and you wish you could turn back the clock and fix everything, but thats impossible, and it makes you want to cry?
That moment for me is right now, this very second, as I talk to Kelly. I feel like crying, but I can't, I havent been able to for a while now. I came close last night at the movies while watching Butterfly Effect for the second time, a few tears, but other than that nothing. I feel like a ball of emotions thats ready to explode at any moment. Sadness, regret, hate, sorrow, anger, frustration, hopelessness, self-loathing...
Is there a reason why I have to lie all the time to everyone that I care about, and hold so dear to me? Is there a reason why I find that I have to lie? Am I doing it to protect my friends, family, or am I doing it to protect myself? Do I do it so that I can paint a different life for myself, make others believe that I am someone different, so I am not disliked by anyone?
All I know is I have officially made a promise to never, ever lie again to anyone that I hold dear to me, and even to anyone in general. It hurts everyone. Its pointless, and shouldnt occur in the first place.
I've finaly now been able to cry. Freely, and does that help me think more clearly? Yes.
I mentioned turning back time, going back to before I began lying in the first place, knowing what I know now, to someone close to me, and they told me that turning back time is for people who make stupid mistakes. That hit hard, reality check, comepletely true. Im not as mature as I thought myself to be.
Ive done a lot of thinking about myself tonight. A lot of much needed soul searching. Im truly not the person I thought I was. I may have known deep inside that something was wrong, but tonight it has hit me hard. It hurts to know I hurt everyone around me. I want to change it all. And now it has to start from scratch again. Everything. Start myself over. New goals, new everything. I have faith that I can do it. I just may need some help along the way....
Friday, February 13, 2004
Someday this place is gonna blow
Currently Listening To: Moist- Push
I was just flipping through my archives of a really long time ago, and found this poem. I thought it would be usefull to share with everyone. Hopefully you get something out of it.
The Undead
Richard Wilbur (1961)
Even as children they were late sleepers,
Preferring their dreams, even when quick with monsters,
To the world with all its breakable toys,
Its compacts with the dying;
From the stretched arms of withered trees
They turned, fearing contagion of the mortal,
And even under the plums of summer
Drifted like winter moons.
Secret, unfriendly, pale, possessed
Of the one wish, the thirst for mere survival,
They came, as all extremists do
In time, to a sort of grandeur:
Now, to their Balkan battlements
Above the vulgar town of their first lives,
They rise at the moon's rising. Strange
That their utter self-concern
Should, in the end, have left them selfless:
Mirrors fail to perceive them as they float
Through the great hall and up the staircase;
Nor are the cobwebs broken.
Into the pallid night emerging,
Wrapped in their flapping capes, routinely maddened
By a wolf's cry, they stand for a moment
Stoking the mind's eye
With lewd thoughts of the pressed flowers
And bric-a-brac of rooms with something to lose, -
Of love-dismembered dolls, and children
Buried in quilted sleep.
Then they are off in a negative frenzy,
Their black shapes cropped into sudden bats
That swarm, burst, and are gone. Thinking
Of a thrush cold in the leaves
Who has sung his few summers truly,
Or an old scholar resting his eyes at last,
We cannot be much impressed with vampires,
Colorful though they are;
Nevertheless, their pain is real,
And requires our pity. Think how sad it must be
To thirst always for a scorned elixir,
The salt quotidian blood
Which, if mistrusted, has no savor;
To prey on life forever and not possess it,
As rock-hollows, tide after tide,
Glassily strand the sea.
I was just flipping through my archives of a really long time ago, and found this poem. I thought it would be usefull to share with everyone. Hopefully you get something out of it.
The Undead
Richard Wilbur (1961)
Even as children they were late sleepers,
Preferring their dreams, even when quick with monsters,
To the world with all its breakable toys,
Its compacts with the dying;
From the stretched arms of withered trees
They turned, fearing contagion of the mortal,
And even under the plums of summer
Drifted like winter moons.
Secret, unfriendly, pale, possessed
Of the one wish, the thirst for mere survival,
They came, as all extremists do
In time, to a sort of grandeur:
Now, to their Balkan battlements
Above the vulgar town of their first lives,
They rise at the moon's rising. Strange
That their utter self-concern
Should, in the end, have left them selfless:
Mirrors fail to perceive them as they float
Through the great hall and up the staircase;
Nor are the cobwebs broken.
Into the pallid night emerging,
Wrapped in their flapping capes, routinely maddened
By a wolf's cry, they stand for a moment
Stoking the mind's eye
With lewd thoughts of the pressed flowers
And bric-a-brac of rooms with something to lose, -
Of love-dismembered dolls, and children
Buried in quilted sleep.
Then they are off in a negative frenzy,
Their black shapes cropped into sudden bats
That swarm, burst, and are gone. Thinking
Of a thrush cold in the leaves
Who has sung his few summers truly,
Or an old scholar resting his eyes at last,
We cannot be much impressed with vampires,
Colorful though they are;
Nevertheless, their pain is real,
And requires our pity. Think how sad it must be
To thirst always for a scorned elixir,
The salt quotidian blood
Which, if mistrusted, has no savor;
To prey on life forever and not possess it,
As rock-hollows, tide after tide,
Glassily strand the sea.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Why would you make it easier for me to satisfy, I'm on fire
Currently Listening To:Sex Pistols- My Way
I should update you on my birthday, which went swell, other than my friends leaving me on Thursday night. Brandons the only friend who came with us. Brynn, Chelsea and Kyle were supposed to come with my family for supper, and we were going to go to Casey's, cause I get free dinner on my birthday. We waited around until probably 6 o'clock for them, but I couldn't find them anywhere, only to go to Chelsea's house asking for them, to find that they had walked to the mall. I still don't get it. I guess it just wasn't very important. We had a good time anyways.
Casey's was too busy as it was, we waited there for awhile, but in the end I decided that we should just drive over to East Side Marios. It was pretty busy at East Sides as well, but we ended up finding some seats up by the bar. The food was great, it always is there, it's one of my favourite restaurants. I love Italian foods. After our meal was done, the waiters all came over and made me stand up on my bar stool so they could sing their rendition of happy birthday. It was great. And the piece of cake they brought out for me had oreo cookies on it, so I couldn't help thinking about Paul. It would have been cool for him to be there too. But living so far away poses a slight problem.
Before we went to the restaurant, thought, I opened my birthday gift from Mom. I got the leather jacket from Rickies that I wanted to buy so badly when we were winter jacket shopping before Christmas. It's too bad it wasn't a surprise like everyone thought it was going to be, considering Matt gave it away. Silly kid. Oh well, I always end up finding out about my presents at Christmas or my birthday somehow. I think the only big present that was ever a real surprise was this computer I got a few years back.
Anyways, then on Friday it turned out to be a snow day, happy birthday to Mandy! So I got to sleep in. That evening Kelly, Brandon and Nathan came over after I was finished work. It was a cool surprise get together. I was really disappointed in Chelsea for not coming though. Brynn and Kyle were supposed to come again too, but they told Kelly they were grounded. (Only for me to find out today from Kelly and The Unloved, that Chelsea, Brynn and Kyle all went downtown instead of come to my place). Did I do something wrong?
Kelly, Brandon, Nathan, Matthew and Mom all pitched in for my birthday present, which was the boots from Doc Martins that I wanted oh-so-badly! Every time I walked past the Doc store I basically creamed my pants while staring at them. And now I own them! I wish that had been a surprise too. Kelly told me she knew I knew, because I didn't act as surprised as I should have. Well that could be because when I was putting my new jacket on the night before, Daniel came running out with the Doc Martin box in his hand. So I pretended not to notice, completely fooling Mom into believing I didn't know. I don't like disappointing people. I like them to know they surprised me. I like to see the look on their faces.
Kelly, Nathan and Brandon ended up sleeping over. Poor Nathan though had a little fit over not being able to sleep in the same bed as Kelly. Apparently our pull out couch is really uncomfortable according to him (It really is). So he had a hissy and went upstairs and slept on the very comfortable couch in the living room instead. Brandon slept with me in my bed, and kelly slept on the mattress in the middle of my floor.
We stayed up so late that night though. We watched movies upstairs until probably about 2:30 or so, and then went downstairs and set the alarm for 4am when Brandon got home from work, went upstairs and waited for him. He still wasn't here at like half past four, so Kelly and Nathan set out to his house to find him, and ended up meeting him on their way back to my house after not finding his car at his house. Apparently he had driven someone home after work. That's cool, but we were kinda waiting for him! *shakes fist* When Brandon came back we watched the last movie I had rented, The Diary Of Ellen Rimbower, or however its spelt. It was pretty good. The prequal to Rose Red, by Steven King. So we didn't end up going to bed until 7am, only to be waken up two hours later by the kids running around upstairs. (Except Brandon and I ended up waking Kelly up because apparently our kissing was too loud. She described it as wet noises. Lol. I felt bad. She didnt want to make it obvious that we had woken her up, so she sort of stirred around and then stretched, giving us a clue. Oopsy?).
And now for yesterdays wonderfully depressing news. My Mom officially has lost all trust in me, and feels used by everyone in our family. Isn't that pleasant. On Friday night when everyone was over, I poured a shot of Whiskey into each mine and Kelly's drinks of Coke, and she saw, I hadn't asked, and it was her alcohol. I was obviously going to tell her that I had done it, but she was disappointed because I hadn't asked her first. Guess I should have, but I figured she wouldn't have minded. I was assuming again. Suppose I do that too often.
