And I laugh at myself, while the tears roll down, cause it's the world I know

Currently Listening To: Collective Soul- The World I Know

The new pictures I promised I would post:




I wish I had a better picture of the dress on me. As I said before, maybe I'll get Mattew to take one for me. Just cause he loves me and all. :P

I guess I'm out the door, and now I'm done with you

Currently Listening To: Tool- Hooker with a penis
Oh my god, its been an amazing few days! I left for Stratford Ontario on Thursday afternoon with 52 other students at our school. We went for the Stratford Festival and saw Macbeth on Thursday night, and Guys and Dolls on Friday afternoon. We didn't end up getting home until about 9pm or so last night. Hah, apparently work was wondering where I was. It's not like I didn't book the days off of work. I swear it's because they're tools. I think it's a good thing Fez (mah boss) is gone tomorrow. I mean hey, I'll miss the guy and all, but only because he was so damn lenient and hardly got us in trouble for anything. But back to my Stratford story! I bought a few things. A dress from My Lords and Ladies. It's a small store, but amazing! The website hardly shows everything they have. It's only a miniscule amount, and nothing on the website has what I tried on, nor what I bought. But that's okay. I have a few pictures of myself in my new dress. I hafta get a full on shot though. I'll have to ask Matthew to do that for me. I took a few pictures while I was down there. But I was so excited that I didn't remember I had my camera on me most of the time! Oh well, I got a few good ones. I even took a picture of the inside of My Lords and Ladies. I mean c'mon people, I had to! Fetish wear, Elizabethan dresses, mens clothing, dresses, what more could a girl or guy want?? Yeah, that's what I thought, nothing! =D Anyways, we went shopping downtown Stratford for a few hours before we had to go to Guys and Dolls. So we saw a whole crap load of little shops and stores that were filled with knick knacks and odds and ends. There was even a store called Elizagoth that had music, fun old hats, statues, wall hangings, chess boards, books, candelabra, jewelry, everything! I found a store that is just like The odyssey and I had a ball! I spent 21 dollars in there on just gemstones for my collection. I found a bloodstone! Be proud of me.

Well I have just come across the most evil thing ever, and I have to kill someone because of it. I can't seem to get into the Unloved because apparently I have restricted access? Who has done this, and who should I kill? Just point me in the direction and I'll be just fine. Someone had better fix this as soon as possible, before I have a coniption fit! GRRRRRrrr!

Picture Update

Currently Listening To: Led Zeppelin-Good Times Bad Times

Light Play:


I could easily kill you? You be the judge:

Aquarius

Currently Listening To: NIN-Hurt
'Tis Moi:

Aquarius is the eleventh Sign of the Zodiac, and Aquarians are the perfect representatives for the Age of Aquarius. Those born under this Sign have the social conscience needed to carry us into the new millennium. These folks are humanitarian, philanthropic and keenly interested in making the world a better place. Along those lines, they'd like to make the world work better, which is why they focus much of their energy on our social institutions and how they work (or don't work). Aquarians are visionaries, progressive souls who love to spend time thinking about how things can be better. They are also quick to engage others in this process, which is why they have so many friends and acquaintances. Making the world a better place is a collaborative effort for Aquarians.
The Sign of Aquarius is symbolized by the Water Bearer. In much the same way that the Water Bearer brings that precious liquid as a gift, Aquarians shower the world with their thoughts and new ideas. Luckily for Aquarians (and the rest of us), they are at a near-genius level, so their minds churn out some amazing things. Their thought process is also inventive and original. While Aquarians are happy to bestow these ideas as a gift with no strings attached, they are much happier when the rest of the world agrees with them. Naysayers will quickly find out that Aquarians can be impatient, even temperamental, with those who disagree. Yes, these folks can be quite fixed in their opinions, in keeping with the Fixed Quality assigned to this Sign. Even though Aquarians are happy to give, and they do, it's often on their terms and within their comfort level. Generally, that means ample space, since these folks are freedom-loving and individualistic and need to roam (and yes, they do enjoy travel). While Aquarians are generally sympathetic and compassionate, they like it when things go their own quirky way. Some might call their behavior eccentric (and they would be right), but when you consider that the Aquarian's heart is truly in the right place, a few oddities should be overlooked. In their own way, Aquarians treasure their many friends and acquaintances and want to give back as much as they can.