As for losing trust in me. That is again my fault. One Sunday night, when I was full aware there was school the next morning, I stayed at Brandons house until one in the morning. I had Brandon drive me home, and explained to my parents that we had fallen asleep. That wasn't quite what happened. I just didn't feel like going home. I didn't really have a reason, other than I wasn't looking forward to coming home that night, so I pro-longed the stay for as long as I possibly could before I guessed my parents would call the police. When I got home Dad informed me that he had just phoned Brandons house and got no answer. Its a good thing he hadn't woken up Brandons parents, they wouldn't have been too happy about that. Along with this story, because it does have a point, on Friday night Mom confronted Brandon about this. (Which I am not sure why, considering it was like 3 weeks ago, but apparently she still cared about the stupid incident). And even though I told Brandon not to say anything, he told mom that he had mentioned I should go home, after I told him I didn't have a curfew and not to worry about. That's completely true, but that just set my Mom off. Obviously I know not to do that sort of stuff around Brandon anymore.
So, again adding to Moms list of badness, on Saturday night, Kelly and Brandon were joking around with Mom and mentioned something that had to do with people (mainly Brandon) sneaking into my window at night. Now first of all this has never happened before, and I don't ever plan on it happening. But for some odd reason Mom took them seriously and believed what they said to be completely true. I have no idea why she would do this, when, according to Brandon and Kelly, it was made plainly obvious that they were joking and even laughing about it. (Oh and to clear something up, I was asleep at this time, and had fallen asleep at nine that evening, with Brandon showing up at eleven, so I wasn't there for this). When I informed Mom they were plainly joking she still didn't believe me, and said that they had gone with them joking because I had confronted them about it, because they had been serious in the first place. It got me so mad! So mad that I wrote both Brandon and Kelly an email explaining my anger and frustration at the whole situation of the sneaking in my bedroom window, the alcohol and the Sunday night at Brandons. I guess I had just had it. Now I'm not one to show my anger in any way, but I just couldn't take it anymore.
It felt really good writing the email. But not 5 minutes later Brandon phoned me to let me know it had all been a joke etc. And to tell me he was sorry. I softened at that point and wrote them both back an email apologizing for making it look like I was more angry than I really was etc. I truly did feel bad, but I was still angry, no matter what I said in the second letter.
Kelly phoned me last night and wanted to speak to Mom, who wasn't speaking to me, and still isn't. She was not pleased with Kelly phoning, I could definitely tell. She told Kelly that it was fine. But I know that to her it wasn't. Its hard for her, and its the same with me, to admit when she is wrong. I guess its the whole perfectionist thing again. I also think its a hereditary gene or something.
As for today, I didn't go to school this morning for a lot of different reasons. First of all it started with my having a headache, but I put an ice pack on my head and fell back to sleep. By later on it got to the point where I just didn't feel like getting out of bed, I was too damn stressed, depressed, sick and tired of everything. So I officially didn't get out of my bed after that until probably 4:30 this afternoon. Only because Mom sent Daniel downstairs to let me know I had to babysit them. The only thing she's said to me all day was make sure I don't take my eyes off of them, and then closed the door the front door on her way to work. It made me feel so good!...
Brandon came over at about six or so, and stayed with the kids and me and we watched And Now For Something Completely Different-Monty Python, and Me, Myself and Irene. At eight I put the kids to bed and after the movies were over I played Scoobie Doo on the playstation. Brandon had never seen it before, so I put it on. It only made me frustrated cause I had forgotten I was at a point where I was stuck and cant go any farther. I'm only 47% done the damn game. Its supposed to be a kids movie, but it really isn't.
Anyways, it is morning now, and I should be sleeping. But I know I'm only going to end up going and reading until I fall asleep. Goodnight my faithful readers. Sweet dreams to you all.
I should update you on my birthday, which went swell, other than my friends leaving me on Thursday night. Brandons the only friend who came with us. Brynn, Chelsea and Kyle were supposed to come with my family for supper, and we were going to go to Casey's, cause I get free dinner on my birthday. We waited around until probably 6 o'clock for them, but I couldn't find them anywhere, only to go to Chelsea's house asking for them, to find that they had walked to the mall. I still don't get it. I guess it just wasn't very important. We had a good time anyways.
Casey's was too busy as it was, we waited there for awhile, but in the end I decided that we should just drive over to East Side Marios. It was pretty busy at East Sides as well, but we ended up finding some seats up by the bar. The food was great, it always is there, it's one of my favourite restaurants. I love Italian foods. After our meal was done, the waiters all came over and made me stand up on my bar stool so they could sing their rendition of happy birthday. It was great. And the piece of cake they brought out for me had oreo cookies on it, so I couldn't help thinking about Paul. It would have been cool for him to be there too. But living so far away poses a slight problem.
Before we went to the restaurant, thought, I opened my birthday gift from Mom. I got the leather jacket from Rickies that I wanted to buy so badly when we were winter jacket shopping before Christmas. It's too bad it wasn't a surprise like everyone thought it was going to be, considering Matt gave it away. Silly kid. Oh well, I always end up finding out about my presents at Christmas or my birthday somehow. I think the only big present that was ever a real surprise was this computer I got a few years back.
Anyways, then on Friday it turned out to be a snow day, happy birthday to Mandy! So I got to sleep in. That evening Kelly, Brandon and Nathan came over after I was finished work. It was a cool surprise get together. I was really disappointed in Chelsea for not coming though. Brynn and Kyle were supposed to come again too, but they told Kelly they were grounded. (Only for me to find out today from Kelly and The Unloved, that Chelsea, Brynn and Kyle all went downtown instead of come to my place). Did I do something wrong?
Kelly, Brandon, Nathan, Matthew and Mom all pitched in for my birthday present, which was the boots from Doc Martins that I wanted oh-so-badly! Every time I walked past the Doc store I basically creamed my pants while staring at them. And now I own them! I wish that had been a surprise too. Kelly told me she knew I knew, because I didn't act as surprised as I should have. Well that could be because when I was putting my new jacket on the night before, Daniel came running out with the Doc Martin box in his hand. So I pretended not to notice, completely fooling Mom into believing I didn't know. I don't like disappointing people. I like them to know they surprised me. I like to see the look on their faces.
Kelly, Nathan and Brandon ended up sleeping over. Poor Nathan though had a little fit over not being able to sleep in the same bed as Kelly. Apparently our pull out couch is really uncomfortable according to him (It really is). So he had a hissy and went upstairs and slept on the very comfortable couch in the living room instead. Brandon slept with me in my bed, and kelly slept on the mattress in the middle of my floor.
We stayed up so late that night though. We watched movies upstairs until probably about 2:30 or so, and then went downstairs and set the alarm for 4am when Brandon got home from work, went upstairs and waited for him. He still wasn't here at like half past four, so Kelly and Nathan set out to his house to find him, and ended up meeting him on their way back to my house after not finding his car at his house. Apparently he had driven someone home after work. That's cool, but we were kinda waiting for him! *shakes fist* When Brandon came back we watched the last movie I had rented, The Diary Of Ellen Rimbower, or however its spelt. It was pretty good. The prequal to Rose Red, by Steven King. So we didn't end up going to bed until 7am, only to be waken up two hours later by the kids running around upstairs. (Except Brandon and I ended up waking Kelly up because apparently our kissing was too loud. She described it as wet noises. Lol. I felt bad. She didnt want to make it obvious that we had woken her up, so she sort of stirred around and then stretched, giving us a clue. Oopsy?).
And now for yesterdays wonderfully depressing news. My Mom officially has lost all trust in me, and feels used by everyone in our family. Isn't that pleasant. On Friday night when everyone was over, I poured a shot of Whiskey into each mine and Kelly's drinks of Coke, and she saw, I hadn't asked, and it was her alcohol. I was obviously going to tell her that I had done it, but she was disappointed because I hadn't asked her first. Guess I should have, but I figured she wouldn't have minded. I was assuming again. Suppose I do that too often.
As for losing trust in me. That is again my fault. One Sunday night, when I was full aware there was school the next morning, I stayed at Brandons house until one in the morning. I had Brandon drive me home, and explained to my parents that we had fallen asleep. That wasn't quite what happened. I just didn't feel like going home. I didn't really have a reason, other than I wasn't looking forward to coming home that night, so I pro-longed the stay for as long as I possibly could before I guessed my parents would call the police. When I got home Dad informed me that he had just phoned Brandons house and got no answer. Its a good thing he hadn't woken up Brandons parents, they wouldn't have been too happy about that. Along with this story, because it does have a point, on Friday night Mom confronted Brandon about this. (Which I am not sure why, considering it was like 3 weeks ago, but apparently she still cared about the stupid incident). And even though I told Brandon not to say anything, he told mom that he had mentioned I should go home, after I told him I didn't have a curfew and not to worry about. That's completely true, but that just set my Mom off. Obviously I know not to do that sort of stuff around Brandon anymore.
So, again adding to Moms list of badness, on Saturday night, Kelly and Brandon were joking around with Mom and mentioned something that had to do with people (mainly Brandon) sneaking into my window at night. Now first of all this has never happened before, and I don't ever plan on it happening. But for some odd reason Mom took them seriously and believed what they said to be completely true. I have no idea why she would do this, when, according to Brandon and Kelly, it was made plainly obvious that they were joking and even laughing about it. (Oh and to clear something up, I was asleep at this time, and had fallen asleep at nine that evening, with Brandon showing up at eleven, so I wasn't there for this). When I informed Mom they were plainly joking she still didn't believe me, and said that they had gone with them joking because I had confronted them about it, because they had been serious in the first place. It got me so mad! So mad that I wrote both Brandon and Kelly an email explaining my anger and frustration at the whole situation of the sneaking in my bedroom window, the alcohol and the Sunday night at Brandons. I guess I had just had it. Now I'm not one to show my anger in any way, but I just couldn't take it anymore.
It felt really good writing the email. But not 5 minutes later Brandon phoned me to let me know it had all been a joke etc. And to tell me he was sorry. I softened at that point and wrote them both back an email apologizing for making it look like I was more angry than I really was etc. I truly did feel bad, but I was still angry, no matter what I said in the second letter.
Kelly phoned me last night and wanted to speak to Mom, who wasn't speaking to me, and still isn't. She was not pleased with Kelly phoning, I could definitely tell. She told Kelly that it was fine. But I know that to her it wasn't. Its hard for her, and its the same with me, to admit when she is wrong. I guess its the whole perfectionist thing again. I also think its a hereditary gene or something.
As for today, I didn't go to school this morning for a lot of different reasons. First of all it started with my having a headache, but I put an ice pack on my head and fell back to sleep. By later on it got to the point where I just didn't feel like getting out of bed, I was too damn stressed, depressed, sick and tired of everything. So I officially didn't get out of my bed after that until probably 4:30 this afternoon. Only because Mom sent Daniel downstairs to let me know I had to babysit them. The only thing she's said to me all day was make sure I don't take my eyes off of them, and then closed the door the front door on her way to work. It made me feel so good!...
Brandon came over at about six or so, and stayed with the kids and me and we watched And Now For Something Completely Different-Monty Python, and Me, Myself and Irene. At eight I put the kids to bed and after the movies were over I played Scoobie Doo on the playstation. Brandon had never seen it before, so I put it on. It only made me frustrated cause I had forgotten I was at a point where I was stuck and cant go any farther. I'm only 47% done the damn game. Its supposed to be a kids movie, but it really isn't.
Anyways, it is morning now, and I should be sleeping. But I know I'm only going to end up going and reading until I fall asleep. Goodnight my faithful readers. Sweet dreams to you all.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
If we lived on T.V....
Currently Listening To:Bush- Mouth
Okay, so today is Wednesday, and so that means it's been officially three days since my surgery. This morning the swelling was not as bad as it was yesterday. I suppose that's because yesterday I talked so damn much (I had to go to school, but by my own choice). Today, because I had so many people comment that I was crazy for going to school, I felt it best to stay home, sleep, read and continue taking the drugs the doctor gave me. I suppose it helped. Yesterday was the first time I ate something since Sunday. I had some chicken noodle soup, and then some popsicles and ice cream after supper. I took one of the Demorals that the doctor gave me for intense pain and became a zombie who couldn't handle any "intellectual" conversations. (I put intellectual in quotes because I wasn't even able to handle Brandon talking about the simplest of things, but I kept telling him not to talk about such confusing intellectual things. Oh well, I still have four of the pills left, better make them last).
Im a tad bit puzzled, because even though I knew Brandon liked me enough to go out with me, I had no idea it was romantically. He's been coming over a lot lately, more so than he used to, but I didn't think he was attracted to me like that. In his own words he said, I really dig you. Ah well, at least I made sure he knew that I didn't feel romantically towards him. He told me he already knew that, but he cant help it. That I understand. I've been in his situation before, ironically it was involving him. Sometimes I really do believe that life is one big soap opera. But I've always said that.
Okay, so today is Wednesday, and so that means it's been officially three days since my surgery. This morning the swelling was not as bad as it was yesterday. I suppose that's because yesterday I talked so damn much (I had to go to school, but by my own choice). Today, because I had so many people comment that I was crazy for going to school, I felt it best to stay home, sleep, read and continue taking the drugs the doctor gave me. I suppose it helped. Yesterday was the first time I ate something since Sunday. I had some chicken noodle soup, and then some popsicles and ice cream after supper. I took one of the Demorals that the doctor gave me for intense pain and became a zombie who couldn't handle any "intellectual" conversations. (I put intellectual in quotes because I wasn't even able to handle Brandon talking about the simplest of things, but I kept telling him not to talk about such confusing intellectual things. Oh well, I still have four of the pills left, better make them last).
Im a tad bit puzzled, because even though I knew Brandon liked me enough to go out with me, I had no idea it was romantically. He's been coming over a lot lately, more so than he used to, but I didn't think he was attracted to me like that. In his own words he said, I really dig you. Ah well, at least I made sure he knew that I didn't feel romantically towards him. He told me he already knew that, but he cant help it. That I understand. I've been in his situation before, ironically it was involving him. Sometimes I really do believe that life is one big soap opera. But I've always said that.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
Currently Listening To:Infected Mushrooms Yahel- Tsunami
Well, tomorrow is the big day. I hope I don't have too much bruising after they yank my teeth out. =S Wish me luck!
I worked again tonight. It wasn't as busy as I thought it was going to be, considering its Super Bowl Sunday. But oh well, I got paid for the 3 hours I was there anyways.
Also today is the big day for raises. Minimum wage goes up to 7$ an hour. So I'll be getting 7.10$ and hour because I'll be 18 on Thursday. Still not as good pay as it was at Zellers, but it'll do.
Well, tomorrow is the big day. I hope I don't have too much bruising after they yank my teeth out. =S Wish me luck!
I worked again tonight. It wasn't as busy as I thought it was going to be, considering its Super Bowl Sunday. But oh well, I got paid for the 3 hours I was there anyways.
Also today is the big day for raises. Minimum wage goes up to 7$ an hour. So I'll be getting 7.10$ and hour because I'll be 18 on Thursday. Still not as good pay as it was at Zellers, but it'll do.
Here by my side, an angel. Here by my side, the devil. Never turn your back on me.
So turns out the modeling session didn't work out as planned. By the time I got home from work it was too late, and Amanda had already done hers in the afternoon. Turns out Rene had to work until 3pm that day, and I had to start work at 4 and didn't get off until 8 that night. Amanda said that Rene still wants to have a session with me and Amanda, but it will have to be on another day, obviously. And I had all my clothes packed and everything! Gah.
I've worked quite a bit the last few days. It feels good to know that money is going to be coming in. I guess I also like to go to work. The people are great, and it's not a hard job either. Finally!
Paul is convinced I am bored with him, and that I am avoiding him or something. I suppose he has reason to, considering I am never online. I just find it hard to go on and associate with anyone anymore. I find I am drifting away from the whole social internet life thing. I'm more in the mood for the behind-the-scenes-action. There but not really there. Maybe I am becoming anti-social or something. I don't know.
I think my artistic talent has gone down the drain. I've tried to draw two things now, and they both look like shit. I think maybe Im just not as focused as I should, or used, to be. It's really disappointing. I used to think I was alright when it came to art, but now when I look at my recent drawings I frown. They don't even seem like my kind of art.
Currently Listening To: Korn- Make Me Bad.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Currently Listening To: Led Zeppelin- Trampled Underfoot.
I'm sure there are many of you out there that are very happy the exams are over and done with!! Yesterday was my final exam, and it gives me butterfly's just thinking about them again. I am so happy they are over. Its such a relief.
This morning I had to get up early even though I don't have to go to school. I had a dentist appointment. Mum was smart and booked me in for a dentist appointment on Monday as well. That way today we could check and see what needed to be done on my teeth, and have it done on Monday, before I turn 18 on Thursday. Otherwise Dad's ODSP won't cover me anymore. I will officially be a financial burden to my parents. Oh joy oh bliss. Hey, at least I can sign all my own consent forms etc. The dentist, Steve, told me that I need to have my wisdom teeth pulled when I go in on Monday. I'm kinda nervous. I saw my X-rays and they show that I have three wisdom teeth in total. So they're going to yank them before they grow in all the way, that way when they do come in and cause me trouble, I wont have to pay anything extra, cause for now I am covered. They gave me a choice of either laughing gas, a sedative, or just having the freezing and nothing else. Of course I took the sedative. I don't want to have to remember anything! I've never ever had a cavity or anything wrong with me teeth, so I am kind of nervous. I've only ever had my teeth cleaned, none of this drilling or yanking shit. Eep!
Well I've phoned Little Amanda's house twice now, and left a message the first time, regarding the modeling for Rene's website we're supposed to be doing today, but no one has called me back. I have to work at 4 this afternoon, so I thought we would be able to get some shots in before I had to leave. Its already almost noon and no word. I hope nothings gone wrong. I really would like to have some photos taken. I could use them in a portfolio even.
The phone just rang and I answered it hurriedly hoping it was going to be Amanda, no dice. It was for Matthew so I told him to be quick.
But anyways, today is going to be a busy day. Well, it was supposed to be a busy day anyways. I was going to be getting photos done all afternoon, and then working until 8 tonight. Then after work Nathan is coming over to watch a movie or something. I'm hoping to get to bed before midnight tonight though cause tomorrow I'm going to be busy again. I have a meeting with Rebound Youth Services at 2 so I can get some volunteer hours in. I cant exactly graduate until I have 40 hours done. And so far as I know I only have approx. 3 done. Oops?
I spent last night downloading songs until all hours. I think I have 250 songs or so on my computer now. I don't think I could live without music. Music is food for the soul baby! Any suggestions on some songs I could download, that I possibly might not have? I have a lot, so good luck with suggestions. That'll be everyone's homework for tonight. :)
Monday, January 26, 2004
Curiouser and Curiouser
Okay, thats it, someone has to buy me the new Alice in Wonderland DVD! It even has a new song, which I find aweful, considering they should have stuck with the old Alice In Wonderland songs. I dont like how they change movies, digitaly remaster them, etc. Sigh. Why cant they leave old movies the way the are and let them be? >.<
Sunday, January 25, 2004
The fact is, that nothing will go right today. And if it does, it will only scare you.
Love me.
So I finished my first exam on Friday morning. I think it went well for the most part. But I do have to say that if I hadn't gotten the studying I did the few days before it, I wouldn't have passed. It was more like a test, than an exam. It wasn't even really that big. Thank god.