Aquarius is ruled by the Planets Saturn and Uranus. Powerful Saturn was considered the father of many gods in ancient Roman times, and was the original ruler of Aquarius. Uranus is the oldest of the gods in Roman mythology; this Planet was discovered much later than Saturn and was only more recently assigned to this Sign. The combination of these planetary energies is strong and vibrant. Saturn's force field is that of the stern taskmaster, which is one reason why Aquarians love to think and put their ideas out to the world. They also love to think they're right! It's Uranus, which instills Aquarians with their visionary spirit. If it's new, radical and rebellious, Aquarians are all over it. The fact that these folks can think so creatively and inventively is one of their greatest assets. Water Bearers are all about progress and technology--they love the latest gadgets, gewgaws, computers and next-generation technologies. Thanks to a genius that borders on insanity (!), those born under this Sign have the unique ability to present ideas which will revolutionize the world. Their approach in doing so may be unpredictable, impersonal and at times cold, but that's a mad scientist for you!

The Element associated with Aquarius is Air, and that means the rarefied air of the intellectual. Aquarians will accomplish much with their broad and logical minds, entertaining complex and scientific ideas for the betterment of all. That said, they are also artistic and inventive. It's all in the spirit of creating a better world, hopefully one in keeping with their broad-minded beliefs. Aquarians believe that their offbeat, original approach will win the day, and that new thought is what is needed to change the world. Those born under this Sign are altruistic, humane people who are determined to make a difference.

At play, Aquarians like to surround themselves with lots of people, preferably family and friends. That said, if they don't know the 'players,' they soon will! Baseball and tennis are fun for these folks (though they should be wary of weak ankles), although a spirited match of water polo would also be nice. It's watery colors which Aquarians favor, a shiny silver or an aqua blue. When it comes to love, Aquarians will also be playful, even flirtatious. While they play for keeps, it won't necessarily feel that way, since these folks are the antithesis of jealous.

The great strengths of the Aquarius-born are their vision, intellect and humanity. They are determined to make the world a better place and to help everyone they can along the way. They are truly the trailblazers of the Zodiac.

If you please

Currently Listening To: Alana Miles-Black Velvet

Rock on, Mom made me get up before 9am today to go garage shopping with her. Basically everything we bought, except a cooler jug for drinks when we go camping, was for me. Wonderful goodies for Kelly and my new apartment. Of course they're still all my things, like everything my Uncle Chris and Terry gave me. When we went over there last time, they had just moved into their new house, and were getting rid of all of their stuff they didn't want or couldn't use anymore. So I got a whole bunch of kitchen stuff, and an old dresser that converts into a desk, sort of, that was my Uncles when he was young. And it has memories for me too. I can remember visiting my Grandmas house, a long time ago when they lived in Queensville, and hanging out in Chris' room to watch him play games like Doom and Duke Nukem on his computer. He had the computer all set up with this dresser-desk thing. And now I've got it. :D It was funny cause I mentioned it to him, and he said that he can't remember me popping into his room to watch him play. But I guess it was a long time ago. Hes 31 now, and I'm 18. (Plus good memories aren't exaclty something our family is known for). LOL.

Man shot while kids play

Currently Listening To: NIN- Eraser

By HIMANI EDIRIWEERA, TORONTO SUN



DOZENS OF children watched in horror yesterday as a gunshot victim collapsed and died at the entrance of a Dundas St. apartment building. Police cordoned off the Metro Housing building at 540 Dundas St. E, at the corner of Sackville St., about 7:30 p.m., shortly after getting reports of shots being fired.

"I was walking home from the doctor's when I heard two or three gunshots," said 13-year-old Asif Hussaini, who lives in the complex.

The victim, believed to be in his 20s, was lying at the top of the steps to a low-rise building. Police have no suspects.

The gunfire erupted while children played nearby. "We ran when we heard the noise, " said an 11-year-old neighbourhood girl who didn't want to give her name.

"We came back and saw this guy drop and we didn't know if he was dead or just chilling," the girl said.

The group of about six children, aged 11 to 13, was playing on the complex grounds with about 50 other children.

"Nothing's new. It's always happening here, someone's always getting shot or raped," the girl said.

One source said the shooting was likely drug related, but homicide Det. Sgt Terry Wark said it was too early to tell.

"He was a well-dressed male and clean cut," Wark said. "He suffered gun shot wounds and trauma to the head."