However tomorrow mornings exam is going to be very interesting indeed. Philosophy, of religion no less! And you want to know the funny part? We might as well have not studied anything the whole semester, because the exam is souly on the philosophy of religion, and nothing else we studied. Ain't that just peachy? Oh, and the best thing of all! We weren't even taught philosophy of religion! Oh, life is grand! Pray for me my dears, because I will need it.
"The ego is addicted. Within this part of my mind, I believe I am alone, so naturally the craving to unite with something else is enormous. The mistake I made was uniting with a harmful substance that had nothing to give. However, if I remain in my separate self after giving up the substance my addictions merely shift."
-Hugh Prather, Spiritual Notes to Myself, Essential Wisdon for the 21st Century.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
I'm floating down the river.
Where has the time gone! Its already coming to the end of the semester! Time to study? What's that! I tried studying yesterday and today. Stayed home to work on my sociology and clean my room. Ended up only getting my room cleaned, and a few terms written down from my text book. Hey, at least my room is clean right??
And to add on to my crisis situation with Quinten. Chelsea and I phoned on Monday night, and the lady told us we would remain anonymous. I wasn't sure it mattered to me, I mean if he ends up getting angry at me for phoning, I know that it will hurt, but not as much as it would hurt me to just have left it and done nothing about it. I couldn't just sit there and know what was going on, and have done nothing. I guessI am just not that sort of person. So Chelsea and I phoned. I am not sure what has been done about it from their end yet. The lady on the phone said she would have someone visit him at school, but because we had no address or phone number for her they couldn't visit his home first. I'm still waiting...
Well, because exams are soon, I must get back to my studying. Good evening my dears.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Silence....
I've recently had quite the crisis. Friday Chelsea, Rebecca and Quiten walked from school to my house in order to get a ride to the mall, as I was on my way to work. We were all going to see a movie after I was finished work around 8 or so. When they got to my house Quiten thought it would be a good idea to let his parents know he was going to be going to the movies tonight with us girls, and that he wouldnt be back until 11:30 or so and he'd have a ride home with me. When he was finished on the phone he became very quiet and withdrawn, he said that his parents had told him they weren't happy with him going but they told him it was okay anyways. So wI drive to work and we I buy Pizza for everyone. Quiten hardly said a word the whole time, but I didn't think anything of it, because he's usually some sort of quiet around me. At about five I clock in and around quater after five they leave to head to the mall and paruse until 8 when I'd meet them there to catch a flick at the Cinema. I think it was around seven or so, not sure of the exact time, when Chelsea and Becca walked in with very upset looks on their faces. I guess they were seated because I had to go looking for them to see what was up. They told me that when they had reached the mall and walked around for a bit Quiten had become more withdrawn and timid looking. He had suddenly suggested they walk to his house because he needed to change (he was still wearing his uniform). So they did, and before they got to the door, he took his hat off and informed Chelsea and Becca that his father was more than likely going to be yelling, and to not take offence to anything said, then became very quiet. His father came to the door after they has stepped in, and in a very cheerful voice said, "Oh nice to see you have decided to come!" With that Quiten stammered, "Yes, I uhm, just forgot something, so I uhm, needed to get it, and uhm change..." His father answered with, "Oh that, I know exactly what you are looking for, its upstairs in your room, why don't you come up with me." And it wasnt a question, it was a command. Becca said that while they waited at the door they promtly heard a loud SLAP and muffled voices, possible yelling. Then his father came down and said that Quinten was going to be staying in tonight and that he might call them later, then ushered them out the door. I was so angry, I wanted to cry and/or scream and yell. Who in their right mind treats a fifteen year old like a child? With Quitens background, his parents should know better than to treat him they way they are, they should be using more caution. Now I can see why he is the way he is. I just wish I got to spend more time with him, I can see that he needs a real friend, and I want to be a friend to him, and not have him push me away. I am so worried about him, I decided what I am going to do, but I wanted to speak to Quinten about it tomorrow at school first. Though its not going to make my decision any different, I just want him to know first.
I am not sure I should have posted this, but I felt I had to.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
This feeling inside of me is a sort of a cold breeze.
I guess now would be a good time than any to write something. I suppose I need to work out some time management skills. Yuck.
Im having a most interesting conversation with Becca and Paul right now. Brandon has put in me in a philosophical mood tonight. While he was here we were playing the question and answer game, but it got to the point where we weren't asking each other what their favourite meal or what they like best about themself was, it went to "is it wrong when someone kills someone, even if to them its morally right?" And so on. So this provoked an interesting discussion about Becca in the chat room on The Unloved tonight. I have permission to use both Becca and Pauls input, and obviously mine. So Im going to post the conversation in here for you all to read. It seems to easiest way to get the jist of everything.
kamikazedreamer : i just went on your tagboard and commanded your blog to awake, k?
VampireÐust : Okies
VampireÐust : Thank you
kamikazedreamer : and you should. i just had a shower so i'm happy
VampireÐust smiles
VampireÐust : good, glad to hear someone is happy
VampireÐust sighs
VampireÐust : Im happy because I got to talk to Paul tonighr
VampireÐust : tonight* even
kamikazedreamer : how's chelsea now?
VampireÐust : Shes better she said
kamikazedreamer : good
kamikazedreamer : i was worried
kamikazedreamer : you may have noticed
VampireÐust : Yes, but shes usually fine after she has some sort of painful release, and I know how aweful that sounds, but its the only way she knows how.
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : Sunrise, sunset, the sunrise and the sunset, from the cradle to the casket, sunrise, sunset today...
kamikazedreamer : phew. i think
VampireÐust : She really should discover that there are other ways other than cutting.
kamikazedreamer : i went on my blog about it... she sholud
kamikazedreamer : *should
VampireÐust : But I suppose shes stubborn for one, and the other would be because at the time it feels good to her
kamikazedreamer : but she's been taught already, what can we do?
kamikazedreamer coughs
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : tie her up and molest her with candles until she promises never to do it again?
kamikazedreamer : that would be bad to do
VampireÐust : that wouldnt be very good. The reason she does what she does is because she feels useless somehow. Its apparently hard to explain.
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : mergh
VampireÐust : She feels like she needs to be used or something. Im sure it has something to do with her experience as a child. But I dunno.
kamikazedreamer : she needs to feel useless, to prove that it is not just the truth to her
kamikazedreamer : but she isn't...
kamikazedreamer sniffles
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : She needs attention and shes not getting enough so she does something drastic that you will all spaz about...
kamikazedreamer : no, i panicked
VampireÐust : I have this thing with not be able to believe a lot of what people say lately, and therefore always come to the worst conclusion, such as what Paul just mentioned.
kamikazedreamer : i said it all in blog,
kamikazedreamer : but poetic-a-bob
VampireÐust : Actualy, I think its that I am finaly noticing that I have this problem with not believing a lot of what people say
kamikazedreamer : i take it too hard or not at all
VampireÐust : but Ive always been that way, and not to mention the whole trust thing has gone down the drain.
VampireÐust : Thats not good, everyone has to have a happy medium
VampireÐust : When you find your happy medium, life will not seem so hard, and you may actually find it liveable.
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : Life is liveable for me because I'm al;ways a big ball of angst
kamikazedreamer : ... happy? i'm hyper or sad
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : and I know how chelsea thinks because I used to be like that
kamikazedreamer : i think. i don't see myself right
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : granted I was more shy about it
VampireÐust : Becca: yes because thats your way of showing an emotion, even though you need to figure out on your own other ways of showing emotions. Repression isnt good.
VampireÐust : And yes the one thing that gives away that she wants it for attention is that she shows a lot of people it, or she'll "casually" mention how its hurting, or how shes so itchy.
kamikazedreamer : i stab my wall? or used to. my room got moved, 'member? it isn't my room. it isn't secure
kamikazedreamer : and not want to be alone
VampireÐust : But that has nothing to do with... with your emotions. If you dont want to be alone, you need to be more social, if you know what I mean. Get out into the neighborhood and apply yourself. I dont know if you even want to hear any of this, but Im going to
VampireÐust : yap anyways.
kamikazedreamer : she won't want to be alone. if i was crying, i would be trying to hide.
kamikazedreamer : and i want to hear anything about me. i need to know me.
kamikazedreamer : and i am apathetic, but not as badly as others.
VampireÐust : But I dont necessarily know you. You know you, dont go by what other people say they think is you. Figure it out on your own. Yuo can always use other peoples opinions, but dont give up on figuring out yourself by yourself.
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : Becca is too insecure and focuses too much on achieving something that is nearly impossible...
kamikazedreamer : everyone has something worse than me. it's a fact
kamikazedreamer : or better
kamikazedreamer : i don't know me.
VampireÐust : Thats also true. Another thing is that know one will ever truly know themself. I dont care what the buddhist monks say, to me know one really knows the true them.
kamikazedreamer : i need even a bit of light. you?
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : *no
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : sowwy
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : t'was bugging me
kamikazedreamer : tis okay
VampireÐust : You can have all the psychologists in the world diagnose you with some sort of something, but all that will do is give you something to go on. You have to have told them the complete truth and told them everything before they can come to any conclusion
VampireÐust : I can only write the jist of what I want to say, its hard to explain what I am trying to get at.
kamikazedreamer : i am protective, obsessive, bitchy to bitches, fearful, anything else?
VampireÐust : Brandon put me in a philosophical mood tonight.
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : I'm just obsessive and need attention...
VampireÐust : curious, caring, loveable, a bit modest
VampireÐust : etc. etc.
kamikazedreamer : i don't see good in me. i'm arrogant and get away with murder according to family
kamikazedreamer : and mom thinks i'm going insane
kamikazedreamer : said so to me
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : Dont listen to your family
kamikazedreamer : not planning to
kamikazedreamer : but it hurts
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : if they cant compliment you then their insults mean nothing
kamikazedreamer : "I'm afraid of you going insane."
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : just remember that
kamikazedreamer : they do, though, mom said something.
kamikazedreamer : complimenting me while saying i was arrogant
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : bah...
VampireÐust : Thats just a twisty play on words Becca.
VampireÐust : What she is trying to say is she loves you and wants the best for you but she is really worried.
VampireÐust : She doesn't actually think you are going to go insane, she just thinks you are weird, over the top, and possibly need to have someone to talk to.
kamikazedreamer : she;s preppy and afraid of me sitting in the dark, talking to myself, playing music
VampireÐust : She is losing her little girl, whether she likes it or not, and there is nothing she can do about it, so she is trying everything she can to keep the old you.
VampireÐust : Love, it has nothing to do with her being preppy. Though I am sure she is afraid for you sitting in the dark talk to yourself and playing music.
kamikazedreamer : too much imagination. i can't type it, so i'll keep it in my mind
kamikazedreamer : she said the preppy quote
VampireÐust : I mean my mum tells me all the time she doent think that that is good for me, listening to depressing music and sitting in the dark. But if thats the mood Im in I say let it work its way through until I see the sunshine again.
kamikazedreamer : 3 hour fight a few days ago. good thing to say.
VampireÐust : Yes but she was just using the as a metaphor to what she really means. Its a means of hiding the truth and making it easier to say. Some people find it hard to just come out and say damn it rebecca I am worried for you and I feel like I am losing my
VampireÐust : little girl.
The chat's topic has changed to: Starshine, never gunna find me...
VampireÐust : Do you see where I am coming from hun?
VampireÐust : Is this helping any at all?
kamikazedreamer : yes, it is. you are going to do well in the future
VampireÐust : Oh and do either of you mind if I post this conversation on my blog? Or is this too personal a thing?
VampireÐust : Thank you. But I wasnt really thinking about my future, I am just triyng to help you.
ØяεøIммøя†α£ shrugs
kamikazedreamer : not at all
VampireÐust : I mean once the conversation is done and all. Though I suppose I should have asked that after we were finished, that way none of your answers will be fiddled with just in case.
kamikazedreamer : go ahead!
VampireÐust : Thank you.
VampireÐust : And Im going to take Pauls as an iffy right now.
kamikazedreamer : i spill my soul on mine, so it's okay...
VampireÐust : I wont until I get a yes or no love. I dont want to dive into anything too personal.
VampireÐust : So Becca do you feel any different or better, reasured or anything?
kamikazedreamer : i do. it describes her side a bit, i think
VampireÐust : And your welcome love.
VampireÐust : Paul do you mind if I post the previous conversation, or should I take out anything you said? Unless you dont mind
ØяεøIммøя†α£ : its fine
And that was as psychological as I got with them tonight, for I am oh so tired.
Goodnight dear Bloggy.
Sunday, January 11, 2004
ZUT
This was written a few months back, it has not been looked over, and only a brief spell check was done. I decided to post it here to give everyone something to read. If you are offended easily I suggest you don't continue reading past the ~*~.
Okay, I haven't exactly thought of a name for this one yet. I wrote it one night, by hand on paper, pure passion. Ask Chelsea, I basically didn't put the pen down until I was done, unless you count walking Chelsea to the door at like 11. Anyways, if you have any ideas on a name for this one, I'll be happy to take them into consideration.
Mandy
~*~
The air was hot and dry it usually was in the afternoon's. Zut was sitting amongst her dolls, not far from the house, in her sand pile.
"Slave, fetch me my crown!" Zut was holding a doll her mother made her from the left over fabric of her prettiest dress. The fabric was a faded shade of yellow, but it was the nicest out of all her dolls.
Zut set the doll down on a thrown she had made out of sticks and some string her mother let her use. For only being eight years of age, Zut was a creative, very independent child.
Absently zut wiped the back of her hand across her forehead and tucked a lock her long dark brown hair behind her left ear. A trickled of sweat ran down the back of her neck and disappeared beneath her cotton shift.
Reaching across the sand pit, Zut picked up the slave doll, pretending it was doing an errand for its Queen, made it bow and back away.
Zut sat back on her heels and looked up into the pomegranate tree above her. For as long as she could remember the tree had been there. She loved its green leaves and big it was compared to herself. Zut had sent hours climbing and getting to know the tree. She fondly placed a hand on its trunk, closed her eyes and said a prayer of thanks to the earth god Geb. The prayer was one her mother taught her.
Her mother had been the major role model all her life, since her fathers passing while he was working King Djoser.
The king had ordered that the people of Saqqara build him a tomb, and while her father was helping construct this, he was crushed by a large block of stone.
Zut could never miss her father properly, for she had never really known him. Her mother would talk about her father being a great man. Strong, darkly tanned, curly brown hair. She would describe him as being a kind and lovable person who would bounce Zut on his knee and tell her a story after the evening meal.
This afternoon Zut's mother was baking an apple pie and it smelled delicious. Zut licked her lips and leaned forward on her knees to gather up her dolls and the throne. Bouncing to her feet, Zut skipped towards the house. As she stepped inside the door and her eyes adjusted to the mute light in her kitchen, she called to her mother.
Zut looked up from the floor and let her toys drop in front of her when she saw her mother in the middle of the room, tied to one of her kitchen chairs. Zut had used the chairs as long as she had been able to sit up by herself. A piece of cloth was tied around her mothers head, covering h er mouth and one for her eyes. Zut could tell that she had been crying, and as she watched another tear slipped from underneath the already damp piece of cloth from her tears.
Zut's attention was suddenly directed to a man, tall, black hair and scruffy who appeared from the bedroom that she shared with her mother. He was holding one of her nights and pair of her mothers undergarments. His face was buried in her shift. When he looked up he beamed what was supposed to be a friendly smile at Zut, and advanced closer to her until he was only two or three feet away.
"why hello pretty thing. Where have you been this whole time? Your mother and I were just having a good time here. Ain't that right?" He finished what he was saying and looked at Zuts mother, a smile on his dirty face.
At the sound of the mans voice her mother gave a startled cry, and realized Zut was in the room. Zut was completely frozen, she felt helpless and her skin prickled with the intense sense of danger emanating from the scary man. Her hands balled into fists at her side, she managed a small whimper of protest. Her attention was suddenly drawn to her mother who was franticly trying to escape from the tight hold of the mans knots.
"Ah, ah ah now miss." The dirty man said and shook a finger at her. "Now don't you try anything I wouldn't do!" And with that he burst out laughing, tossing his curly head back. His loud laugh filled Zuts ears, and she grew cold inside. She immediately began to cry, throwing herself onto her knees, her hands covering her ears.
"Go away! Go away! Leave her alone, I hate you!" Zut screamed with frustration. She was bent forward on her knees, and she grabbed fist fulls of her own hair, tugging on it hard.
Her mother was tossing her head from side to side, fearing he was harming her little girl.
Zuts mothers screaming was stopped abruptly as the back of the mans hand struck her against the side of her head, reducing her to choking sobs.
Zut lifted her head, her hand still tangled in her hair, hot tears streaking down her face. She glared towards the disgusting man, her eyes dripping with hatred. Suddenly she hated him for doing this to her family.
The man only chuckled at the look on the eight year old girls face as he advanced on her with a quickness she hadn't expected. Taking her by her hair the man grunted as he tossed Zut onto her back. Zut landed hard and let out a startled cry, her face showing the fear she felt inside. Her mother was bent forward in the chair, sobbing quietly.
Zut shut her eyes as tight as possible and began kicking the man with all her might, hitting his stomach. He only grunted and grabbed her ankles in his dirty paws with one hand, using the other to lift up her shift.
panic overtook Zut and she pushed herself backwards, trying to escape the mans touch as his hands slid u p her thigh and touched Zut in her most private of spots. She couldn't hold back her tears and let them flow much more now, terrified and feeling utterly helpless, unable to pull from his grasp.
Before she could do anything else, the man spread her legs and knelt on her calves, holding them firmly, but painfully against the wooden floor of her own house.
Her mother was now kicking in the chair, trying, despite the cloth bindings on her ankles, to come to her babies aid. Zut sensed her mother knew what the man was doing to her. Her mother was shouting muffled words from behind the gage, screaming on time, pleading the next.
Zut had no warning and with a thrust the man was suddenly inside her tender place. Zut felt as if she was tearing apart from the inside and it burned like fire. She screamed loudly and tossed her head from side to side, her eyes still shut tight. Zut pounded on the tall mans chest and shoulders as hard as she could, but to no avail. She opened her eyes and looked up at her attacker. His eyes were closed and his features were contorted with concentration.
An eerie calm overtook Zut and she let her body go limp. She wanted it to stop and tried to pretend that this wasn't happening to her. She thought of the times her mother would take her in to the market and they would buy candied figs as a treat after devotions. Zut thought about the stories they shared over the evening meal about her father, and about the future. She wished her father was here to protect her now. A cry from her mother interrupted her thoughts and she was suddenly brought back to the cruel realization of what was happening to her.
The foul man who was still pushing himself inside of her opened his eyes and stared down at Zut. Zut glared back at him and all at once he gave a loud grunt followed by a moan and pulled slowly away from her. Grabbing her hands in his he yanked Zut to her feet and sat her down hard in one of the other kitchen chairs. He bound her hands and feet. Zut bit her lip to keep from crying out because of the pain she felt in her private spot.
Her mother had gone suddenly very quiet, as if she sensed the tall mans next move.