The name of the city's 22nd murder victim was not released.

Let me love you baby

Slain officer's son, 14, offers brave words for mourners

Currently Listening To: Tory Amos- Crucify


The Toronto Star.com

With support and encouragement from Chief Garry Clement, Constable Garrett's son Ben, 14, gave a brief but moving tribute to his father during the funeral:

"I'd like to start off by saying thank you to everyone for attending this service and supporting my family and I.

"I know that this is a major tragedy for all of us, but if we work together and provide lots of support for each other we can work through it one step at a time.

"My dad was not just a hero to this town, he was also my hero and always will be. He will surely live on in all of our hearts and will never be forgotten. I know it is hard, so don't think about it and start thinking of all the wonderful memories you shared with my father.

"I just want to finish off by saying: dad, you will also hold a special place inside my heart and warm my dampened spirits."

So I found this cute?

Hey, don't hate me because I love Alice In Wonderland, and even more don't hate me because I like American McGee's Alice In Wonderland.

Happy B-Day Becca Jane!!

Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Becca!!! Happy birthday to you! :D

Everything goes by so fast, makin' my head spin

Currently Listening To: Black Sabbath- War Pigs




ISU- Essay- English
Garden of Shadows
The Last of the Crazy People
Mandy Sharp



Ethics in philosophy, the study and evaluation of human conduct in the light of moral principles. Moral principles may be viewed either as the standard of conduct that individuals have constructed for themselves or as the body of obligations and
duties that a particular society requires of its members. Moral obligations are intrinsically compelling whether or not their fulfillment results in some greater good.

When a child at the age of eleven feels that killing will solve his problems, should we shun him for thinking those sort of thoughts, or should we slap his hand and tell him that that isn't the way he should be thinking? Is it his fault that he has grown up exposed to the "wrong" way to go about things? Would committing him to a mental hospital be the right way to go about showing this child that what he has done wrong was the ultimate wrong? When it comes down to killing ones family, there has to be a line drawn somewhere. But because this is an eleven year old
boy, should there some other sort of way of dealing with the problem, or is placing him in an institution the way to fix the problem?

Would it be morally ethical to lock someone in one wing of a house and not let her see her child, while she is pregnant, if it is with your husbands baby? And on top of that, be hiding her because you want to make it look like the baby was your own, so you hide the pregnancy of the girl and stuff pillows or extra clothing in your shirts, in order to preserve the family name? Because it is for a greater good, or a greater purpose, does that make secluding a pregnant woman and hiding her from her child, the right thing to do? Logically it may make sense, in order to preserve the family name, one must do what one must do. But what about morally and ethically?

"Morals are in all contries the result of legislation and government, they are not African, Asian or European: they are good or bad." ( Denis Diderot 1713-1784, French philosopher. repr. In Selected Writings, ed. Lester G. Crocker 1966. Observations on the Drawing Up of Laws 1921).

The Nature of Good

Another major difference in the approach to ethical problems revolves around the question of absolute good as opposed to relative good. Throughout the history of philosophy thinkers have sought an absolute criterion of ethics. Frequently moral codes have been based on religious absolutes. Immanuel Kant, in his categorical imperative, attempted to establish an ethical criterion independent of theological considerations. Rationalists (Plato, Baruch Spinoza, Josiah Royce) founded their ethics on a metaphysics. All varying methods of building an ethical system pose the question of the degree to which morality is athoritative (i.e., imposed by a power outside the individual). If the criterion of morality is the welfare of the state (G. W. Hegel), the state is supreme arbiter. If the authority is a religion,
then that religion is the ethical teacher. Hedonism, which equates the good with pleasure in its various forms, finds its ethical criterion either in the good of the individual or the good of the group. An egoistic hedonism (Aristippus, Epicurus,
Julien de La Mettrie, Thomas Hobbes) views the good of the individual as the ultimate consideration. A universalistic hedonism, such as utilitarianism (Jeremy Bentham, James Mill), finds the ethical criterion in the greatest good for the greatest
number (The Columbia Encylcopedia, sixth edition, 2001).

"Hedonism is the doctrine that holds that pleasure is the highest good. Ancient hedonism expressed itself in two ways: the cruder form was that proposed by Aristippus and the early Cyrenaics, who believed that pleasure was achieved by the complete gratification of all one’s sensual desires; on the other hand, Epicurus and his school, though accepting the primacy of pleasure, tended to equate it with the absence of pain and taught that it could best be attained through the rational control of one’s desires. Ancient hedonism was egoistic; modern British hedonism, expressed first in 19th-century utilitarianism, is universalistic in that it is conceived in a social sense-“the greatest happiness for the greatest number.”" (J. C. Gosling,
Pleasure and Desire 1969).

Conscience is the sense of moral awareness or of right and wrong. The concept has been variously explained by moralists and philosophers. A Chinese proverb said that "Conscience is the heart of Heaven," Chinese proverbs hold a lot of truth. In the history of ethics, the conscience has been looked upon as the will of a divine power expressing itself in man’s judgments, an innate sense of right and wrong resulting from man’s unity with the universe, an inherited intuitive sense evolved in the long history of the human race, and a set of values derived from the
experience of the individual. Psychologists also differ in their analyses of the nature of conscience. It is variously believed to be an expression of values differing from other expressions of value only in the subject matter involved, a feeling of guilt for
known or unknown actions done or not done, the manifestation of a special set of values introjected from the example and instruction of parents and teachers, and the value structure that essentially defines the personality of the individual. As a
practical matter, the consciences of different people within a society or from different societies may vary widely. (Philosophy 101, morals and ethics). "Conscience is but a word that cowards use, Devised at first to keep the strong in
awe." (William Shakespeare 1564-1616).

After all of this understanding of ethics, morals, the conscience, and even the nature of what is good, what results are there? What conclusions can one come to? That pleasure is the ultimate goal, and therefore one must do what one must do in
order to achieve success? That would be saying that in order to solve his problems, the eleven year old boy did right by killing his family, and the woman did a good thing by locking the girl in the far wing of the house, in order to save her family name.
Or should we wonder where their consciences were in these incidents? Where was the little voice in the back of their heads, telling them not to do this because it is wrong, because it will result in bad and not good?

Maybe there is no answer. Maybe the only answer is that the book with the eleven year old boy was call The Last of the Crazy People for a reason. And that Garden of Shadows really did have it's shadows that should remain shadowed, because one can just not gain any light on the subject.

A Killer In Cobourg... Dear Lord...

Currently Listening To: AFI- Silver And Cold


Wow so all that I have been able to think about for the past five days is the tragedy that has happened here in my small town of Cobourg. Read about it at The Toronto Star or you can read my rendition below.



Early Saturday morning the police here in Cobourg recieved a call that someone had been robbed and three police officers responded. When they arrived at the scene, which was just by the old hospital, two of the officers went to look around for the suspect, while Chris Garrett stayed behind and proceeded to interview Troy Davey, the victim at the time. Troy Davey, reasons unknown to anyone but him, pulled a hunting knife on the officer and sliced his throat. Officer Garrett drew his gun and fired all nine shots before Troy was able to run away and ended up getting shot in the foot. He then hobbled to his Mother's house. After being taken to the hospital for a gunshot wound to the foot, he was arrested for the murder of Chris Garrett. Chris was an officer who transfered here to Cobourg not long ago from York because of the crime. Mr. Garrett had two children and a loving wife who are coping as best as they can. Troy is at Lyndsey prison. His first court hearing was on Monday morning where he refused to say anything and kept his head down. Many teenagers in Cobourg who knew or knew of Troy have spoken to the media about him. The most common response towards Troy has been he was a quiet boy who never seemed capable of anything like murder.

I never thought anything like this would happen in Cobourg. It is the first killing here for 30 years. Its devistating. Chris Garretts funeral will be held on Thursday of this week, starting at 1:00pm, and the road blocks will be put up as early as 10:00am. No buses will be running to St. Mary's secondary school on this day. Students are expected to find their own way to school if they are not attending the funeral. The procession is expected to be over at about 4:00pm, and 15,000 people are estimated in attendance. This will be a full police funeral, and police officers from across North America are going to be there.

I've been a mess of emotions since I learned it was Tory Davey. He went to my school, friends of mine had classes with him. Friends of mine were good friends of his for christ sake! I have no idea what they are going through, but I'm sure its been rough. Kelly's sister was just talking to him on MSN Thursday and he didn't seem down, or upset in any way. His Father's house was blocked off for hours, and two blocks were evacuated because there was a bomb in the house. Troy's father wasn't home at the time, but the bomb found wasn't large enough to blow up a house, let alone two blocks. However it was large enough to hurt someone if strapped to someones back, or left under someones bed, say, while they were sleeping. Police haven't released where the bomb was located in the house.