Zut sat still, and she felt a hot wetness clinging to the inside of her thigh. She was sure she was bleeding and cursed the man through clenched teeth. She felt dirty and ultimately violated. Zut shut her eyes tight and tasted metallic in her mouth. She had bit her lip until she was bleeding.
Not wanting to open her eyes to see what the man was going to do next, Zut kept them closed and rocked back and forth. Her mothers muffle voice was heard the loudest in the room, invading her thoughts. Again she wanted to pretend that this wasn't happening. There was nothing she could do to help her mother from the same thing that she had experienced.
Zut begged and pleaded softly, inaudibly, that he would spare her. That he would suddenly have a change of heart and decide to let them go. Though by the sounds of things her wishes were not coming true.
She braved a peek at what was happening and was horrified to see that the man had her mother down on the floor, nearly in the same place where she been. Her mother however was face down, her buttocks in the air. Dress pushed up over her back and her face was buried in the floor.
Zut could do nothing but watch as he man slid his hands over her mothers smooth gently tanned skin and kiss the small of her back.
Disgusted, enraged, Zut wanted to know why someone would so something like this. What had they done to deserve such punishment? Why would this man come into their home and ruin their haven? This was their sanctuary!
She looked up from the floor to see the man forcefully thrusting himself inside her mother, he looked like an animal and his grunts came in ragged gasps.
Wanting to look away from this grotesque scene she was witnessing, but finding she could not, she began to sob uncontrollably.
Her mother whimpered and groaned with every thrust made by the dirty man and from the view that Zut had she could see the mans dark buttocks. He had hair coming from his lower back which traveled down in between his buttcheeks. Zut could tell he did not care about his mothers feelings, just as he had not cared about her own.
Zut could not take it anymore and gave a cry of protest. She flung herself on them, chair and all, hoping to separate him from her mother. Zut landed on them and tumbled face forwards onto the floor beside her mother, who was still gagged and blinded by the two pieces of cloth.
With a small gasp Zut felt her face pushed into the floor and the wind escape her lungs. Her cheek ground against the rough wood as weight had been place on the chair. Zut could not turn her head to see what was going on, she could only groan in pain.
"Gods! Impotent child! How dare you..." He was seething with anger, Zut could hear it in his voice and she whimpered, her bottom lip trembling. "You will pay for your insolence." He said this through gritted teeth.
Facing her mother who was still face down on the floor beside her, Zut was breathing heavily, angry and full of liquid hatred. Struggling she tried to roll herself over as she the scruffy man going through her mothers kitchen. She was not sure what he was doing but she shivered with fear.
Zuts mother looked unsure of what she should do and Zut felt her hand search for hers, seeking some sort of comfort and assurance. Zut could only keep as silent as possible, Hoping g the man would leave and forget about them. Maybe he was tired, and angry enough to leave them be. Maybe someone would come to rescue them.
She heard him rustling about behind her mother, mumbling about Zut being a difficult brat who needs to learn a lesson, that she would get what she deserved.
Taking a glance at her mother, Zut saw that she had a trickled of blood coming from her nose. Zut was terrified for her.
Zut began to yell bravely screaming at the man. "You are digesting! I hate you, and I wish the gods would strike you down dead and that your soul is devoured by Ahmet! May you suffer as much as we have. May you-"
She was immediately cut off as the man lifted her chair and set it upright. He seemed not to have heard her words and was completely ignoring her. Zut stared directly at him and waited as her anger built. Zut spat at him, hitting him directly on his forehead and she watched as the spittle dripped down the bridge of his nose towards his cheek.
calmly the man wiped it with the bottom of his shirt and continued with whatever he was doing. He seemed even more horrifying to her at this moment in time and she was unable to predict what he was going to do next.
Bending next to her mother, their attacker took a hold of her by the back of her head, a fist full of her mothers hair in his dirty paw and tossed her at the wall where she crumpled to the floor. The expression on her mothers face was hard to tell because of the cloth, but she knew she must be scared, and feeling just as helpless as Zut was. Zut had no idea what was left for both of them. What more could he do?
Before Zut could think of anything else, the man knelt down beside her mother and raised his arm above his head. With a sudden realization Zut saw the gleam of metal in his fist and she watched in horror as the man plunged a knife into her mothers chest. Then the man plunged it into her stomach, again and again.
franticly thrusting about in her chair Zut screamed over and over again, "NO! No! Nooo!" Her mother was her mentor, her savior. The person she loved most in her entire life.
The man turned slightly to face Zut, a calm expression on his face. His eyes showed her that he was mad while he stared at her.
"You little bitch," he spat, "look at what you've made me do. Watch as I drain the life from your mother. Watch as I take her life into my hands and send her soul before her judgment. She deserved what you have brought upon her, and you deserve to watch her take her last breath." What scared Zut the most was that he had said it was her fault. It wasn't her fault. She didn't drive the knife into her own mother, he did. It was him. It couldn't be her fault. The mans voice was unfaltering as he spoke to her.
Slowly he turned back to her mother. Blood had crept across the floor and was pooled beneath the mans feet. Zut should have felt a lot more scared than she did, but felt drained, her emotions seemed to be locked inside a newly made cage in her mind. Set aside as if she could not bear to deal with them right now. But knew that if she lived, they would eventual burst forth unexpectedly. Zut stared at her mother, who was unmoving and covered in her own blood. Zut had lost both her mother and her father. She felt as if she was losing herself.
The man had stood and was staring at her, she could tell he was wondering what she was thinking about. Zut wanted to scream at him. Tear out his heart and feed it to the jackals. Watch as he died by her hands, slowly and painfully. Zut wanted him to taste the fear in the back of his throat before she plunged her hand into his chest, pulled out his heart and watched it beat in her hand, his blood between her fingers, and dripping down her arm. She wanted his body to become lifeless as her mothers had. Zut wanted sweet revenge. He was a disgusting evil man, and didn't deserve to live while her mother was an innocent loving person whom she loved with all her of her heart.
Zut licked her lips slowly, relishing in the thoughts that swam in her mind. She realized she had been holding her breath, and let it out quickly.
Suddenly the man came towards her, and Zut watched as he knelt on the floor. Still bound she was helpless to anything his black heart desired and she knew he knew this.
The man smiled coldly and came in close to whisper in her ear, "You wish to kill me little one? Then why don't you? Are you afraid? Seek your revenge."
Zut sat very still in the chair. She went over what he had just said to her. Slightly shifting to the right Zut realized he had undone her bindings. Why had he done his? Could he read her thoughts? Or did he think that she was just a little child who would not go through with killing someone?
Slowly Zut pulled her arms away from the back of the chair and placed them in her lap, only to find that the knife from her mothers kitchen was resting there. How had she not noticed him putting it there? Was she going mad? Or was she already gone.
She closed her eyes as the man hovered inches from her face, waiting as if he wanted her to say something. What could she say? Had she not already said everything that could and wanted to say? What was left?
Gently zut fingered the knife with her small, delicate hands. She felt the still warm blood of her mother that coated its blade. Suddenly she knew what she had to do. Taking the knife in both her hands she turned her mouth to the mans ear and whispered what she wanted to say. "I hate you. You will pay..."
Zut plunged the knife into her own belly. Her eyes widened her eyes with the pain and the last image she saw was of the man, surprised by her action as he knelt before her. His eyes were trained on her face as Zut slumped sideways in the chair and toppled lifeless to the floor.
Okay, I haven't exactly thought of a name for this one yet. I wrote it one night, by hand on paper, pure passion. Ask Chelsea, I basically didn't put the pen down until I was done, unless you count walking Chelsea to the door at like 11. Anyways, if you have any ideas on a name for this one, I'll be happy to take them into consideration.
Mandy
~*~
The air was hot and dry it usually was in the afternoon's. Zut was sitting amongst her dolls, not far from the house, in her sand pile.
"Slave, fetch me my crown!" Zut was holding a doll her mother made her from the left over fabric of her prettiest dress. The fabric was a faded shade of yellow, but it was the nicest out of all her dolls.
Zut set the doll down on a thrown she had made out of sticks and some string her mother let her use. For only being eight years of age, Zut was a creative, very independent child.
Absently zut wiped the back of her hand across her forehead and tucked a lock her long dark brown hair behind her left ear. A trickled of sweat ran down the back of her neck and disappeared beneath her cotton shift.
Reaching across the sand pit, Zut picked up the slave doll, pretending it was doing an errand for its Queen, made it bow and back away.
Zut sat back on her heels and looked up into the pomegranate tree above her. For as long as she could remember the tree had been there. She loved its green leaves and big it was compared to herself. Zut had sent hours climbing and getting to know the tree. She fondly placed a hand on its trunk, closed her eyes and said a prayer of thanks to the earth god Geb. The prayer was one her mother taught her.
Her mother had been the major role model all her life, since her fathers passing while he was working King Djoser.
The king had ordered that the people of Saqqara build him a tomb, and while her father was helping construct this, he was crushed by a large block of stone.
Zut could never miss her father properly, for she had never really known him. Her mother would talk about her father being a great man. Strong, darkly tanned, curly brown hair. She would describe him as being a kind and lovable person who would bounce Zut on his knee and tell her a story after the evening meal.
This afternoon Zut's mother was baking an apple pie and it smelled delicious. Zut licked her lips and leaned forward on her knees to gather up her dolls and the throne. Bouncing to her feet, Zut skipped towards the house. As she stepped inside the door and her eyes adjusted to the mute light in her kitchen, she called to her mother.
Zut looked up from the floor and let her toys drop in front of her when she saw her mother in the middle of the room, tied to one of her kitchen chairs. Zut had used the chairs as long as she had been able to sit up by herself. A piece of cloth was tied around her mothers head, covering h er mouth and one for her eyes. Zut could tell that she had been crying, and as she watched another tear slipped from underneath the already damp piece of cloth from her tears.
Zut's attention was suddenly directed to a man, tall, black hair and scruffy who appeared from the bedroom that she shared with her mother. He was holding one of her nights and pair of her mothers undergarments. His face was buried in her shift. When he looked up he beamed what was supposed to be a friendly smile at Zut, and advanced closer to her until he was only two or three feet away.
"why hello pretty thing. Where have you been this whole time? Your mother and I were just having a good time here. Ain't that right?" He finished what he was saying and looked at Zuts mother, a smile on his dirty face.
At the sound of the mans voice her mother gave a startled cry, and realized Zut was in the room. Zut was completely frozen, she felt helpless and her skin prickled with the intense sense of danger emanating from the scary man. Her hands balled into fists at her side, she managed a small whimper of protest. Her attention was suddenly drawn to her mother who was franticly trying to escape from the tight hold of the mans knots.
"Ah, ah ah now miss." The dirty man said and shook a finger at her. "Now don't you try anything I wouldn't do!" And with that he burst out laughing, tossing his curly head back. His loud laugh filled Zuts ears, and she grew cold inside. She immediately began to cry, throwing herself onto her knees, her hands covering her ears.
"Go away! Go away! Leave her alone, I hate you!" Zut screamed with frustration. She was bent forward on her knees, and she grabbed fist fulls of her own hair, tugging on it hard.
Her mother was tossing her head from side to side, fearing he was harming her little girl.
Zuts mothers screaming was stopped abruptly as the back of the mans hand struck her against the side of her head, reducing her to choking sobs.
Zut lifted her head, her hand still tangled in her hair, hot tears streaking down her face. She glared towards the disgusting man, her eyes dripping with hatred. Suddenly she hated him for doing this to her family.
The man only chuckled at the look on the eight year old girls face as he advanced on her with a quickness she hadn't expected. Taking her by her hair the man grunted as he tossed Zut onto her back. Zut landed hard and let out a startled cry, her face showing the fear she felt inside. Her mother was bent forward in the chair, sobbing quietly.
Zut shut her eyes as tight as possible and began kicking the man with all her might, hitting his stomach. He only grunted and grabbed her ankles in his dirty paws with one hand, using the other to lift up her shift.
panic overtook Zut and she pushed herself backwards, trying to escape the mans touch as his hands slid u p her thigh and touched Zut in her most private of spots. She couldn't hold back her tears and let them flow much more now, terrified and feeling utterly helpless, unable to pull from his grasp.
Before she could do anything else, the man spread her legs and knelt on her calves, holding them firmly, but painfully against the wooden floor of her own house.
Her mother was now kicking in the chair, trying, despite the cloth bindings on her ankles, to come to her babies aid. Zut sensed her mother knew what the man was doing to her. Her mother was shouting muffled words from behind the gage, screaming on time, pleading the next.
Zut had no warning and with a thrust the man was suddenly inside her tender place. Zut felt as if she was tearing apart from the inside and it burned like fire. She screamed loudly and tossed her head from side to side, her eyes still shut tight. Zut pounded on the tall mans chest and shoulders as hard as she could, but to no avail. She opened her eyes and looked up at her attacker. His eyes were closed and his features were contorted with concentration.
An eerie calm overtook Zut and she let her body go limp. She wanted it to stop and tried to pretend that this wasn't happening to her. She thought of the times her mother would take her in to the market and they would buy candied figs as a treat after devotions. Zut thought about the stories they shared over the evening meal about her father, and about the future. She wished her father was here to protect her now. A cry from her mother interrupted her thoughts and she was suddenly brought back to the cruel realization of what was happening to her.
The foul man who was still pushing himself inside of her opened his eyes and stared down at Zut. Zut glared back at him and all at once he gave a loud grunt followed by a moan and pulled slowly away from her. Grabbing her hands in his he yanked Zut to her feet and sat her down hard in one of the other kitchen chairs. He bound her hands and feet. Zut bit her lip to keep from crying out because of the pain she felt in her private spot.
Her mother had gone suddenly very quiet, as if she sensed the tall mans next move.
Zut sat still, and she felt a hot wetness clinging to the inside of her thigh. She was sure she was bleeding and cursed the man through clenched teeth. She felt dirty and ultimately violated. Zut shut her eyes tight and tasted metallic in her mouth. She had bit her lip until she was bleeding.
Not wanting to open her eyes to see what the man was going to do next, Zut kept them closed and rocked back and forth. Her mothers muffle voice was heard the loudest in the room, invading her thoughts. Again she wanted to pretend that this wasn't happening. There was nothing she could do to help her mother from the same thing that she had experienced.
Zut begged and pleaded softly, inaudibly, that he would spare her. That he would suddenly have a change of heart and decide to let them go. Though by the sounds of things her wishes were not coming true.
She braved a peek at what was happening and was horrified to see that the man had her mother down on the floor, nearly in the same place where she been. Her mother however was face down, her buttocks in the air. Dress pushed up over her back and her face was buried in the floor.
Zut could do nothing but watch as he man slid his hands over her mothers smooth gently tanned skin and kiss the small of her back.
Disgusted, enraged, Zut wanted to know why someone would so something like this. What had they done to deserve such punishment? Why would this man come into their home and ruin their haven? This was their sanctuary!
She looked up from the floor to see the man forcefully thrusting himself inside her mother, he looked like an animal and his grunts came in ragged gasps.
Wanting to look away from this grotesque scene she was witnessing, but finding she could not, she began to sob uncontrollably.
Her mother whimpered and groaned with every thrust made by the dirty man and from the view that Zut had she could see the mans dark buttocks. He had hair coming from his lower back which traveled down in between his buttcheeks. Zut could tell he did not care about his mothers feelings, just as he had not cared about her own.
Zut could not take it anymore and gave a cry of protest. She flung herself on them, chair and all, hoping to separate him from her mother. Zut landed on them and tumbled face forwards onto the floor beside her mother, who was still gagged and blinded by the two pieces of cloth.
With a small gasp Zut felt her face pushed into the floor and the wind escape her lungs. Her cheek ground against the rough wood as weight had been place on the chair. Zut could not turn her head to see what was going on, she could only groan in pain.
"Gods! Impotent child! How dare you..." He was seething with anger, Zut could hear it in his voice and she whimpered, her bottom lip trembling. "You will pay for your insolence." He said this through gritted teeth.
Facing her mother who was still face down on the floor beside her, Zut was breathing heavily, angry and full of liquid hatred. Struggling she tried to roll herself over as she the scruffy man going through her mothers kitchen. She was not sure what he was doing but she shivered with fear.
Zuts mother looked unsure of what she should do and Zut felt her hand search for hers, seeking some sort of comfort and assurance. Zut could only keep as silent as possible, Hoping g the man would leave and forget about them. Maybe he was tired, and angry enough to leave them be. Maybe someone would come to rescue them.
She heard him rustling about behind her mother, mumbling about Zut being a difficult brat who needs to learn a lesson, that she would get what she deserved.
Taking a glance at her mother, Zut saw that she had a trickled of blood coming from her nose. Zut was terrified for her.
Zut began to yell bravely screaming at the man. "You are digesting! I hate you, and I wish the gods would strike you down dead and that your soul is devoured by Ahmet! May you suffer as much as we have. May you-"
She was immediately cut off as the man lifted her chair and set it upright. He seemed not to have heard her words and was completely ignoring her. Zut stared directly at him and waited as her anger built. Zut spat at him, hitting him directly on his forehead and she watched as the spittle dripped down the bridge of his nose towards his cheek.
calmly the man wiped it with the bottom of his shirt and continued with whatever he was doing. He seemed even more horrifying to her at this moment in time and she was unable to predict what he was going to do next.
Bending next to her mother, their attacker took a hold of her by the back of her head, a fist full of her mothers hair in his dirty paw and tossed her at the wall where she crumpled to the floor. The expression on her mothers face was hard to tell because of the cloth, but she knew she must be scared, and feeling just as helpless as Zut was. Zut had no idea what was left for both of them. What more could he do?
Before Zut could think of anything else, the man knelt down beside her mother and raised his arm above his head. With a sudden realization Zut saw the gleam of metal in his fist and she watched in horror as the man plunged a knife into her mothers chest. Then the man plunged it into her stomach, again and again.
franticly thrusting about in her chair Zut screamed over and over again, "NO! No! Nooo!" Her mother was her mentor, her savior. The person she loved most in her entire life.
The man turned slightly to face Zut, a calm expression on his face. His eyes showed her that he was mad while he stared at her.
"You little bitch," he spat, "look at what you've made me do. Watch as I drain the life from your mother. Watch as I take her life into my hands and send her soul before her judgment. She deserved what you have brought upon her, and you deserve to watch her take her last breath." What scared Zut the most was that he had said it was her fault. It wasn't her fault. She didn't drive the knife into her own mother, he did. It was him. It couldn't be her fault. The mans voice was unfaltering as he spoke to her.
Slowly he turned back to her mother. Blood had crept across the floor and was pooled beneath the mans feet. Zut should have felt a lot more scared than she did, but felt drained, her emotions seemed to be locked inside a newly made cage in her mind. Set aside as if she could not bear to deal with them right now. But knew that if she lived, they would eventual burst forth unexpectedly. Zut stared at her mother, who was unmoving and covered in her own blood. Zut had lost both her mother and her father. She felt as if she was losing herself.