She always laughs at the most horrible things

Currently Listening To: Kahuna- Hayling


So I go upstairs to show Mom and Dad my new t-shirt and pants from Bootlegger, and we end up talking about Mom's baby bonus cheque. Because I am 18 I am no longer a dependent according the government, and therefore they take me off of the money Mom gets every month. Dad brought up that they had sent us something else in the mail bugging us again about me. Something about workers something or other. Mom said that they even take another hundred dollars or so off of the cheque because they are assuming I pay my parents rent.

What I want to know is why it is assumed, because I don't, and why a child living with their parents would be paying rent in the first place? It's not like suddenly, because the kid has turned 18, they become financially stable enough to pay their own parents rent, or are suddenly adult enough to.

It really peeves me off how the government works, how they think, and how they act. Sometimes I think they take tips from the States. It's goddamn frustrating.

Anyone else going through, or has gone through this same thing, and has any opinions or comments on it? Or maybe you want to argue. Leave me a comment. Oi...

Eek

Currently Listening To: Pink Floyd- Dark Side Of The Moon


So my tag-board servers are down. Something about hardware problems, the guy putting the main frame computers back up switched hard drives, and put on one that wasn't owned by tag-board, so a lot of information was lost. It's going to take some time to get everything back up and running they said. Oh hurray. =|

In brighter news, Blogger has changed its looks. I think it looks better, personally. I also think it's going to take some time to get used to it. It's a lot more organized though. AND I hope that people are going to have less problems when publishing their posts. =S

Hang Yourself. Lore Brand Comics.

Currently Listening To: Nirvana- Heart Shaped Box

Happy Mothers Day, all you Mothers out there.

Currently Listening To: Finger Eleven- Thousand Mile Wish
Heart of Darkness: The Final Words

In Conrad's Heart of Darkness, Kurtz's final words as he lay dying are, "The horror! The horror!" Some interpret these final words as the horror of one culture decimating another in the name of religion, civilization or greed. Others may believe that Kurtz had at that moment fully recognized what he had become, "the expression of sombre pride, of ruthless power, or craven terror..."

But later in Heart of Darkness I believe that Conrad tells us what the real horror is-life. "Droll thing life is-that mysterious arrangement of merciless logic for a futile purpose. The most you can hope from it is some knowledge of yourself-that comes too late-a crop of unextinguishable regrets..." To the very end Kurtz was proud and unrepentant. It was not the recognition of just his wrongs, but the recognition of life's wrongs, terrors, and disappointments that caused Kurtz to cry out.

The recognition of life's horrors is what Marlow terms "a moral victory". In the course of Marlow's travels, he saw countless people too dull or too blinded by their greed or their "cause" to take the time to stop and think about who they were becoming; about what they were doing to others; about why they were doing the things they were doing.

Kurtz's identification of "the horror!" is the "moral victory". Yes, he had plundered and killed and destroyed, but in the end he acknowledged the cruelty of life and had judged it-more than can be said about the countless others that die daily in the "heart of darkness". The "heart of darkness" is not Africa. It is not England or Belgium or the United States. The "heart of darkness" is the unexamined heart of man. Through the narration of Marlow, Conrad challenges his readers to examine themselves to gain the "moral victory" before it is too late.

*takes a bow*
I better get a good mark for this one. Esspecially considering I haven't read the book?

Snot running down his nose, greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes

Currently Listening To: Jethro Tull- Aqualung

Oh lord. Random anger indeed. I say that all stupid people need to be sent to the moon. We shall build a big bubble around the moon, and see if they can fend for themselves. Maybe, because they are so stupid, but think they are smart (Those certain people really piss me off), they'll try really hard to live, and it shall be fun watching them do it. Because, did I fail to mention, I would make it into one of those new reality tv shows. Wouldnt that be some fun stuff. Watching stupid people try and live on the moon, and not giving a shit about them, because you hate stupid people? Mhmm Indeed. I thought so.

Nausea: A Realization of Existence

Currently Listening To: Finger Eleven- One Thing

I was looking through essays on books for my english class, and came upon this one. The title attracted me to it in the first place, but as I read on it pulled my attention because I was so interested in the topic. I suggest reading it, even if philosophy and/or the topic of God and/or religion doesn't interest you.