The man had stood and was staring at her, she could tell he was wondering what she was thinking about. Zut wanted to scream at him. Tear out his heart and feed it to the jackals. Watch as he died by her hands, slowly and painfully. Zut wanted him to taste the fear in the back of his throat before she plunged her hand into his chest, pulled out his heart and watched it beat in her hand, his blood between her fingers, and dripping down her arm. She wanted his body to become lifeless as her mothers had. Zut wanted sweet revenge. He was a disgusting evil man, and didn't deserve to live while her mother was an innocent loving person whom she loved with all her of her heart.
Zut licked her lips slowly, relishing in the thoughts that swam in her mind. She realized she had been holding her breath, and let it out quickly.
Suddenly the man came towards her, and Zut watched as he knelt on the floor. Still bound she was helpless to anything his black heart desired and she knew he knew this.
The man smiled coldly and came in close to whisper in her ear, "You wish to kill me little one? Then why don't you? Are you afraid? Seek your revenge."
Zut sat very still in the chair. She went over what he had just said to her. Slightly shifting to the right Zut realized he had undone her bindings. Why had he done his? Could he read her thoughts? Or did he think that she was just a little child who would not go through with killing someone?
Slowly Zut pulled her arms away from the back of the chair and placed them in her lap, only to find that the knife from her mothers kitchen was resting there. How had she not noticed him putting it there? Was she going mad? Or was she already gone.
She closed her eyes as the man hovered inches from her face, waiting as if he wanted her to say something. What could she say? Had she not already said everything that could and wanted to say? What was left?
Gently zut fingered the knife with her small, delicate hands. She felt the still warm blood of her mother that coated its blade. Suddenly she knew what she had to do. Taking the knife in both her hands she turned her mouth to the mans ear and whispered what she wanted to say. "I hate you. You will pay..."
Zut plunged the knife into her own belly. Her eyes widened her eyes with the pain and the last image she saw was of the man, surprised by her action as he knelt before her. His eyes were trained on her face as Zut slumped sideways in the chair and toppled lifeless to the floor.
I stand here face to face, with someone that I used to know, used to look at me laugh.
I was pissing around on The Unloved and around my bloggy, and found a bunch of things that need a fixin'. First my broken pictures are still not all cleared up, all of the links are screwed looking on my bloggy links page. Those need to be cleared up, but of course I don't have very much time to do that right now. I have to be at work for 5.
Speaking of work. Apparently Cheeko, the big boss, told Fez, my manager, that he needs to cut back on everyone's hours. It makes me so angry! 3, 3 hour shifts in one week just doesn't cut it for me. Like, seriously, who does that? Obviously that means there are too many people hired right now, and they could cut back on the un-needed ones, ie. Justin. That kid is so incompetent it isn't even funny. Ill do 4 pizza boxes, and he'll still be working on his first one! He's slow at everything he does, and the only thing worth throwing him at is dish. A few people already have made an effort to tell Fez and Claire how worthless he is to the job, and that he needs to be fired. Id do it if I had the right to.
Currently I feel kind of overwhelmed and full of anxiety for no apparent reason... Well, except for my sociology mark. I think its only going to be a low 70, which kind of makes me weary. I'm not so sure if I am going to get into Trent, Brock, or York, which I already applied to, if my average is below an 80. So far I don't think it is. I have an 83% in both my Classical Literature and my Philosophy classes. But I think I only have a 78 in my sociology class. Mr. Odwyer still needs to fix some things in History for the class before he can hand out a mark to anyone. So I'm sort of floundering here and its making me kind of frustrated and anxious. I'm sort of wondering whether I should have applied to colleges instead, considering I might not get into any of the universities... Oi.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad, that dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
Im so worried about quinten and brandon right now. I dont whats going on with either of them. Brandon phoned me just as i was on my way to work and he was having an anxiety attack. He wanted me to come over asap. I felt so bad saying I couldnt. And poor quiten i dont even know the truth as to whether or not he is in the hospital sick or not. Matthew told me he asked his sister what was up and she said everything was fine. Of course he said she could just be saying that because she isnt allowed to say anything. Anyways I phoned the cobourg hospital to see if he was in there, and they told me no one under that name was a patient. Damnit Im frustrated. I didnt have time to phone the peterborough psych ward nor the hospital there to see if he has been admitted, I had to work tonight.
Today is my little Brother Daniel's birthday and he turned 6! We didnt really celebrate it much, I should have wished him a Happy Birthday when I got home from school but I had a headache and wasn't thinking properly. He tried showing me the big blue race car he got and the basketball net that hangs on the back of the closet door, but I just sort of fake smiled, nodded and walked downstairs to get ready for work. Im feeling much better now, and Im home from work, one problem: Hes in bed sleeping now. Arent I the best sister one could ask for. And I mean that as a rhetorical statement, bloggy, because I know I am not the best sister a sibling could ask for.
Happy Birthday Daniel... Wish Id gotten you something or given you a card at least.
"I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take, when people run in circles its a very, very Mad Worl..."
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Children waiting for the day they feel good, happy birthday, happy birthday, so they feel the way that every child should, sit and listen...
I never ever ment for it to be comforting, and I knew that people would see what I wrote. But Im just sick of being another person around everyone I know. I feel as though I have to act different around everyone indiviually. Its something that Ive always done, so if I had never mentioned it I am sure that no one would have noticed. With Kelly a lot of the time I like to go back to the way I was a long time ago, and just forget the way I am now. With Chelsea it usually depends on my mood, because her mood is really contagious. Around Brynn, Brent and the new guys I am not sure how to act, usually theyre really uplifting so I am all being uplifted and stuff. But if you really want to know how I am most of the time, its normaly my mood that makes the difference. I guess you could say its all me, but just different sides and moods all rolled into one. I thought Id reply to the comments on my tag board.
Saturday, January 03, 2004
Faults, flaws, whatever you want to call them, we all have them.
A friend of mine started a post on The Unloved asking us to post all of our flaws. Well I suppose my list is long, but I wanted to post it on here because it seems like it fits.
'Okay, so as you can see by the amount of time its taken me to post this, one of my biggest flaws is procrastinating. I put things off, and put things off until the very last minute and usually end up doing poorly on things such as assignments and homework because of it. I hate the fact that I do it, but I guess I dont hate it enough because I still procrastinate.
Another thing I do that I dont like very much is my innability to tell people what I really think of them, thus ending in my getting walked all over.
I do everything I can to avoid a fight, verbal or physical, with anyone including strangers and the people close to me.
I have this facination with fire, that I am pretty sure is going to end up in my death or someone elses one day. I have quite a few scars to prove this fact.
I consider my depression a fault because if I didnt have it I would have so many more ambitions in life. The ambitions I have are great, but maybe without the depression I would have the drive to go through with more than half of them. My depression realy puts me back in life and I hate it so much. My depression causes a lot of apathy towards mr life and the people in it. There are days when I just dont want to get up out of bed and face the day, let alone go to school every morning. I begin looking forward to the weekends, and usually stay up too late and sleep in until the afternoon, screwing up my schedule for school the following week. Sometimes I wish that I was born as a different person and maybe I would get lucky and find someone who isnt mentaly unstable. (Though they say that the things you go through make you the person you are, and give you some experience in life. That could possibly be why I am able to help so many people).
Most people dont know the real Mandy Sharp, because most of the time I am putting on a different face. I have many different faces depending whomever I am talking to. I am somewhat different on the telephone, on the internet, around Kelly, around Chelsea, around Becca and Amanda and such...etc. Sometimes I think I have a personality disorder, but if I did I wouldnt remember becoming the other person. Thats the only way I know I dont, because I am perfectly aware that I am doing it when I am, but I still do it anyways.
I never follow through with what I say I am going to do, and do what I say I am going to. I have trouble keeping promises, and never know when to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes I talk just to hear my own voice, or any voice that seems comforting for that matter.
I tend to ramble when I talk, and often times forget what I am going to say, seconds before I say it. I have a terrible memory. I can hardly remember what I did earlier that day, let alone what I did during the entire week.
I am always stressed and most of the time I dont know why. The stress usually brings on anxiety attacks, which just by thinking about one I can feel my heart start to beat faster.
I am a hypocondriach, resulting in constant paranoia and thoughts of "oh what if I have this?!" if someone mentions that they heard something was going around...etc.
I really could go on and on, maybe its that I like talking about myself, or maybe its just that it feels like a relief to write down everything thats been rattling around in my brain.'
'Cause all I see is what's in front of me.
I hate not posting more often, I know there is at least one or two people looking forward to reading my blog, and yet I never have anything new for them.
I just spent like ten minutes trying to lower the seat on my chair to compensate for my new desk, but I succeeded in getting black hands and chipped nail polish. I didn't even get the seat lowered.
I have to say, happiness is coming home from the hospital after spending 3 hours in emergency. I was off of work at about 8pm tonight, so with the walk in clinic not being open its regular hours anymore, I had to scoot over to emergency to get a prescription for my stupid bladder infection. The nurse told me it would be about a 2 hour wait, so when I was called into the room to wait for the doctor at about 9:30 I was surprised. I mentioned this to her, and she said "well don't get your hopes up yet, you still have to wait for the doctor, you've only just been let in." Oh boy, here we go. So I wait in the room for the doctor, who's name ends up being Doctor Bayer, go figure. Did you know it takes approximately 15 to 20 minutes to sing the whole 99 bottles of beer on the wall song out loud? Oh yes, I was that bored. I waited 2 hours more or so for the wonderful doctor to come, who when he did come, only stayed for less than a minute because it was obvious by my urine sample that I had a UTI. I could have, and did tell her that. But just to make sure, about 45 minutes in to my wait for the doctor she came in and made sure to tell it was defiantly a UTI. Well duh! Didn't I just tell you that? So I got a prescription for a sodium based pill that will help get rid of it in five days. I'm telling you, if they don't fix this wonderful system they're going to start getting frustrated customers.
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