Nausea: A Realization of Existence
by Kate Levine
November 2, 2002


Philosophers of all ages have had to come to terms with the existence of God. If God exists then ideas of philosophy such as determinism and a perfect ideal of existence are concepts which can be effectively discussed. However, if there is no God, then there is no higher moral power to strive for, no meaning to living than life itself. While many philosophers starting in the 18th century began to conceive of a world where God did not in fact exist, most were not willing to give up the idea that a code of being still existed in some perfect, objective form. What existentialists like Jean-Paul Sartre did was to expose the falseness of any system of values in a world where God does not exist.

In "Existentialism and Humanism," Sartre writes that there is no possible concept of values existing a priori to what we make of them. He describes a French movement that attempted to posit that even without the ideal of God, values could still exist: "nothing will be changed if God does not exist" ("Existentialism and Humanism," 40). However, as Sartre posits, the inexistence of God changes everything. If there is no God then there are no a priori notions of good or bad, no ideals of existence which men do not create for themselves. While many critics of Existentialism posit that this philosophy takes agency and power away from man, rendering all actions and thoughts arbitrary, Sartre sees this philosophy instead as empowering: while man does not determine his own existence, he has the power to use his own life in any way he chooses.Sartre's first and most famous philosophical novel, Nausea, tells the story of a man coming to terms with this subjective reality of his life. Antoine Roquetin, the novel's, hero (or anti-hero), must face the central claim of existentialism: that if there is no God, then man's existence precedes his essence: "man exists, turns up, appears on the scene, and only afterwards, defines himself....Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself" (36). Roquetin gets "the nausea" as he begins to realize the idea that in everything existence precedes essence, or that he, as a man, is capable of and responsible for defining everything he sees; that there is no essence, be it to objects, feelings or memories that is anything but what a subjective individual makes of them. The Nausea is a visceral, undigested realization that becomes less and less physical as Roquetin begins to accept this realization and live his life accordingly.

Antoine first gets the Nausea, or realizes that existence precedes essence, through his connection with the color of objects. Color takes on a very important role in this novel because color is the essence of essence. When describing an object, its color is often the first thing we refer to, and yet, what is more subjective than color? How is one to know that his definition of red is the same as someone else's? It is impossible to know that when I say something is red, and another person agrees with me, that he or she is not actually seeing what I call blue. Antoine writes of an experience in his favorite café. He is watching the bartender and notices his suspenders: "the suspenders can hardly be seen against the blue shirt...but it is false humility; in fact they will not let themselves be forgotten...as if, starting to become purple, they stopped somewhere along the way without giving up their pretensions....The Nausea is...in the suspenders" (Nausea, 19). Antoine's nausea is a physical reminder that he is attempting to define the suspenders as purple, as though purple were an objective reality and the meaning of their existence. However, the purpleness of the suspenders is entirely subjective: they are purple because Roquetin makes them so.

His statement that the Nausea exists within the suspenders exhibits his refusal to accept the responsibility that comes with admitting the control he has over the essence of these suspenders. However, we see his acceptance of this fact later in the novel. In the climax moment, when Antoine fully accepts that existence precedes essence and that color itself does not exist, he writes: "Adolphe's suspenders....They were not purple" (130). To say that the suspenders were purple as he initially does, suggests that purple can be held up to some ideal of purple that exists for all men. To say that the were not purple does not mean that they were some other color, but that their existence has nothing to do with their being purple, the suspenders, like all objects exist without any defining values, those values are assigned by each man as he chooses.

The nausea that Antoine feels outside himself when looking at the suspenders, becomes a nausea he feels within himself as he begins to consider his attempts to write a biography of an historical figure named Robellon. He has spent the better part of his life writing on this man, trying to figure out who he was. However, just as he realizes that the suspenders in the café simply exist, without any value that objectifies them, he also comes to the same conclusion on the subject of Robellon's life. He comments early in the novel that in the ten years he has studied this man he still cannot objectively define him: "what is lacking in all the testimony [about Robellon] is firmness and consistency...they do not seem to be about the same person" (13). What Roquetin is realizing is that he will never find a higher truth about Robellon then what he decides to believe about him.

In fact, he realizes that all historians define history; that there is no more objective truth to be found in the past than in the present. A biography of Robellon's life would be no more truthful than a fictional account. This sickening realization that the past ten years of Roquetin's life has been spent in attempting to find an ultimate truth from the past leads him to another important tenant of existentialism one which we might call presentism: "the true nature of the present revealed itself: it was what exists....The past did not exist...things are entirely what they appear to be and behind them...there is nothing" (96). Right after the acceptance of this realization Roquetin thinks he is getting the Nausea again, but instead he writes "it wasn't that....M. Robellon had just died for the second time" (96). The past does not exist, it only lives on through subjective memory, thus Roquetin must accept the notion that he will never truly "know" Robellon, just as he will never truly know himself in the past. He thinks he feels the Nausea because it is his usual reaction to the realization of existence, but in this instance he has already accepted that the past is a void, thus he does not displace his conscious realization with a physical pain.

The realization that the past is a void also leads Roquetin to the realization that the future to means nothing objectively. If we can determine nothing from the past, then looking towards the future is just as useless, for any action we take with an eye to the future will no longer exist once the future is present. The very idea of a future implies that the past remains alive, this becomes clear to Roquetin as it applies to his personal life. He receives a letter from a past lover, Anny, who wants to see him in a few weeks. As he thinks back upon his relationship with this woman, he attempts to regain the feeling of love he had for her in the past. He particularly harps upon her notion of "perfect moments," or moments of objective perfection. He remarks that he was never able to understand this notion, a clue that he had always subconsciously realized that existence could never be justified objectively. However, he still holds on to this meeting with Anny, as though if she can explain the notion of perfect moments to him, it might relieve him of the nausea of existence.

When he sees Anny, he is hit, full force, with the notion that his reliance on the past and his looking toward the future are as futile in the present as the notion of a perfect moment. The essence of Anny, the memories of her, represent Antoine's attempts to place her in some spectrum of value in his life that no longer exists. In fact, since she is nothing but a memory for him, she barely exists: "I can hardly make out the pale spot of her face...Anny is sitting opposite to me, we haven't seen each other for four years and we have nothing more to say" (153). There is no way for Antoine to relate to his old lover, nor any justification for his having looked forward to their meeting; his only notions of her are from the past, a past which no longer has any value in his life. Ironically, at this most startling realization, Antoine no longer feels the Nausea. In fact, a few pages later he remarks that: "the Nausea has given me a...breathing spell" (157). In fact, while he believes the Nausea will return, it does not, it has become a part of Antoine's consciousness, existence in all of its rawness has shown itself to him and in accepting that there is nothing more than today, nothing more than what he perceives, Antoine has rid himself of the sickness that the abnegation of this realization brought on.

At the end of the novel, there is more than just the recession of the Nausea to encourage Antoine to live though he has learned that there is no higher calling or truth to justify his existence. As he is sitting once again in his favorite café, on the day he is leaving his town for good, he listens to a jazz record that he loves. He begins to imagine the man who wrote the song and the woman singing it and sees that there is in fact a possibility for justification of existence even within existentialism: he realizes that he has the power to create, to make something in the world that can stop time and the pain of existence the way jazz does for him: "A novel. And there would be people who read this book...and they would think about my life as...something precious" (178). He could live on in the present minds of others and thereby justify his life.

Sartre writes in "Existentialism as Humanism," that art and values are very similar: "what art and ethics have in common is that we have creation and invention in both cases" (55). In Nausea he shows that art, as an admitted creation of man, something which never is held up to an objective truth, is a way for an individual to express his essence. This form of expression has the power to help others make something of their existence, and in that way justify the artist's existence as well. This is the most powerful proof that existentialism is in fact a philosophy of optimism and action rather than pessimism and inaction. Existentialists do not believe that existence can be held up to and compared to some higher system of values, but they do believe that within our own creation of a subjective system of values we can and must invent meaning for ourselves and for others.

Lore Brand Comics

Currently Listening To: The chatter of our guidance office here at school.

So this one time, at band camp...

Currently Listening To: The Cars- Here In My Car



Another picture from the fashion show. I just finished watching Kill Bill Volume 1 and Im so wanting to see the next one because it just ended on me! Grrrr!!

Anyways, picture of me making an odd face. Chelsea says I am all Buddha-like here. Call it whatever you want. It's one of the pictures I took before the fashion show had started, and we were all preped face and hair wise: